Application

Start of April already.

I remember when I was still in secondary school and taking tuition. I had a really good Chinese tuition teacher called Mr John Chew (The coincidence). And he was good not because he taught the subject really well, but because he taught me a lot about life. At a time when I was so entrenched in my own life I was taught to think of others from their perspective. I learnt to reconcile my own religious beliefs with my social beliefs. I learnt that there's a lot in life that we take for granted in the chase for the next best thing. I never realised it, but I've been applying what he taught me even now. After As ended I told myself that I would not want to take a job where I was cooped up in an office. Actually for that matter, that has been my own view for a while now. And that's when I decided to take up freelancing for LDR to do heritage trails. I saw it as an opportunity to not only get some working experience, but also to learn about things I never really paid attention to during school times. It allowed me to get out of the house and explore areas like Clarke Quay and the Singapore River not from someone wearing a long-sleeved shirt but as a person teaching others about the place itself. I was actually invested in the place I was at, that was my whole purpose of being there. Instead of taking a lift up in the morning to spend 9 hours with the air conditioner, I walked along the River, up the stairs to Fort Canning, explaining the past of the place to the present who were there. And I found it WORTHWHILE. And yet people still tell me "get a proper job". Even if half-jokingly, I know what they mean. Yet is it out of their own envy that they tell me that? Because I'm doing the exact opposite of what they do and I enjoy it? Or is it just that, a joke? If you ask me now, I will say I've had no regrets. That I spent the last 5 months doing exactly what I wanted to do. The only time I've been free of obligations, and I didn't force myself into months of monotonous routine. And that I will never ever get this chance again. Hell yeah it's worth it.

Then again, I still feel that overwhelming sense of. I have no idea how to describe it. Is it loneliness, melancholy, resignation, apathy...? Walking to the MRT. Or waiting for the movie to start. Or just going to sleep. I've never really talked about this directly. Remember all my old posts vaguely talking about a "you". I think what scares me now is that even after I've never really changed the way I am, I've never really encountered the same thing in the year and a half since that period of my life. It's a rare thing, to be so sure about someone and something, but how sure you are doesn't mean you're going to get it right. I find it funny how only now I can talk about this and yet I've never brought it up with others. I'm sitting behind a motherfucking screen sharing my heart out. The irony of the situation is hilarious. It was never about being "too late" or what other bullshit. The only things now is that I haven't met someone who's made me feel in such a manner. At that point in my life - and to some extent I believe currently - I honestly felt that you were somebody I could give the rest of my life to. Nothing had actually happened but there I was sitting in my own dream bubble imagining what the rest of my life would be like if that were the case. Oh to be that age again. Haha I'm beginning to sound like a wistful old man. And it's pretty stupid, don't you think? I haven't even hit my 20s and yet here I am worrying about being alone in my old age. But I admit no shame in feeling such a way. There's nothing wrong with feeling what a person can feel. It'd be nice to be priority for somebody for once. And maybe I'll listen to my own advice as well.

Why worry about what your present self can do in the future which you know nothing of?

Good Night

Everybody

Put your hands up

Letters

A month since.

and

A month and a half left.

I feel like at this point in time I need a giant signboard over my head that states my enlistment date along with what day it will be and what time. Almost every conversation I've had with anyone has included the question of when I'm enlisting and the occasional "are you excited/scared/ready" to which I usually answer "no/no/I couldn't really care less".

Conclusion.

Results came out about half a month ago. Even with only 3 national exams I've taken so far, I feel this has got to be one of the strangest. I can't say I wasn't disappointed slightly by how A levels turned out. But at the same time I'm pretty okay with it actually. I guess it helps knowing that I got the result that I deserved, no more no less. In the end, doing well would've just been a nice bonus. I'm still happy for those that did well at the same time. Almost everyone in the team did well so I'm quite proud of them, especially since they studied so hard for it. Then again, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't salty about those people who were going around "OMG I did better than expected" Well yeah kudos to you then :P I'm in a frustrating spot now though, where personally I'm quite okay with my grades, but at the same time they're just below last year's cutoff for the NTU School of Comms. That's been my sole goal ever since I decided I wanted to do journalism. Tried to bolster my application through the discretionary application, hoping and praying that I'll get in. Second choice at NTU for me would be Sociology, cos that seems like the closest alternative to doing journalism, but I don't know whether I'd be able to enjoy doing it. We'll see how it goes. Strangely enough, when I've just fallen short of something, the second option somehow turns out to be better. It happened in NCC and O levels, so here's to hoping everything works out fine in the end again.

