A short one because I really shouldn't be up at this time. Just really need to clear this shit out from my system. It's 1.50 as of posting this and I'll probably die in school tomorrow but fuck it. Oddly, the one time it hasn't happened when I'm blogging, but I guess for today it's understandable. Was hoping I'd have some.
A desolate wasteland
I don't know what's right to feel and what's wrong anymore. I get so, so fucking irritated and I know how irrational it is. It's bordering on childish jealousy. To throw such a stupid mental tantrum is just really, really stupid. And it's just so fucking, really fucking just. I can't just keep pretending can I. When I pretend that I never see anything all the time. And even though I know, I KNOW. I can't even say anything because it just sounds like some bloody stupid thing out of a goddamn book. Ok need to stop cursing so much. But yeah, the point being that, I go on the pretext of just playing the fool. And then reality hits and I know, but I put on this, this mask, and smile and laugh and just. But it really is foolish. This, belief that maybe there is a fairytale story out there. That sometimes miracles happen and everything you wish comes true. Yes it happens sometimes. But not for things like this. Never for things that can't be forced. That even if the truth is revealed, doesn't change much. If the outcome is favourable then yay all is good. But if reality is chosen, then what can one do but wallow and face the facts? Time to grow up. Time to know that all the effort in the world won't change the outcome. That no matter what I can never measure up. Just looking at the dubbing of one versus the other, you can tell. That there will always be a disparity and different ways of being viewed. And if what I suspect is true then all the more. Promises don't always work. And if this, muddle-ness is cos of. Other things that weigh on the emotion and not the tangible, then never mind then. Such a fucking nuisance
Realising I actually really like Graham Swift's style of writing.
Proper post another time. Just clearing tonight.
Good Night
But if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like nothing's changed at all?
Great catching up session with Joshua today, but not gonna talk much about that.
Just found out today too that Cory Monteith passed away. Wasn't much of Glee person but he really gave the impression of being a genuinely good person. Time to learn. Live to love and love to live. Really makes you think of life. And the only reason why I would do something so outrageously stupid and risky. But this, this. I wouldn't be able to live with myself otherwise.
And everyone just. Just so much sadness and confusion. And to help all. Yes, friends are family. But who watches the Watchmen?
I guess it's just really more of trudging. And I keep running the possibilities, the scene in my head. How in a fantasy world, a disconcerting parallel reality, I come out the winner. And I wouldn't think of it even as winning. It's not even winning something, it's about. Happyness. About coming out of that situation smiling because for once maybe I had to guts to do something about this clawing away inside. But that's all smoke and mirrors innit. A fantasy. A childish fantasy. And maybe I delude myself by thinking that this is really what it's supposed to feel like. This constant nagging at the very core of your being. Of impending failure. That maybe if I showed how much it means it might change something. Or that this is the one. Thing that actually matters anymore. Like out of everything. Out of all this shit. That maybe this one thing is actually worth it? I don't know anymore. Still. A child's thinking and a child's wish. Nothing more. Because reality is different. And people break things all the time right? So why should anything personal be any different. The only outcome, the only possibility, ends in tatters. Ends in either the extremity of desolation or a compromise. That even if there is the compromise, it would still suck, because. The dangling carrot. The worm on the hook. I remember explaining it before. And why. I just hope I don't become one of them. The ones who were condemned to an eternity of just there. And sometimes I feel like you know. Come to think of it, you do realise. This position of pseudo-power that you hold. Because human emotion is fickle. And the sway one holds. Maybe you unconsciously do it. Self-affirmation. And maybe all it achieves in the end is someone else's destruction. But people move on too.
Time to join the crowd
Actually reminds me of how similar you two are. Though to be honest, it's much more conscious in one rather than the other. Maybe years, months ago I would have asked for your opinion. Your advice. And even if you weren't sure of an answer, I'd understand. Now you're just a shadow. Going around with your head in the clouds. And I know. Even you don't understand this. You don't understand WHY. Now, you'd give me an annoyed reaction because you wouldn't understand. So never mind then. Mentioned before, but it's really ironic that the one solution now is the whole problem.
It kinda is unfair though. To purposely denounce you mentally just so I have a reason to stop being so. fucking. childishly. hopeful.
