Speed

Stopped my games earlier a bit today since I wasn't really in the mood and I need to sleep earlier seeing I have to report for work tmr by 7.45 at Raffles Place area. 

It's been a while since I last posted as well but I think today I'll just ramble a bit. The only rather interesting piece that's happened between the last post and now is that the team has started speed so I went down to Onsight to help them get started. And on that note

I guess since I was young I've never really considered teaching to be something I'd enjoy. And slowly as I took on leadership positions while growing up in school I realised it was something I could find a sense of fulfillment in. The first time I had ever been a "leader" in a sense was in the scouts in primary school where it served basically as something you progressed into rather than something that was earned by merit. Well, as far as I can remember anyway. The first time I was properly tasked to lead something was probably as an OAL for the Secondary 2 camp. Being in such a position of power for something like a camp felt exhilarating and eventually led to some degree of abuse of it. I went absolutely manic at certain points just because I could get away with it. I felt such a large amount of satisfaction being on the opposite end for once, being the one throwing shit instead of receiving it. But I quickly realised that what I had attained merely a fleeting happiness and decided that I would not go down that way again after I took over in NCC. Which brings me to my next point, of NCC being the thing up till now that has defined the way I view people. I think NCC kind of brought out a certain perfectionist side in me, due to the incredibly mind numbing repetitions we were required to perform for things from PT to drills. It nurtures your desire to make sure things are good on the first try so you don't have to do it again. And if you have to practice to make perfect, you do it even if it means 9 hours of training from Saturday morning to evening. It was also here that I realised that you don't need to instill the fear of God into your lower ranks in order to be a good leader. You don't need to make their hands and legs bleed from stupid punishments. I decided there and then after standing in front of them to be as reasonable about everything as I possibly could. And this is where I became probably the most lenient Part C UDI in history. I tend to explain it as being that Zhi Herng had disciplined them to the point where physical punishment was no longer necessary. I did, and still do believe that to be true. I recall only ever pumping them 2 or 3 times in my entire stint as their Staff Sergeant, and even then only being truly angry in one instance. And I'm not trying to be high and mighty here, but both times I pumped them, I did it along with them because I believe that what you do to others you should be able to yourself as well. I think that did help instill some sort of consideration on their part (pun of the day) and it helped immensely. Most of the time, when they fucked up I tried to explain things and only shouted when they fucked up incredibly bad. I do admit that I may have been a bit too nice to them, but I do not regret it at all, and in any case they did not climb over my head. I feel that, while it may not have been as fun (in the truest sense of the word) as other things I have endeavoured on, it was definitely the most fulfilling and I would not exchange it for anything else. And though this isn't exactly the best place to say it, I'll just leave this here by saying that I really do miss each and every single one of not only my part mates, but the part Cs I took. I still look back on the times where they did something nice for me, like my birthday and the present (which I still use today), and I wonder how everyone is doing now. So while this wasn't exactly teaching per se, its helped me discover a part of myself that I never really knew about, and for that experience I'm infinitely grateful. 

Was a lot more melancholy when I decided to type this post up, but writing that last paragraph has somehow made me a lot more wistful and nostalgic, which helps in shoving the darker thoughts away. Oh well :)

Good Night

Keep on keeping on

And it's just I wanna know 

Omega

Glad to still be alive after Krabi.

