Centipede

So here I am back in bunk waiting for the next week to end already.

Centipede finished last week and I'm just so glad it's over. Surprisingly, I didn't feel that sian at all during the 8 days over in that island. Probably because I was too shag to even feel sian at all. There was no such thing as "downtime" during those days, only rushing here and running there. Looking back now, I can hardly remember what happened mostly during those 8 days. It was basically mission after mission after mission with no end in sight. The first day of NavEx started off so horribly already and it kinda set the tone for the rest of Centipede. I think the worst part is that I can't even say that it was worth it convincingly. Staying 8 days in the middle of an island and sacrificing my weekend (and my birthday to boot) was not something I'd look back on and go "I'd do it again". Sure, I picked up some skills during the Exercise, but that was all. Skills like setting up an ambush or a firefight which I won't even use in the future. Lessons? Things I learnt about myself? All I can give you in regards to that is a blank stare. So much of it was just going through the motions to get myself off that island faster.

Which brings me to my next point. I hate it here. I'm tired of acting like the camaraderie makes this whole shit worth it. I'm tired of acting like I became "stronger" somehow by going through all this training. The only reason why I'm staying is because the people make it somewhat bearable. Sure, there's the occasional enjoyable activity like UO or the time to chill like movie night after Centipede. But those things are few and far between. I hold so little actual interest in the things I'm learning now. I have to force myself to go through and learn things that I normally would not care about, simply because I chose to be here in OCS. It's my choice, and to regret it will only make the 9 months feel longer than it actually is. I wish I was learning about flight systems again. I wish I was moving on to Pro Term now. I wish that I was being taught to use the RC flight simulator instead. That I'd be in the familiar feeling of a No.3. That I'd have a wing above my left pocket instead of having to march 24km just for my beret. It seems like I want the easy way out now, it really does. And to a certain extent, the desire is true. At the end of the day, nobody cares what you did. Nobody tells you you did a good job leopard crawling up a 5 storey knoll. Nobody pats you on the back for digging for four days without sleep. There's no reward given for staying in the forest for 8 days without seeing any of the outside world. In all these cases, the reward is just finishing the thing itself. At the end, people look at your rank and respect it, regardless of what you did to earn it. And even then, the rank itself holds no weight unless you actually prove it not just to the people under you, but to the people outside as well. But if there's one thing I've really learned from Army, it's to suck thumb.

The last few days, there's been a creeping realisation that maybe I need some actual help. I don't know if I've just brushed this off for too long or I'm just attributing this to an uncomfortable environment. It started so long ago and took a nosedive after I did something so incredibly stupid I can't believe what I was thinking in the first place. Even now I wallow in this pathetic delusion of hope that people change and people realise, but I'm all the proof I need that shows otherwise. Until now I still coop myself up on the computer instead of spending time with my mom and thanking her and THIS REGRET. I feel so guilty but the next week everything repeats itself. And now, I no longer have that luxury of spending a few truly happy hours once in a while simply because.

Because its gone.

Good Night

I can't work it out

How going through the motions

Prerogative

I think that it's actually nicer to be blogging from camp. Writing my thoughts down manually feels a lot more therapeutic, and its been a while since I actually hand-wrote anything. Admin time in camp gives you a lot of space for self-reflection, where there aren't many distractions.

And so to start off by continuing from my last post, I guess I'll dive into what I feel about servant leadership and what Fate/Zero has to say about it. As a personal opinion, I've always tended to follow a style of leadership in which I try to put myself on the level of those following me. To me, leadership is something that goes both ways. You can't lead empty spaces. I used to believe unequivocally that this was the best style of leadership. One where you help the men you lead to follow you better. But there are downsides to everything. Sometimes the way to lead is by blazing a trail forward by yourself. Sometimes you simply can't handle the burdens of every person you lead. Maybe a good leader needs to be envied instead of known intimately. To be higher, better, faster and stronger than everybody else. We see this in the talk in the garden between Gilgamesh, Saber and Rider. In F/Z, Saber is King Arthur (Arturia actually but that's according to the world lore) and Rider is Alexander the Great. Saber represents servant leadership in the way King Arthur focuses on helping his subjects and saving them, while Rider represents the opposite. Alexander the Great is the one who charges forward at the head of battle. He is the one people envy, and they strive to be like him. In this case, it allows him to have dedicated followers as well. And so maybe

Sometimes caring about others isn't the most important thing.

