The worst thing isn't feeling sad. Sadness comes and goes. 

The worst is when you feel happier for others than yourself, and sometimes it feels like that's all the happiness you're ever going to get. 

 Sometimes there's no reason why you're sad. Sometimes it just is

21

So much for coming of age

Wanted to do a brief thanks to each of the people that have been involved in my life in one way or another. I've never been good at saying things (that's why this blog even exists), so writing it here will have to do.

To the secondary school guys, regardless of how I know you. I think you guys really shaped most of who I am today, and instilled in me the ways of the cockster. To the 4-3 fuckers, I really have no idea how we ended up in this shit together, but I'm glad I started playing League with you guys HAHA. Can't believe we're still doing games together, even if it's not all of us. I think it's also super interesting how like each of yall are getting attached one by one, is it next one is me LOLOLOL. But ya also especially to Jian Hui who for some reason has really good advice for being the most fucking cock out of all of us. The NCC Air people also really mean a lot to me, I think forming most of the fond memories I have within the school itself. Staying until stupid hours to do PDS, FSD, aeromod or just to waste time was really retarded but I'm glad it happened.

Next would be VJRC. I do still regret that I was so distant from you guys in J1. Not gonna try to explain myself, it was a slew of various reasons, but I think that in the end I'm so so happy that things turned out the way it did. You guys are why I love climbing so much and it's honestly really nice that we still climb together so much. Looking forward to climb days with yall was what kept me grounded for most of NS stint. That and the fact that I think how no filter everyone is also contributes to the general atmosphere of stupid fuckery that goes on in the gym lmao. The dream would be to go on climbing trips with yall every year possible :')

To the people in my various stages of army, I think toughing it out would have been impossible without you guys. From BMT to OCS to AI, you guys made every single day in green bearable. Special shout out to Barnabas and the other Sierra guys again, I think that even though we don't really meet up nowadays, we had each others' backs when it mattered and for that I will always be grateful.

To the SBC people, particularly Damien, Oen and Elena. I know we don't really see each other in church much nowadays, but the good ol times back in Sunday School will always have a special place in my heart. Also El saying you damn regretful about it does hurt my dark twisted soul a little bit but I FORGIVE YOU LMFAO.


To the FAM BAM MISSING CHILD, to be honest this was the one I really least expected LOL. I sort of remember feeling so fucking surprised when out of nowhere I read Hazel's message asking if I was interested in joining them for a trip to Japan. Back in the school days I was never close at all to you guys, in part cos I thought yall were too cool and step a bit so I didn't really give enough of a fuck to try to make friends. Also, cos I was sleeping so much in class anyway I literally wasn't talking to you guys HAHAHA. But it turned out to be one of the most ENTERTAINING trips I've ever been to, and it was really nice to know you guys better and also now I have Crystal to bully HURHURHUR. Also Hazel and Ryan I know yall got a lot of grand plans for trips but I need save money first SOB ;_;

I think it would be quite remiss of me not to mention the NTU people now, both in climbing and in WKW. I'm quite grateful that yall are accepting of a cockster like me, and I do think I'll be able to be genuinely good friends with you guys so here's to that.

To Ernest, you get a special mention because fucking hell you are the single biggest bitch I know. But I think it's important to also mention that you shaped a lot of my thinking towards many issues, whether it was changing them or challenging my viewpoints.

To Jia Zhi, you fucking cuntsack. I think at this point you are the friend I've known the second longest already. You never do jack shit back in NCC but somehow rock climbing made you have a fucking purpose in life and I'm glad we joined together LUL. Objectively speaking you are a shit training buddy because I can NEVER DO YOUR GODDAMN BETAS and you climb like a fucking madman, but somehow I stick through all that bullshit and your own bullshit also, and here we are in NTU UMC, so let's actually win some shit for once. Thanks for having my back in climbing (literally and figuratively) all these years, and here's to sending V15s together in the (hopefully near) future.

Last but not least to Timo you freaking miracle LOL. Tbh I'm a little blurry on how we SPECIFICALLY got to know each other back in bloody Kindergarten but holy shit up till today WE FREAKING MADE IT LA. Even though somehow we've NEVER been in the same institution together even though it's always been close, you always had my back too and I have yours. I really think you need to get a proper girlfriend already sia I WONT BE HERE ALL THE TIME so hopefully NUS DOES SOME GOOD TO YOU. Really the most grateful to your brotherhood ever since then and I'm thinking, for many more years to come. I haven't been the best friend at times, but I'll always be ready to kill your rivals study with you and attain that 5.0 GPA and then we can get bungalows next to each other and play CS every day.

If there's anyone I missed out tonight I'll edit it in later, but there's still people who I'm grateful to and if you see this you know who you are. It's been pretty crazy, but I think things are starting to look up lately and I hope it stays that way :)

Good Night

And I'm admittin it

I won't take it back 

Mortality

I was planning to do this post up after the first week of school but YOU KNOW ME stuff always gets pushed back.

