It seems like I can't even really talk much about anything now. Either nothing happens, or things just repeat itself lol. Kind of ironic how I'm just repeating so much shit when I post. Spent another Saturday doing absolutely nothing again. Revving up my studying again I think. Kind of. Was talking to Jia Zhi about how it feels so long in between climbing, even though it's only a week. Endurance really quite bad now so gotta work on that. I miss leading with the team so much :( I miss the days when Haziq, Jia Zhi and I would spam that yellow route on the speed wall until we were so elated at finishing that shit in one go after 6 months. I miss bouldering until I couldn't feel my forearms anymore. I miss getting flappers (Ok maybe I don't). I miss all the near rope burns from overhang falls. I miss the feeling of clipping in the anchor. I miss last year. I miss being happy.
Sigh. It's just 14 more weeks, starting tomorrow. It's gonna feel like an eternity. But after that maybe I can look forward to the next day again.
CT2 has been pretty brutal and completely lopsided. Have gotten back everything except for Lit now (that's probably gonna be next week). As it stands it's a BES_/B. Almost got my first A of my JC life with GP. Stuck up at 68 cos my compre was a bit disappointing. Well on the bright side, it's one less subject to worry about. Actually the ONLY subject I don't really worry about. Econs was really really disappointing though. Put a lot of effort into it but I guess my essay writing for econs just... sucks. Lol. Decided to practise essays and pass them to Mr Lum every week to work on that. Hope I do well for Lit. A C would be pretty nice to improve on CT1 overall.
Realising I'm just enticed by the idea of it rather than it itself now aren't I. Time to admit certain things.
It's been tiring to be honest. I feel like I've really lost all motivation after CTs. Which is this weird kind of stasis where I feel like mugging really hard but not doing anything at all lol. I blame this on the fact that there isn't really homework per se now. So now after school there isn't really the pressure to do work :P I just laze around mostly and wish I went climbing instead. I think it's a bit of that too hah. I feel like climbing more for some reason. Maybe to get the stress off a bit. The last few sessions climbing have been pretty fun actually. It's nice to just climb without a structured training schedule. Planning our own routes is nice too. That, and the fact that I can feel myself climbing better has totally replaced my motivation to study lol. It's like it shifted from studying to climbing, which is stupid because I need to sacrifice all worldly pleasures for the next 16 weeks.
Cmon man.
It's been pretty mundane I think. And the fear's coming back. The fear that everyone's just gonna leave now that we're done. And after all we've been through so far. Sheesh. That's why it sucks being so attached to people after a while. I know that it may not happen, and it probably won't. But irrational fear is still irrational, and it's still there. Also, the fact that I still dwell on lots of stupid things isn't helping. If it was just that I think it'd be okay. But it's not. It's the FUCKED up thoughts that pass through your mind. The intrusive ones. The ones you want out of your fucking mind but you somehow think of that shit again. And again. And everywhere you look you make yourself sad because holy shit there's nothing to be sad about. That what the fuck it's completely okay to and yet why do you PINE for that? Now it's only telling yourself
I don't like Saturdays, in a way. They're spent whiling the day away at home on my computer. Well I could do something about it but now, what's there to do? It's the quietness speaking again. The thoughts in your head. Then again, was sick the whole of today. Ah well. My tailbone still hurts from yesterday after falling from the first clip before clipping in. That, and my whole body feels so lethargic. I haven't felt this tired and weak in while. Maybe it's a sign.
I wish I could talk to someone about this who could understand the whole situation. Well I think some people do, just that I'm scared of just opening up. I think that since I can't really say it now it feels a bit worse. Because as much as I want to, it'd just be selfish wouldn't it? It doesn't benefit you or anyone else. Just myself. And it'd just screw things up. This has been one of the weirder things that's happened so far. It's good though, one of the things that's kept me kinda content. Then again, maybe I just didn't see it last time? On purpose? Was just kinda scared of something going wrong, and that I was gonna just land up as how I usually end up. Those were good opportunities too. But now that I think of it again, maybe I was just overthinking at the time. That in fact nothing existed at all. Hmmm... haha well I'll never know now will I?