And I guess all I am now is nothing more than an afterthought. A product of a bygone year of youth and uncertainty. I know what's happening. Or at least, I knew what was going on. I feel it down in my gut. It's the same feeling I had when I noticed the hesitation before the answer, the downward shift in the eyes. It's the same feeling when I read the cries to no one in particular. And I ask myself, why am I so sentimental? I've kept every movie ticket since primary school for fucks sake. Why do I value things more than I should? When all it does is cause me anxiety and worry. Am I really that insecure in my own meaning that I have to find it in meaningless experiences and things? When you try to put value in everything, nothing stands out anymore. The 4 day holiday turned out to be so shitty simply because I had to sacrifice meeting people for other commitments. I remember talking to Jian Hui a time ago, and he said something I found very true. He never really saw me as belonging somewhere. All along I've kinda drifted here and there. I've tried to maintain relations with so many things that I can't handle it. Maybe I need to accept that sacrifices and prioritisation have to be made sometimes.

I'm starting to enjoy book ins simply because it lets me forget. I think I've finally found my solution. The solution was never mine to begin with. Sometimes the solution comes when you realise someone has to lose for someone else to gain. And that sometimes that's all the meaning and purpose you need. There were never any experiences. There was never any mythical golden apple you hoped existed. Just little memories and myths that might hopefully bring a hint of a smile. That following an idea can be just as good as the idea itself. I still mean it though. I know goodness.

Time to nut up or shut up

Good Night

A gift from a friend 



Okay I can see now it's all the same thing

Just different wrapping around it

Commitment

Did this while I had some admin time

Haven't written in a really long time (again). Was busy enjoying my 2 weeks of block leave after BMT. I think BMT, at the end of it all, wasn't quite what I expected. I went in thinking things would play out a certain way. But as with most other things, not everything goes according to plan. And that's what made it somewhat enjoyable. Because after everything, I wouldn't say BMT was fulfilling to me. Rather, it was something more of an experience. Thank God it was a fun one. Special shout out especially to Jone In and Roy (both in SCS now) for keeping my head on straight. It was nice having honest conversations and stupid jokes with you two. But there it is,

BMT's over.

At the start of OCS, it was sort of like a "now what?" Because I worked hard and set my goals, and now that I'm here...? And in here, there's this prevailing sense of dread. Because there's so much hardship ahead of you and all you can do is wait for it to hit you in the face. But I think it's getting better. As with things all things new, you'll find find a purpose to keep yourself moving, and sticking to what I said to myself before: To always move forward. Whether it's because of the man beside you, or someone on the outside you care about, or sometimes just because why the fuck not. On the bright side, have a familiar face in Barnabas as my buddy :)

On to non-Army stuff. I just finished Fate/Stay Night and Fate/Zero a couple of weeks back. It raises a lot of ideas that got me thinking, chief among them the concept of being a "Hero of Justice", and also servant leadership. In F/SN (Stay Night), the main character is Emiya. He chooses to follow the ideal of being a "Hero of Justice", even though many people call it out as hypocrisy or ridicule him as someone who only chooses an ideal but not achieving it. In other words, his naivete in choosing an impossible ideal. Human beings are selfish by nature, so the idea of sacrificing oneself for others conflicts inherently with how we are hard-wired. At the same time, how can you save many when you sacrifice yourself for the few?

 It's interesting because in Fate/Zero (the prequel), Emiya's dad pursues his own ideal of saving the world, but with the concept that the ends justify the means; the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. But no matter how hard the trials, at the end Emiya still decides to pursue his ideal, even when shown that it was foolish/completely wrong. The beauty of it all lies not in the ideal itself, but the act of pursuing it. The fortitude to chase and stand by what you believe in and want to be. That, in and of itself, is an ideal as well. And that's what I found endearing in F/SN. But oh well, I'll probably talk about F/Z another time.

What am I trying to achieve by longing?

To lead, to excel, to overcome.