I can't say that this hiatus hasn't had it's fair share of downsides. Though to say something would kinda be like a "first world problems" kind of thing. I can tell that I've been pretty extra during the J2 trainings, but they're just too nice to be a dick to me about it :P It's only really been Jia Zhi and me that's left. I guess Jas would climb if her work wasn't so far from CA. I'm still avoiding the issue lol, but out with it. I guess there's a lot of things they don't tell you as a kid. They tell you adulthood or growing up is filled with responsibilities. They tell you that you have to earn your keep, that you have to eat healthy once your body starts to conk out, that paying bills and shit is well, shit. What they don't tell you is that there is no fairytale ending. That sometimes the loneliness you feel is crushing. That sometimes you literally ache at the feeling of emptiness. And that sometimes you're so unsure of yourself simply because you can't tell if it's just the loneliness latching on to the first thing it sees, or if you actually give a shit about others. And then you tell yourself that no, you actually do care but in the times of solitude? When no one else is around and the eerie comfort of silence welcomes you again and you just, sink right into it. Letting in body and soul until your mind shakes you to tell you that what you need is PEOPLE. What you need is a PERSON. There's a lot of things that I don't know anymore.

Fucking Larkin.

Good Night

I really like this MV

Sugar?

Yes Please

Speed

Stopped my games earlier a bit today since I wasn't really in the mood and I need to sleep earlier seeing I have to report for work tmr by 7.45 at Raffles Place area. 

It's been a while since I last posted as well but I think today I'll just ramble a bit. The only rather interesting piece that's happened between the last post and now is that the team has started speed so I went down to Onsight to help them get started. And on that note

I guess since I was young I've never really considered teaching to be something I'd enjoy. And slowly as I took on leadership positions while growing up in school I realised it was something I could find a sense of fulfillment in. The first time I had ever been a "leader" in a sense was in the scouts in primary school where it served basically as something you progressed into rather than something that was earned by merit. Well, as far as I can remember anyway. The first time I was properly tasked to lead something was probably as an OAL for the Secondary 2 camp. Being in such a position of power for something like a camp felt exhilarating and eventually led to some degree of abuse of it. I went absolutely manic at certain points just because I could get away with it. I felt such a large amount of satisfaction being on the opposite end for once, being the one throwing shit instead of receiving it. But I quickly realised that what I had attained merely a fleeting happiness and decided that I would not go down that way again after I took over in NCC. Which brings me to my next point, of NCC being the thing up till now that has defined the way I view people. I think NCC kind of brought out a certain perfectionist side in me, due to the incredibly mind numbing repetitions we were required to perform for things from PT to drills. It nurtures your desire to make sure things are good on the first try so you don't have to do it again. And if you have to practice to make perfect, you do it even if it means 9 hours of training from Saturday morning to evening. It was also here that I realised that you don't need to instill the fear of God into your lower ranks in order to be a good leader. You don't need to make their hands and legs bleed from stupid punishments. I decided there and then after standing in front of them to be as reasonable about everything as I possibly could. And this is where I became probably the most lenient Part C UDI in history. I tend to explain it as being that Zhi Herng had disciplined them to the point where physical punishment was no longer necessary. I did, and still do believe that to be true. I recall only ever pumping them 2 or 3 times in my entire stint as their Staff Sergeant, and even then only being truly angry in one instance. And I'm not trying to be high and mighty here, but both times I pumped them, I did it along with them because I believe that what you do to others you should be able to yourself as well. I think that did help instill some sort of consideration on their part (pun of the day) and it helped immensely. Most of the time, when they fucked up I tried to explain things and only shouted when they fucked up incredibly bad. I do admit that I may have been a bit too nice to them, but I do not regret it at all, and in any case they did not climb over my head. I feel that, while it may not have been as fun (in the truest sense of the word) as other things I have endeavoured on, it was definitely the most fulfilling and I would not exchange it for anything else. And though this isn't exactly the best place to say it, I'll just leave this here by saying that I really do miss each and every single one of not only my part mates, but the part Cs I took. I still look back on the times where they did something nice for me, like my birthday and the present (which I still use today), and I wonder how everyone is doing now. So while this wasn't exactly teaching per se, its helped me discover a part of myself that I never really knew about, and for that experience I'm infinitely grateful. 