So Homecoming was last Saturday. I thought everyone would be going early so I told myself to wake up early. Should have noticed that no one else was like "Eh Jon Chew I meet you" but blur me is blur. Was intending to reach school at around 8 plus? Woke up at that time in the end. And I was STILL the earliest person there LOL. Ended up just stoning around at the bus stop waiting for Jian Hui and Manfred to arrive. Came already and we went in, met up with the rest. Just started asking around about each other and chatting in general. Ian and Skumbag Jia Zhi came later also so we derped around before the class decided to start walking around to find things to do. Saw Mrs Lim Seah, Mr Thomas, and Mr Fernandez :D Too bad Mr Quay went into hiding or something. Edwin came later in this SUPER tight Superman tee shirt and everyone who saw was just commenting on it lololol. Come to think of it, Homecoming itself wasn't that fun. Like, I guess from an outsider perspective there isn't really much to do. The games aren't really that enticing, and the food is kinda leychey to eat too. There was one stall selling tee shirts too o.O Wtf hahahahaha. It's probably more entertaining to be manning the stalls luh. The rest went to collect their yearbooks and shit, then had lunch. Followed them after I collected Ernest's tee shirt and finished spending all the coupons. After lunch we were sitting around and talking/playing Fun Run (I was destroying them), then Lin Jing happened to be there also hahaha. So cool, hardly see the AGLs around school much already :P So overall the Homecoming wasn't really as FUN as I thought it would be, but it was still really great to catch up with the rest and really just have a good time together as a class again :) It's these people that I hope I never lose and never forget
公教！
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
SO we got some of our CT results back already. COUGH COUGH COUGH. HAKKKKKKKK. Safe to say I'm not going to get Sec 4-ish grades anytime soon. Like Maths came back and at first I was pretty okay with it. I was prepared to get a super bad fail alr. Then I realised WHY THE FUCK AM I SO CONTENT WITH SUCH A RETARD MARK. Especially after seeing people like Shirlene get an A wtf. And she can still complain and say "Maths isn't anything to be proud of". If I didn't know her better I'd feel like punching her, but she's just like that LOL. Even after Heer Tern and me talked to her to stop her from freaking out she was well, STILL FREAKING OUT. So we just sua-ed and continued talking about random stuff :'D Physics though. PHYSICS. SUCH a disappointment. Thought I would be able to at least pass rather decently. Come back. Aish. MY ROCK. MY PILLAR. MY CORNERSTONE. YOU HAVE DESERTED ME. Sian. Really know I should have done better. That face that the class did badly for Physics too isn't much of a consolation either, because in the end they thrashed me in Maths anyway. I'm more disappointed in the fact I did so badly in relation to the class rather than my own marks itself.. Sua luh. 只能靠 Econs and GP! (Oh the sad irony)
Sigh
It seems stupid to want to wallow in peace but just as I was about to go off on a rant...
Kinda late, and not really feeling all well. Time to sleep, another day I guess.
Not really in the mood but I'll post anyways cos if not I'm just gonna procrastinate and never get this post done and everything'll pile up into one long ass post that no one would bother to read anyway *gasp for breath* See how long that sentence was.
Ok so not much happened since the last post. Well quite a few shits happened so okay, first. The stupid haze. Come to think of it now it actually DID bring some form of entertainment seeing all the haze-related shit online but the bad part was they freaking cancelled all the HQ activities in the last week. So we didn't get ANY Air Knights trainings, BAWC got postponed AGAIN, and Spec Course had to be cancelled and put into a modular format. Wtf was that I can't even. I think there's some curse on aeromod this year or something. Would rant more about it but I've said it so many time even I am getting sick of it. Sua lah sua lah. Tried to use that week to chiong for CTs but I think we all know how that was going to turn out. Still, I did manage to get SOME work done so it wasn't a complete waste. You could say it was ALMOST a complete waste of a whole week. Basically spent the whole week complaining about how dead I was without actually doing anything about it. I am like, procrastination embodied.
