I don't like Saturdays, in a way. They're spent whiling the day away at home on my computer. Well I could do something about it but now, what's there to do? It's the quietness speaking again. The thoughts in your head. Then again, was sick the whole of today. Ah well. My tailbone still hurts from yesterday after falling from the first clip before clipping in. That, and my whole body feels so lethargic. I haven't felt this tired and weak in while. Maybe it's a sign.
I wish I could talk to someone about this who could understand the whole situation. Well I think some people do, just that I'm scared of just opening up. I think that since I can't really say it now it feels a bit worse. Because as much as I want to, it'd just be selfish wouldn't it? It doesn't benefit you or anyone else. Just myself. And it'd just screw things up. This has been one of the weirder things that's happened so far. It's good though, one of the things that's kept me kinda content. Then again, maybe I just didn't see it last time? On purpose? Was just kinda scared of something going wrong, and that I was gonna just land up as how I usually end up. Those were good opportunities too. But now that I think of it again, maybe I was just overthinking at the time. That in fact nothing existed at all. Hmmm... haha well I'll never know now will I?
It feels weird now. Everything feels weird and surreal. I feel like I've surrendered to the nothingness but then sometimes I feel so
Welp it's kinda late now but I should probably get this post done soon, or it'll never happen. Feeling unwell so I'll keep it a bit shorter.
Boulderactive was over the last weekend. Haha I swear I'm getting worse at handling disappointment even though I should be getting better at it. Or maybe I am? I'm just hung up over stuff as usual. The comp was held at Funan Mall. Novice qualifiers were on Friday morning so had to wake up pretty early to get down to the City Hall area. Was put in detail 6 along with most of the other VJ peeps. Jovan, Ziq, and Anthony iirc. Funny thing happened that Andy Su thought he was in detail 16 and went out. Luckily since he registered they still could shift him to a later detail. Climb starts and I focus into competition mindset. I think one of the biggest and most useful things I've learnt this year under Nic has been maintaining focus during competitions. The ability to clear your mind and make sound judgements really counts especially when it comes down to attempts. Did the routes in order of 2-1-3-4-5-6. Had a bit of a shaky start from the first route when I missed my swing out to the next foothold. Managed to react in time and use the volume to keep tension with the wall. Route 1 was a tricky balance route that really pushed my patience haha but pulled a flash off in the end. Route 3 was relatively straightforward. 4 was the hard one I think. Required a LOT of clarity when it came to your own beta, as well as a degree of finger strength. Managed to match hands properly with a toe hook and finish off. Route 5, straightforward as well. Only thing was the match hand into heel hook, but the heel itself was stable and the next moves weren't hard too. Last was route 6; a jumpstart into static balance which needed a shoulder-y lock off move to the bonus hold. Managed to flash a bonus but even after 3 tries, failed to top the route. This was the bane of my climb. Couldn't stop imagining myself finishing it on the first try, which I could have if I had trusted my feet more and committed to the move. Ah well. 5 flashes and a bonus came out of the climb. Quite happy with my comp performance, even though I still rue the wasted finals and promotion opportunity. Vincent was even sadder though, holding 8th place until the last few details, missing out finals by an even smaller margin. I think the routes were a bit too easy for this year, especially considering the amount of people participating. Oh well, 17th place isn't that bad when I think about it, since that placing includes those not in Novice (*cough*Gavin*cough*). Still looking to improve, so here's to Gravical next year.
Went out to Sentosa on Monday's school holiday with the bunch too. Had a super duper awesome time getting sunburnt/almost sunburnt and playing with them. Our first outing which wasn't related to climbing hehe, and hopefully won't be our last. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to have been part of this team :)
I think I'll end off on this happy note. Good things shouldn't be spoiled. A post for another time perhaps.
GOD HELP ME this is such a fucking joke I can't. I don't even care if this doesn't make sense anymore I swear I'm fucking going over the edge soon. WHY GOD. WHY THE FUCK DID I NEED TO BE CURIOUS. HOLY SHIT in this case I'd rather be just an ignorant fuck. I probably won't be able to sleep well tonight if I can't get this shit out of my system. And it's Boulderactive tomorrow.