Was a lot more melancholy when I decided to type this post up, but writing that last paragraph has somehow made me a lot more wistful and nostalgic, which helps in shoving the darker thoughts away. Oh well :)

Good Night

Keep on keeping on

And it's just I wanna know 

Omega

Glad to still be alive after Krabi.

In all seriousness, Krabi was over the last week or so and I'm really relieved that nothing major happened during the trip. Still fucking salty though, that I lost my specs during deep water AND I left my chalkbag behind at one of the walls. Other than that, I can safely say that was the most fun trip I've ever had. It was nice to be able to just go out with the squad and do our own shit. First day was mostly chill since with landed in the late afternoon around there. Had our first dinner at the local Thai restaurant and it was fuckin good. Decided to sign up for Deep Water Solo the next day with King Climbers (the guys who did our guide book). Deep water was definitely an experience but also the kind of thing I don't think I'd do again. Maybe if it was a proper route and not with other people, it'd be much nicer. In any case, the one we did made DWS seem overrated. Partly cos there were so many other people there it kinda crowded up the experience. Also cos it wasn't a legit route and it was basically like a sideways traverse. First climb was the highest but that was cos I didn't really know what to expect. Jumped off cos they told me not to climb too high and thank god they did. Impact was a bitch and that was where I lost my specs. Whole thing was pretty tiring probably cos the swimming with climbing shoes on was EXHAUSTING. That, and having to climb back into the speedboat. Got pretty done with it after a while haha. Second day was what I was looking forward to when we went to lead. This was still with the whole group so we decided to go for an easier wall. Only managed to get in about 2 climbs throughout the whole day cos there were so many of us. 3rd day Vincent, Haziq and Hubert went home. Jia Zhi was sick that day so we basically just slacked for the rest of the day. A bit lazy to type out the rest of the trip, and it was kinda just slacking and climbing mostly so I won't go into detail. Met a really chill Malaysian guy though, shame I forgot to get his name. He comes to SG to climb quite often. Also found it kinda funny how the trip turned into a pseudo photoshoot instead of a climbing one.

Here's the list of climbs in order:

Muay Thai 6B+
We Sad 6A+
Pahn Taalod (Always Pass) 6A
The Lion King 6C+
Tidal Wave 7B+/7C (Uncompleted, but a helluva route I'd want to try again in the future)
Vikings In Heat 6C
Hin Rong Hai (Crying Rock) 6C
Jumping for Jugs 6C

Strangely enough, the only flashes I held were the first 2 which we did on day 1. I do regret not being able to climb more routes, especially the 6C+s and maybe a few 7As. But I guess I'd chalk (heh) that down to lack of experience climbing overseas, seeing as we needed to take a lot of factors into account such as the position of the sun and the tide into whether we could climb or not. But all in all I think it was a very worth it trip.

Been in a really really really shitty mood since I came back from Krabi. I've just been super done with a lot of things and it's almost always "fuck this shit I'm out". Got a bit irritated with someone recently also. I mean it's one thing to pangseh, but to do it so many times? And the least you could do was to reply my calls instead of hanging up. I mean cmon. I guess I'm just tired of trying to make an effort for people and fake being happy you know. Even in Krabi sometimes the emotion just hits and my smile falters, so I just sit there staring into the sea and wondering why, just why. Maybe in the end everyone's just closer to everyone else, and I'm just. Well. I'm just here yknow. I want to feel like I mean something sometimes but most of the time I can't even be happy with myself. And it shows. I try so desperately to connect with someone anyone but it ends with 2 blue ticks. I honestly have so little fucks to give about everything already but. In the end I come crawling back. And I'm so scared of looking like a self-pitying fool because in reality that's the truth. There are people worse off than me and I do try to think of that. Sometimes I just try looking on the bright side but I always feel it at the back of my neck, breathing down. The voice that brings me back down to the ground face first and shows me how really empty I am.

Help.

Good Night

Read my lips and shut your face

Adventure

Holy shit it's been a while since I've been here. Mainly cause I've been so lazy to blog and any troubles I have are more or less put aside for now. In any case, there's been quite a lot that happened this past month or so but I'll just try to keep it short I guess.