In all seriousness, Krabi was over the last week or so and I'm really relieved that nothing major happened during the trip. Still fucking salty though, that I lost my specs during deep water AND I left my chalkbag behind at one of the walls. Other than that, I can safely say that was the most fun trip I've ever had. It was nice to be able to just go out with the squad and do our own shit. First day was mostly chill since with landed in the late afternoon around there. Had our first dinner at the local Thai restaurant and it was fuckin good. Decided to sign up for Deep Water Solo the next day with King Climbers (the guys who did our guide book). Deep water was definitely an experience but also the kind of thing I don't think I'd do again. Maybe if it was a proper route and not with other people, it'd be much nicer. In any case, the one we did made DWS seem overrated. Partly cos there were so many other people there it kinda crowded up the experience. Also cos it wasn't a legit route and it was basically like a sideways traverse. First climb was the highest but that was cos I didn't really know what to expect. Jumped off cos they told me not to climb too high and thank god they did. Impact was a bitch and that was where I lost my specs. Whole thing was pretty tiring probably cos the swimming with climbing shoes on was EXHAUSTING. That, and having to climb back into the speedboat. Got pretty done with it after a while haha. Second day was what I was looking forward to when we went to lead. This was still with the whole group so we decided to go for an easier wall. Only managed to get in about 2 climbs throughout the whole day cos there were so many of us. 3rd day Vincent, Haziq and Hubert went home. Jia Zhi was sick that day so we basically just slacked for the rest of the day. A bit lazy to type out the rest of the trip, and it was kinda just slacking and climbing mostly so I won't go into detail. Met a really chill Malaysian guy though, shame I forgot to get his name. He comes to SG to climb quite often. Also found it kinda funny how the trip turned into a pseudo photoshoot instead of a climbing one.

Here's the list of climbs in order:

Muay Thai 6B+
We Sad 6A+
Pahn Taalod (Always Pass) 6A
The Lion King 6C+
Tidal Wave 7B+/7C (Uncompleted, but a helluva route I'd want to try again in the future)
Vikings In Heat 6C
Hin Rong Hai (Crying Rock) 6C
Jumping for Jugs 6C

Strangely enough, the only flashes I held were the first 2 which we did on day 1. I do regret not being able to climb more routes, especially the 6C+s and maybe a few 7As. But I guess I'd chalk (heh) that down to lack of experience climbing overseas, seeing as we needed to take a lot of factors into account such as the position of the sun and the tide into whether we could climb or not. But all in all I think it was a very worth it trip.

Been in a really really really shitty mood since I came back from Krabi. I've just been super done with a lot of things and it's almost always "fuck this shit I'm out". Got a bit irritated with someone recently also. I mean it's one thing to pangseh, but to do it so many times? And the least you could do was to reply my calls instead of hanging up. I mean cmon. I guess I'm just tired of trying to make an effort for people and fake being happy you know. Even in Krabi sometimes the emotion just hits and my smile falters, so I just sit there staring into the sea and wondering why, just why. Maybe in the end everyone's just closer to everyone else, and I'm just. Well. I'm just here yknow. I want to feel like I mean something sometimes but most of the time I can't even be happy with myself. And it shows. I try so desperately to connect with someone anyone but it ends with 2 blue ticks. I honestly have so little fucks to give about everything already but. In the end I come crawling back. And I'm so scared of looking like a self-pitying fool because in reality that's the truth. There are people worse off than me and I do try to think of that. Sometimes I just try looking on the bright side but I always feel it at the back of my neck, breathing down. The voice that brings me back down to the ground face first and shows me how really empty I am.

Help.

Good Night

Read my lips and shut your face

Adventure

Holy shit it's been a while since I've been here. Mainly cause I've been so lazy to blog and any troubles I have are more or less put aside for now. In any case, there's been quite a lot that happened this past month or so but I'll just try to keep it short I guess.