Good Night

The weakness of losing things that can't be lost

Jealousy

I think, I've always been a person easily moved to jealousy. I don't ever recall actually thinking about this through seriously. But recent events have made me realise that yes, I am a person who easily feels jealous. About quite a number of things in fact. Like how I'm always jealous of people who get the spotlight, deserved or undeserved. I guess it boils down to the fact that I like to treat everyone equally, or at least I try to. So for some stupid reason, it irritates me when others start to place more attention on somebody. To be honest, most of the times said person actually deserves to be the center of attention. Maybe they did well in their exams, or managed to produce results in other areas. Maybe they gained a lot of respect for doing things normal people wouldn't. Or for treating others with kindness and consideration. Looking at it now, I really have no idea why I feel so much irritation when this happens. It's not to say that I want to attention for myself instead. On the contrary, I usually feel quite uneasy when any sort of spotlight is placed upon me. I mean yes it's nice to be recognised, but having large amounts of people place their attention on you has always unnerved me. Maybe it's just a tad bit of social anxiety. I do wish I could achieve what they did. I am jealous of what they have managed to accomplished. But envy of the attention is something that doesn't really apply in my case.

Or maybe I just want something I'm scared I may not have the chance to get again.

I've usually done what I'm supposed to do. When people told me to study, I gritted my teeth and forced myself to NLB everyday even though I hated every second of it, When people told me to follow the rules I did. I feel like I have a stick up my ass, as the saying goes. When I was told to be a good soldier, I tried. When people said that I'd cry during the mail run, I did. I guess to me, I try to find meaning in many meaningless things. Believing that living for just yourself is entirely unfulfilling, and so I try to do things for others instead. That following some set of expectations would lead me to some form of satisfaction.

Then why do I feel like this

Starting to change my mind about some things in army, but I'd rather not let it out here. It's exactly one more week to POP, which to be honest I'm half not looking forward to. BMT has honestly been pretty enjoyable, and the commanders have treated us really really well. If I go to command school, all this will just be a thing of the past. It's supposed to be a happy occasion.

But still disappointing.

Good Night

He said one day, you'll leave this world behind

So live a life you will remember

Musings

So...

Where do I begin 

It's been almost exactly a month and a week since I went in. And God knows how long since my last post. I think there's really too many things that have happened, so maybe I'll just go over the important bits. Been meaning to write something up but book outs have been... scarce. 

It's very easy to start feeling an overwhelming sense of depression or loneliness when you go in. I don't know, maybe it's something about the island. Or about what we do. It's not the people, no. The people are what allows you to keep a level head. It just dwells under the surface but you don't realise it because most of the day you're either going left right left or shouting out FIVE COUNTS OF FOUR. And then while it's admin time and you're sitting on your bunk, or you're just standing in line with  countless shaved heads waiting for your lunch, it hits you like a fucking truck. The overwhelming feeling of sian-ness. Of "why the fuck am I even here". And physically too. You stop talking all of a sudden, you sit down or lie down and shut the fuck up for a moment because right then and there you question everything. Because the only thing left in your possession is your ability to think for yourself. Nothing else belongs to you. Your bed, your friends, your seniors, your goddamn toilet paper. Your TIME. Everything goes back to, or comes from the Big Daddy sitting in his office at CMPB. 

Aiyo aiyo ai ai yo ah 

But then you start to remember, that just because you can't choose whether you want to do it or not, it doesn't mean you can't try your goddamn hardest. That even if they take everything away, you won't let them get the satisfaction of taking your fucking spirit as well. That you just fucking try, because as long as you're happy with yourself, then what the fuck right. That even when you think you have nothing left in the tank you can still keep the wheels turning. That when you can't feel your legs you still make that last 50m sprint. And that after this, you come out stronger. You grow. 

You fucking take that next step forward even if the goddamn floor is lava. 

I think next time I'll talk about the people. Keep things short and simple.

Somber reminder of mortality over the last week. First heard about the Sabah Quake while in camp and watching the news. To be somewhere so full of life and yet to experience something so fucked up is just.. you just can't really express it. And to be reminded that you were there just 6 months ago. Climbing the exact same mountain. In the same outhouse. It makes me infinitely more grateful to be where I am now. I just can't really say much about this. It's just a feeling of I guess, fear?

If you can miss nothing, then you never truly missed anything in the first place.

Good Night

Oh don't you dare look back 

Just keep your eyes on me