It feels weird now. Everything feels weird and surreal. I feel like I've surrendered to the nothingness but then sometimes I feel so
Welp it's kinda late now but I should probably get this post done soon, or it'll never happen. Feeling unwell so I'll keep it a bit shorter.
Boulderactive was over the last weekend. Haha I swear I'm getting worse at handling disappointment even though I should be getting better at it. Or maybe I am? I'm just hung up over stuff as usual. The comp was held at Funan Mall. Novice qualifiers were on Friday morning so had to wake up pretty early to get down to the City Hall area. Was put in detail 6 along with most of the other VJ peeps. Jovan, Ziq, and Anthony iirc. Funny thing happened that Andy Su thought he was in detail 16 and went out. Luckily since he registered they still could shift him to a later detail. Climb starts and I focus into competition mindset. I think one of the biggest and most useful things I've learnt this year under Nic has been maintaining focus during competitions. The ability to clear your mind and make sound judgements really counts especially when it comes down to attempts. Did the routes in order of 2-1-3-4-5-6. Had a bit of a shaky start from the first route when I missed my swing out to the next foothold. Managed to react in time and use the volume to keep tension with the wall. Route 1 was a tricky balance route that really pushed my patience haha but pulled a flash off in the end. Route 3 was relatively straightforward. 4 was the hard one I think. Required a LOT of clarity when it came to your own beta, as well as a degree of finger strength. Managed to match hands properly with a toe hook and finish off. Route 5, straightforward as well. Only thing was the match hand into heel hook, but the heel itself was stable and the next moves weren't hard too. Last was route 6; a jumpstart into static balance which needed a shoulder-y lock off move to the bonus hold. Managed to flash a bonus but even after 3 tries, failed to top the route. This was the bane of my climb. Couldn't stop imagining myself finishing it on the first try, which I could have if I had trusted my feet more and committed to the move. Ah well. 5 flashes and a bonus came out of the climb. Quite happy with my comp performance, even though I still rue the wasted finals and promotion opportunity. Vincent was even sadder though, holding 8th place until the last few details, missing out finals by an even smaller margin. I think the routes were a bit too easy for this year, especially considering the amount of people participating. Oh well, 17th place isn't that bad when I think about it, since that placing includes those not in Novice (*cough*Gavin*cough*). Still looking to improve, so here's to Gravical next year.
Went out to Sentosa on Monday's school holiday with the bunch too. Had a super duper awesome time getting sunburnt/almost sunburnt and playing with them. Our first outing which wasn't related to climbing hehe, and hopefully won't be our last. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to have been part of this team :)
I think I'll end off on this happy note. Good things shouldn't be spoiled. A post for another time perhaps.
GOD HELP ME this is such a fucking joke I can't. I don't even care if this doesn't make sense anymore I swear I'm fucking going over the edge soon. WHY GOD. WHY THE FUCK DID I NEED TO BE CURIOUS. HOLY SHIT in this case I'd rather be just an ignorant fuck. I probably won't be able to sleep well tonight if I can't get this shit out of my system. And it's Boulderactive tomorrow.
Sigh
I can't even be frustrated or angry anymore. Not at other things but just myself. It's just sad. This whole thing is just so. Fuck. I haven't let myself down to this state for a while. Not last year. Never just wallowed in my fucking tears. You know what the worst part is. The worst part is I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to do. Now that I find out and I realise how fucked up I feel now, it's clear to me. And the thing is I could have done something. All those times I just didn't wanna be seen as nothing and now what's happened. Such a coward such a nothing such a piece of fuck. And there's no use feeling sorry now. No use feeling sorry for myself. You know why? Because now I'm going to be happy. Happy for others. Tell them good job and congratulate them and pretend NOTHING'S WRONG. But by now all's wrong. I'm going to smile as always and tell myself "well shit maybe you should have not been a retard" and even after HOPING cos that's all I can do. Hope takes you nowhere.
Fuck I'm just so scared now. Angry. Fucking frustrated. Fuck cos things changed but I have to act like they didn't. And now it's so hard to act normal because every. single. fucking. second i just want to do something to feel dead inside completely.