Mount Kinabalu was a 3 day thing last month that was actually pretty uh.. different. I don't really say fun cos the actual climb was anything BUT fun. It was a REALLY good experience though. I kind of regret not training properly for the climb cos I think if I wasn't so tired, it would have been way more enjoyable. The climb up itself wasn't too bad actually, cos we were all still pretty fresh. The entire climb lasted about 2 days overall, both up and down. Started from base camp around 8am or so and climbed for about 6 hours before reaching the checkpoint lodge. Never been so happy to see a building in my life. I was grouped together with Shaun from 62nd and a few other guys. Had an early dinner and slept around like 8pm? Since we were supposed to wake up at 1.30am next day to start our summit attempt. Had to wake up midway cos I needed the toilet and fml couldn't sleep at all after that. The sergeant next to me had his phone off silent so whoever he was messaging kept sending shit and I couldn't get any shut eye at all. Add to the fact that my knee joints were aching like fuck from the upclimb and that was one of the worst nights I've had. Reported at 1.30 or so for the summit climb. Was pretty cold and the thin air was very noticeable. Idk how to explain it, but it's like taking a deep breath but still feeling short of air. Heart was pounding so hard while climbing haha. The top part was mostly barren rock and very slope-y, which was worse cos it meant using mostly my calf muscles when climbing, which tired me out faster. Had to take a huge amount of breaks and was climbing really slowly. 4 hours later managed to catch the sunrise just in time. And Holy. Shit. That was something that was really really mind-numbing. To look around and see yourself above the clouds. It was like seeing a sunrise from an airplane but you were outside the cabin. Feeling the wind and the sun on your face in all its glory. Fuck yeah Mother Nature. The downclimb was really the most gruelling. They weren't joking when they said it was more tiring than the upclimb. My knees and joints were so fucking sore all the way until the bottom. Felt like just cutting my legs off and be done with it. Worse still, I had a corn on the bottom of my foot that hurt like a BITCH and I could feel every step of the way. Oh wells, at least I didn't die on that mountain, so sayonara Kinabalu.

Christmas was pretty uneventful so I'll just skip that.

Next thing was GRAVICAL. Was really excited actually to see Akiyo Noguchi she's been one of my favourite world cup climbers cos even though she's shorter as an Asian you can see she puts in a LOT of effort during competitions. ASIA REPRESENT. That, and she's so cute as a person. Went down all 4 days to support the team and congrats to [Vincent: For finally becoming INTER WONG], [Xin: For getting finals in her first Inter comp. I was a very very proud mama], [RahRah Yeoh: For nearly promoting during the same finals as well. That was a helluva performance. Open is waiting for her arrival very soon]. Special mention to Ryan Tay who was beasting during qualifiers and just missed out on promotion, and also to soon-to-be-married Coach Nic who scored semi-finals in Open. Open finals was on Sunday evening and it was INTENSE. No one completed Route 1 for both male and female. Hazlee got a bonus on Route 1 and that was only cos he was tall (legit). The first top came for the females from LITING <3 p="">

The crowd went wild cos that was the first route that ANYONE had finished. She eventually won the entire thing together with Adriel, which made me a very happy fanboy. Overall, Gravical was a super great 4 days. My only regret is that the rest of the team wasn't there for it.

Speaking of the team, I miss them so so much. I miss the trainings. I miss taking 48 with them to Little India MRT. I miss waiting for goddamn Matthias every single time. I miss staying way too late after training still climbing with them. And miss how we'd finally go to eat, clearing NTUC of all their soya milk at the same time. I miss the mock comps, how the guys would cheer on the girls and vice versa. I miss so much. But everyone's moved on. All the girls have work and don't come to climb at all after that. Even Jasmine found work lol. And the rest of the guys are just MIA nowadays. It's just left with Jia Zhi, Chen Zhi, Haziq and me to hold the fort. Sometimes Vincent and Gabriel come but it'll never be the same. I look back on my insta and blog posts last year during farewell and realise how WISHFUL I sounded. Even though back then I knew, deep down that everything has to change. It's the only constant in this world after all. And it doesn't make me angry or sad I just feel so full of regret. That why forge something so strong only for everyone to just fade away like it was never there to begin with. Mannnnn

It doesn't help that I having lots of doubts about this issue now. I think it's just the same thing as always, even though I WANT it to be different. To be something that actually matters to me. But I know, anyhow. It's just a manifestation of my own feelings of inadequacy. That I do care is one thing, but to care in that manner. Meh.

Anyhoooo~ Going of to Krabi tomorrow and I still haven't packed. Kinda excited but nervous also. First time going overseas with just friends. Here's to not dying! LOL

Good Night

Time to do or die

Moving

You'd think that after As I'd be blogging a lot more, but strangely I've been kind of occupied the last couple of days. Partly cos I've been playing Osu a lot of the late nights I normally blog, and partly cos I've been coming home a bit later or staying out overnight. Ah well. I'm tired as fuck but I really need to get this off.