School's been a really pleasant surprise so far. I signed up for only the WKW Orientation, and like to be very honest I had a not so good impression of the place, because I thought I wouldn't really fit in with the "type" of people here. I mean I still don't really, but at least I sorta realise it's not actually an issue that I would have to deal with. The first day was a really really weird thing for me because almost all the seniors were at the bus stop area screaming greetings to freshies that had just arrived (and I took a cab cos I didn't wanna wake up so early so it was extra weird cos they opened the door for me and shit) and my first thought was something along the lines of "well fuck". So I walk in an decide I'm gonna just see how it goes first, and the first person I meet is YING XIANG and oh my god. (Okay I'm gonna go full honesty here so if any of yall see this PLEASE DON'T BE OFFENDED I'm sorry I shouldn't be so judgmental) So ya my first impression was "knn this guy damn wayang why is he so friendly" (God damn I'm a fucking asshole) Also Vanessa spelled my name wrong twice but okay whatever. I think I sort of chatted with Jason/Peter mostly (the guys always stick together man) and yeah we went to play some games soon after. I actually put in effort to remember everyone's names sia and the game kinda helped also. That actually made me feel a lot more at ease for some reason, I guess cos I didn't really have much of that awkward moment where I would try to remember the person's name first before talking to them. Although, the OG seemed a little like quiet especially since I could hear all the other OGs doing cheers and stuff damn enthu. But okay lah, me being me I didn't really take the initiative to talk to other people that much early on, but I guess it was more so out of being comfortable by myself. It does stand a little in contrast to JC where my quietness stemmed more from a severe lack of confidence (which I still do lack but it's not as bad as before I think?). Very thankful to the 2 seniors Jia Yao (handsome-ass motherfucker) and Jess who sorta helped "facilitate" me in talking more to other people. Was really nice talking to those 2 in the early parts of camp. In a funny way I was sort of grateful for the school talks at the start also cos it meant less interaction LUL. But okay la I think once the official camp started after national day it got a lot better especially with all the games and stuff. I think seeing everyone doing stupid shit really did have a sort of bonding effect and we really weren't so concerned about outward appearances anymore. I think the most enjoyable/meaningful part of the camp was actually the nights we had in the chalet. Had some really nice talks with Jia Yao, Jess and Rachelle (idk I seemed to connect better with the other seniors during the camp), and we also played some Cards Against Humanity (thanks Peter for bringing a game I'm good at LOL). Played a really cool round of Werewolf on the second night as well, and went over to meet the people from Quentin, our sister OG. Finale night was Saturday and one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had. We worked really hard for the performance sketch (even though we were the most inaccurate regarding the murder mystery theme HAHA) and just had a lot of fun with it. Was super super hilarious also watching Peter and Ying Xiang go up for some of the games and I feel like at that time I really just let go a lot :P

I mentioned to Crystal how much I actually like it here, and that it does feel very similar in a way to VJC, except that know I guess I've come into my own enough to appreciate it. I really want to do well and be someone that I can be proud of after these 4 years. It sort of feels like I've gotten over the hurdle of learning what I really want to do with myself, so hopefully I can focus and achieve what I want to. There's also this other thing going on which I'm not really sure of, and I don't know what's going to happen but I'll just let things unfold I guess.

Good Night

(Dammit orientation really got this song in my head now)

And they be lining down the block

Just to watch what I got

Drive

On motivation:

Recently I've been losing a lot of psyche with regards to climbing. I'm not really surprised though, because I don't think it's that unusual that this would happen after achieving a major goal. Especially with this particular goal culminating after an entire year's worth of proper effort. The important thing now would be to re-focus what I want, and set a better plan in order to reach it. Right now, it'll have to wait, since school is gonna be starting really soon. Intending to see if I can use the gym in school on off-training days, but according to Ken it sucks lol. Looking to do a more focused regimen in terms of training, meaning full climb days and full strength training days. This would hopefully maximise each session, instead of what I'm currently doing, which is strength training after every climbing session. Of course the school curriculum needs to be taken into account, but I intend to try going all out for both studies and climbing and see how it goes from there. To be honest if I can't manage both, I'd probably prioritise climbing over studies to at least a reasonable degree. Hopefully I do have more motivation to study this time and up my act compared to my disastrous JC years. Jia Zhi's my roommate so I have good faith that I'll at least manage to get some proper work done.

On school starting soon:

I have a very weird sort of view on this at the moment. I feel like I just wanna skip the orientation/making friends phase and just move on to lessons and life as per normal. Definitely mentioned before that I really don't like big changes and prefer some form of stability, or at least knowing generally what I want to happen. In some ways though I seem to be taking a lot of solace in the fact that Crystal is in WKW as well HAHA. I think she's really like some kindred spirit. I mean of course I hope to at least be on good terms with the people in my course, but also that knowing she's someone I can voice all my WKW complaints to helps tremendously.

I'm not sure how much feels I'll have to blog stuff once I start my schedule proper, but hopefully I can keep it up somewhat.

A bit of a shorter post, but a lil' happpier too

Good Night

Loosey as a goosey and we're looking for some fun