Sigh
I can't even be frustrated or angry anymore. Not at other things but just myself. It's just sad. This whole thing is just so. Fuck. I haven't let myself down to this state for a while. Not last year. Never just wallowed in my fucking tears. You know what the worst part is. The worst part is I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to do. Now that I find out and I realise how fucked up I feel now, it's clear to me. And the thing is I could have done something. All those times I just didn't wanna be seen as nothing and now what's happened. Such a coward such a nothing such a piece of fuck. And there's no use feeling sorry now. No use feeling sorry for myself. You know why? Because now I'm going to be happy. Happy for others. Tell them good job and congratulate them and pretend NOTHING'S WRONG. But by now all's wrong. I'm going to smile as always and tell myself "well shit maybe you should have not been a retard" and even after HOPING cos that's all I can do. Hope takes you nowhere.
Fuck I'm just so scared now. Angry. Fucking frustrated. Fuck cos things changed but I have to act like they didn't. And now it's so hard to act normal because every. single. fucking. second i just want to do something to feel dead inside completely.
One of the fewer times I'm posting while outside now. Sitting here at NLB and my half-done notes are lying there on the table and I can't get any motivation to continue anymore
Which kinda extends to the everything else now.
It's June and half the year is gone and CTs is in 1.5 weeks and all I can think about is what happens after which should be continuing to study but everything just boils down to nothing now (hooray run-on sentences). I just want to climb and get better but even now climbing serves no longer as an inspiration but a distraction. I want to climb for the wrong reasons and everything I want to do now is for the wrong reasons. I know it's stress I'm feeling now and oh my God help me. There is no longer any sense of achievement and I constantly wonder why I'm doing all this. At least in sec 4 after getting my stuff dome I'd feel happy about accomplishing something. Now it's just a sense of "yeah I'm done, so fucking what?". Why can't I just retire from being a student. Why can't I be like the fisherman from this story.
And to top it off I still haven't dealt with this shit. Fuck lah seriously. I don't even know what I know anymore. Was talking to Haziq about self-awareness the other day and he said he'd rather be self-aware. Tbh I'd rather too, but it just drives you deeper into the own stuff you think of, and then you land up hating yourself so so much. And no amount of company drives out this intense self-loathing because you yourself can't change anything about it. And right now I just wish I never knew anyone like that because Edge of Tomorrow showed it so clearly. That the more you know someone the harder it is to make yourself happy because that becomes the lowest priority. Everyone else takes precedence and then when the point comes where we're forced to be selfish we can't because now everyone doesn't care about everyone else and themselves as well. There is no more care left and all there is remaining is the empty shell of everyone. And we all need help and ask for it but everyone just curls up into a fucking porcupine don't they. Maybe at the end of the year I'll do something. Maybe I'll get the same result. Maybe it'll have died down by then.
I don't know what to do.
Back to studying
Good Night
And the backs of my eyes blur with things I've never done
I'd thought by now I'd be used to this feeling. After Os, after so many things I can't remember anymore.
Pumpfest 2014 probably my best and at the same time worst showing for bouldering so far. It's true though, what everyone's been saying and repeating. Expect less and gain more. All I wanted for this was to do well and I guess I'm honestly quite happy with my improvement. From consistently being last in the team for boulder comps to 18th overall and 4th (iirc) in the team. Determined to come back stronger for Boulderactive. Kinda scared though, that if I put too much pressure on myself I might not be able to focus. But I think I'll leave that for a later time. Then again happy doesn't necessarily mean satisfied too. The worst is not to have done badly, it's to do well yet knowing you could have done better. Sigh :P A bit disappointed in myself for not keeping my cool on route 3. If I'd just concentrated instead of panicking and anyhow whacking the route, I would've been able to top it and earn myself a spot in the finals and promotion into Inter. But what's done is done. Really happy for those that did get promoted. Hope to join you guys soon :)
On another note, I don't know why I'm getting jealous over such a thing. It's not like it was ever mine to cherish in the first place. And again I know why I'm thinking this way, but knowing and doing are 2 separate things. It all boils down to the same things again, and it just gets worse and worse because the one true remedy for this is more or less the affliction. And I do try, you know. I try to do to others what I would like in return. But maybe it takes a bit more than that. To try and spread a little less sadness and a little more love, care, happiness, comfort. God. Damn. It. Wish I wasn't so... idk. So scared. So aware. And yet just so willing but unable to do something about this.