Prom was 2 days ago and was actually surprisingly fun. The MC did a terrific job and the events and shit were mostly entertaining. Man I wish I'd win something in a lucky draw at least once. The only thing was that the food was pretty bland and took fucking ages to arrive. Because of this a lot of people just went outside to talk so it was actually pretty empty inside the ballroom most of the times. Speaking of people, had a table together with the rest of S53. Ah, wasn't the best of times everyone kept going off (mostly the councilors) so it was a bit awkward with no food and not many people at the table. Thing ended okay took some pictures before leaving for the hotel that the climbers booked. Got the alcohol but quickly realised that it was a bit too much when I reached there cos I was buying for everyone when it turns out that only 5 of us were drinking and furthermore only 3 of us were taking more than 3 cups. Tried to tank because I wanted to finish the alcohol but died pretty fast (RIP). Threw up and just crashed till the next morning. It was legit quite fun though, sharing a hotel room with those guys. Put on some music and just forgot about all our shit for a while.

Had to wake up early the next morning to send Zhi Ming off. Since I bought the alcohol the previous night I was the one who had to bring it back with me T_T Went straight to Pasir Ris MRT where Zhi Ming was supposed to take the shuttle bus from. Can't believe he's already enlisted hahaha but it's okay I'm looking forward to all his stories when he comes out. Gave him a shot to down before he boarded and apparently his whole face became damn red.

I realised that night as well that I like to shoot my mouth off a lot and I guess it's because I kind of know that when it comes down to the wire I'm just not up to a lot of things. I've never had an innate talent for anything. I achieve some vague sense of competency by learning as much as I can (if I'm motivated for it) and applying it rigorously. But when it comes to other things where I can't do that, I tend to just fall on my face and reveal the vast amount of idiocy I have at my disposal.

Went to the class chalet after taking a nap. Reached when they were halfway through dinner so just kinda lepaked for the entire time until like 12 when we decided to watch a movie. Jun Yu had this massive movie collection so we watched Kick-Ass 2 and The A Team. Funnily enough only Hazel and me were more or less awake, The rest were about the crash already while watching the A Team which was pretty amusing. Nigel also sobered up so he and Wei Xuan joined us to just sit outside afterwards with Joey also. Had about 2 hours plus to sunrise so we tried to set up a game of poker. Didn't have money or shit on us so we just used fake money by typing the amounts into our phones. (Yes it was my brilliant idea). Went to sit up on the roof after that to try and catch the sunrise but it was quite fail because we weren't facing the direction. So the full sunrise was blocked by the chalets on the right of us. In any case, was a pretty cool thing:)

It's nice to spend a night with people, even if you're not particularly close to them. Then again there's 2 sides to a coin. There's a lot of unwanted thoughts that go with that. It was kind of frustrating in a sense, that night. Because as much as I just wanted to just relax with the rest I also wanted to open up to someone but there's still a distance. It's the beach view that does it I swear haha. I've never actually been close to the class, and that's all on me. So I guess I'd just have to deal with it and maybe hope things do get better. I'm not saying it was a bad time. On the contrary, it WAS something I enjoyed a lot in just being able to chill for a whole night. But it stings a bit to be left out of certain things as well, which was kind of funny in an awkward way seeing us scrubs just sitting around in the living room at one point in time. And that's what I've been afraid of and I'm finally able to articulate it. I'm afraid of being left behind. Everyone's moving on with their lives and I'm just stagnant, I want things to remain as they are. When people reminisce about past memories I act as if I'm above that and think they're the ones who can't let go when in fact I'm the one who just doesn't want to change. I'm so afraid while I've just been waiting and waiting and it seems that life is moving on without me and so are the people in it. Last night was almost a so close yet so far moment. It's so STUPID but just sitting in that spot during the movie made me realise it'd actually be nice to stop just live for something more, a better purpose if you will. And it sounds so, so, so cliche but hell that's what you get for doing stupid shit.