Mount Kinabalu was a 3 day thing last month that was actually pretty uh.. different. I don't really say fun cos the actual climb was anything BUT fun. It was a REALLY good experience though. I kind of regret not training properly for the climb cos I think if I wasn't so tired, it would have been way more enjoyable. The climb up itself wasn't too bad actually, cos we were all still pretty fresh. The entire climb lasted about 2 days overall, both up and down. Started from base camp around 8am or so and climbed for about 6 hours before reaching the checkpoint lodge. Never been so happy to see a building in my life. I was grouped together with Shaun from 62nd and a few other guys. Had an early dinner and slept around like 8pm? Since we were supposed to wake up at 1.30am next day to start our summit attempt. Had to wake up midway cos I needed the toilet and fml couldn't sleep at all after that. The sergeant next to me had his phone off silent so whoever he was messaging kept sending shit and I couldn't get any shut eye at all. Add to the fact that my knee joints were aching like fuck from the upclimb and that was one of the worst nights I've had. Reported at 1.30 or so for the summit climb. Was pretty cold and the thin air was very noticeable. Idk how to explain it, but it's like taking a deep breath but still feeling short of air. Heart was pounding so hard while climbing haha. The top part was mostly barren rock and very slope-y, which was worse cos it meant using mostly my calf muscles when climbing, which tired me out faster. Had to take a huge amount of breaks and was climbing really slowly. 4 hours later managed to catch the sunrise just in time. And Holy. Shit. That was something that was really really mind-numbing. To look around and see yourself above the clouds. It was like seeing a sunrise from an airplane but you were outside the cabin. Feeling the wind and the sun on your face in all its glory. Fuck yeah Mother Nature. The downclimb was really the most gruelling. They weren't joking when they said it was more tiring than the upclimb. My knees and joints were so fucking sore all the way until the bottom. Felt like just cutting my legs off and be done with it. Worse still, I had a corn on the bottom of my foot that hurt like a BITCH and I could feel every step of the way. Oh wells, at least I didn't die on that mountain, so sayonara Kinabalu.

Christmas was pretty uneventful so I'll just skip that.

Next thing was GRAVICAL. Was really excited actually to see Akiyo Noguchi she's been one of my favourite world cup climbers cos even though she's shorter as an Asian you can see she puts in a LOT of effort during competitions. ASIA REPRESENT. That, and she's so cute as a person. Went down all 4 days to support the team and congrats to [Vincent: For finally becoming INTER WONG], [Xin: For getting finals in her first Inter comp. I was a very very proud mama], [RahRah Yeoh: For nearly promoting during the same finals as well. That was a helluva performance. Open is waiting for her arrival very soon]. Special mention to Ryan Tay who was beasting during qualifiers and just missed out on promotion, and also to soon-to-be-married Coach Nic who scored semi-finals in Open. Open finals was on Sunday evening and it was INTENSE. No one completed Route 1 for both male and female. Hazlee got a bonus on Route 1 and that was only cos he was tall (legit). The first top came for the females from LITING <3 p="">

The crowd went wild cos that was the first route that ANYONE had finished. She eventually won the entire thing together with Adriel, which made me a very happy fanboy. Overall, Gravical was a super great 4 days. My only regret is that the rest of the team wasn't there for it.

Speaking of the team, I miss them so so much. I miss the trainings. I miss taking 48 with them to Little India MRT. I miss waiting for goddamn Matthias every single time. I miss staying way too late after training still climbing with them. And miss how we'd finally go to eat, clearing NTUC of all their soya milk at the same time. I miss the mock comps, how the guys would cheer on the girls and vice versa. I miss so much. But everyone's moved on. All the girls have work and don't come to climb at all after that. Even Jasmine found work lol. And the rest of the guys are just MIA nowadays. It's just left with Jia Zhi, Chen Zhi, Haziq and me to hold the fort. Sometimes Vincent and Gabriel come but it'll never be the same. I look back on my insta and blog posts last year during farewell and realise how WISHFUL I sounded. Even though back then I knew, deep down that everything has to change. It's the only constant in this world after all. And it doesn't make me angry or sad I just feel so full of regret. That why forge something so strong only for everyone to just fade away like it was never there to begin with. Mannnnn

It doesn't help that I having lots of doubts about this issue now. I think it's just the same thing as always, even though I WANT it to be different. To be something that actually matters to me. But I know, anyhow. It's just a manifestation of my own feelings of inadequacy. That I do care is one thing, but to care in that manner. Meh.

Anyhoooo~ Going of to Krabi tomorrow and I still haven't packed. Kinda excited but nervous also. First time going overseas with just friends. Here's to not dying! LOL

Good Night

Time to do or die