So yeah, CT roll around and here I am. I know that feeling. It is the feeling of impending failure. The feeling of wielding a branch against an army of tanks. The feeling of being covered in dynamite while waiting for the fuse to go. #Litdescriptions So yeah, first paper was physics. Love the subject, went in feeling pretty okay actually cos I thought I would manage to scrape out something. Paper starts, went pretty okay I guess. Managed to get slightly further than I expected actually, but still, wasn't the best I could do. Though you could say that would apply to everything else as well. Still, it's the only paper along with GP i think I can pass. Think. Next day is Econs and GP and Econs turns out to be pretty okay actually, except that I spend too much time on the first section. I was taking like 10 mins and writing like 6 lines for a 1 marks question LOL. In the end didn't really have much time to complete but I think there's still a chance I can pass. GP was the only one without any major hiccups. Managed to finish everything reasonably. I think the compre was actually really meaningful. It talked about how nowadays we're always not conversing but rather simply conversing. I admit of being guilty of it and it's really given some food for thought. And honestly I'd rather have a short, meaningful and heartfelt genuine conversation over a long "connection" that is just filled with abbreviated nothingness. Time to look up indeed. Wednesday was Maths. So laughably unprepared. The worst thing was that I didn't finish a lot of questions I knew how to do. Ah well, tryna forget about it. Lit was, so bipolar. PC was much easier than expected, but Waterland and Othello was just like, dafaq? Wanted to keep to the time so I left out the last point and conclusion for both PC and Waterland to move on to Othello. About halfway through I realise that I am not writing anything useful and decide to finish up my PC and Waterland. As I am halfway through that, I realise I know what to write for Othello. "Time's up". On the bright side, even Michelle couldn't finish much. Crystal was a fucking beast though. And Nigel was just, sad LOL.
Just found out that Toyz is retiring from E-sports and Stanley is leaving TPA. For some reason I'm really, really damn sad about this. I guess it's cos TPA were the ones that brought a lot recognition to the SEA region. Even supporting SGS when they were against TPA in the GPL. I don't know, but I was damn fucking proud of them when they won the S2 Championship. It's like, I'm supporting something I can identify with. They did not only Taiwan proud, but the whole of SEA. I still remember telling Jian Hui, in reference to the final, that TPA was gonna destroy Azubu Frost. And destroy them in the final they did. And the recounts of Stanley and Toyz on that moment, when Toyz almost cried. The feels now erghhhhhh. In any case, wishing Toyz and Stanley all the best. Thank you for doing so much for SEA E-sports, you will always be remembered Toyz :') GGWP
Getting super super irritated over nothing again but I can't say it cos it's just so fucking retarded. To any other person and even to myself it's an irrational clingy-ness, borderline madness. And that stupid green monster is showing itself again. Need to really wake the fuck up and realise my standing. Because after all it's still like 2 against what, half? The one's who get there first are the victors. I want to say I can't help it but that goes against everything I've said and it'd be hypocritical to do so. Never felt so down before and I can't even figure out why. Ok I know why but I should be able to fucking suppress this shit wtf. And I know that after like a few days I'll come back and look at this post thinking "what a whiny little bitch" but for now this venting will suffice. I guess maybe cos I used to think that this was always reserved (even know I knew otherwise) yet every time I realise, it just destroys that selfish notion. It really is selfishness on my part because wtf I can't even say that I'm the most suitable and shit and just that well not being up there sucks but it makes sense doesn't it. Or maybe I just thought that if I was the only one at this time it actually meant something and there was a glimmer of hope. For the longest time I guess I could put reality at the back of my mind because I didn't notice any signs for the longest fucking time. But I knew. I knew that it was still happening every other day and all I can hope for is that you weren't the one that started it. But I guess that's the case any other time. And even if it wasn't you it's not as if it wasn't welcome. And if I was in the other side's shoes I know I'd feel just as irritated actually but everyone always believe they're in the right innit. Oh well. Maybe I should just quit fucking whining like I tell everyone else to and actually get some shit done. And I hope this post won't be a reason but if it happens I guess it would be so whatever. It's something at least. Admire Timo for his courage and his willingness to get shit done because honestly he doesn't give a fuck when it comes to things standing between him and his happyness (Yes my English isn't that bad I just like thinking of the movie)
And I guess this is relevant (And actually really touching) but I know I'm gonna regret linking this sooner or later LOL.