And it really makes me wonder

Good Night

Cause we could be immortals

Debilitation

Been a month since my last post, right before As started. About time I updated this :P

Made a montage over the last few weeks here if anyone wants to check it out.

Said this to a few people but I'll just repeat it here. "How was A levels?" To be honest I really, really don't care how I do for As. I was never motivated for it, just pressured by everyone else. So for me I guess it's kinda like if I do well good then, if I don't do well then I've already accepted it. Just gonna quickly run through it for now. I'm actually quite unsure about GP. I've never done that well for past years' compres and thus time round it seems the worst so far. On the flipside, the essay I wrote was one of the ones I'm happiest with. Helped that the school spotted roughly along the same idea for the mock exam so I retained quite a few points and managed to expound on them more easily. Math was a fuckin TERROR. Ohmygod. The first paper was like a goddamn prelim paper, and the 2nd paper was tricky as shit. Prepared to get a B, although I think an A IS possible. Still. Was hoping the paper would be better but what happened happened. Lit was decent overall. Extremely standard topics came out for P3, although P1 was pretty weird in terms of the phrasing of the question. Couldn't really formulate a good argument so I smoked a lot through the 2 text based. For Econs, personally felt the case study was pretty manageable even though a lot of people said it was difficult. Meh, I always can't really anticipate stuff for Econs so I'll just leave it as it is. Physics was actually pretty decent cos the paper rather easy I felt. Fell short on time for MCQ but overall I think an A isn't unrealistic. Then again, the bell curve might shift quite a bit because it was easier.

Been binging so much on anime since it all ended. Haven't had much to do at home if I'm not climbing. Not really going out a lot except maybe for a movie here and there. Been catching up on the Tokyo Ghoul manga, the first time I've ever bothered to try reading one. More of an animation kind of person rather than stills but the story's good enough to keep me going. Encountered my first "forced" anime in A Certain Magical Index. By "forced" I mean that it was kind of the first series I didn't really enjoy and had to push myself to finish simply because I didn't wanna drop my first series. The characters were really bland and the lack of a clear overarching plot was also a turnoff. The plot jumping from place to place also was pretty irritating. The only saving grace was Misaka Mikoto and Accelerator in the Sisters arc. The characterisation of those 2 was nice to see, and Misaka's a pretty cool chick too. Hopefully A Certain Scientific Railgun will be better since Misaka's the MC in that. Started on Spice and Wolf after that and was a welcome change. I'm a sucker for a good romance and this was it. Holo and Lawrence are like the cutest couple and they make me feel warm and fuzzy haha. Holo is astoundingly cute~~ Then again, if season 2 ends unfinished I'm gonna be so salty but apparently that's how it is. Guess I'll move on to the light novels if there's a hole in my heart after this. Would talk about SAO II but maybe another day, been ranting enough on anime already haha.
 

  Just gonna leave a gif here 

This is how the first Hunger Games should have ended (isn't this adorable)

Sigh

I knew this was gonna happen but to actually be feeling it now is something else. The post As nothingness is really... it sounds like a first world problem and honestly, I AM grateful that I'm not rotting away in a library everyday. But this emptiness hits hard when there's nothing else out there to look forward to. Army's in 6 months and even then I have no idea what I'm doing. That, and the loneliness is crushing. I think I'm beginning to understand old people feel. And I'm not even kidding. For me I guess you look around and it seems like paradise, but all you're doing is feeding the fruits to the people in it. Heck, just today I was counselling a guy I've never met and don't even know the name of about his recent breakup. It sounds so hypocritical, so PRETENTIOUS, to attempt to know what it's like. And I did it over the fucking League client. God. This is fucked up. I think God's watching though. Whitney sent a message just at the right time and I can't begin to express how much better that made me feel. People still do care, and it's nice to know, so thank you again :)

Hope my wrist heals by Friday. I miss climbing with the IPs 

Good Night

I found a way

Over the fear and through the flames