311211

This is probably the last post I'll make for the year. It doesn't really feel like the last day of 2011. Next thing I know it I'll be waking up at 6am and realising ''Omg, this is it. The first step on the road to O Levels'' It really feels like time flies too fast. And all I can look back on this year is with regret. I wish I had more time to set things right. I wish there was something or someone I could be happy about. I wish I had worked so much harder. I wish complacency didn't cost me that coveted dream. All wishes now, just futile dreams and regrets. What I could've done. What I didn't. What I wasted time on. The people I've hurt. The disappointments, of which there were many. And yet I can try to find solace in the good. Digging up those memories is like trying to carve stone with your hands. Too much regret, not enough appreciation? I found God. I found true friends. I've grown as a person, whether for good or for bad. I can try to take lessons from the past. I've been doing that all along, even if I wish I didn't have to do so.

4 months will fly by and POP will arrive. I think I dread that almost as much as O Levels. What I should've done better. Places I've screwed up. My fair share of disappointments in NCC. Friendships, idiots to hate, mentors... I don't think I've lived up to what you expected of me. I'm sorry, I really am. I know I should have done better. You would have. You might still think I'm a self-absorbed ingrate. This is my last apology to you.

And I'm actually looking forward to Sec 4. Kind of. I might even enjoy the studying. For once, external distractions will be minimised and I get to lose myself. I'm determined not to cheat myself this time. Sick of being told not good enough. Sick of the fear that I'll disappoint myself again. Not this time bitch.

And you. One of the few people I can count on in a world gone to hell. You helped me through the toughest shit I've gone through. But I can't help you if you put up walls. When it happened, you didn't tell anyone. I don't suppose that's bad, but just be careful you don't implode. Trust me, I know how you feel. The self-loathing will get you one day. It's gotten me faster than I thought. No one can run forever.

I don't mind if 21/12/2012 comes true. After all that I've done with my life, or lack thereof, I don't think it'll make much of a difference.

Good Night

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Ragnarok

I'm really bored so I'm blogging well... now. So I'm going to do random commentaries on random stuff.

Ugh... raining too much again lately.
So something I've been thinking about lately has somewhat to do with the Aaron Tan thingy. More specifically, Faded Holy Soldier. Although I've actually thought about it during the GE this year, I think I've only deigned to talk about it after seeing some stuff on FHS's video. Cos if you watched his third video, he starts criticising our government, and then on the comments there're Singaporeans who also rant off about the government. And first thing I realised among certain youths like myself is that they support the opposition just to defy the apparent status quo. Just to be different. Difference has started trends, especially in fashion. Just look at Gaga and the like. So yeah... they support the opposition just because its.. well.. the opposition. Without even knowing what the other side offers. I mean, granted, no government is perfect, and neither is ours. There's many things we can complain about it. But if you think and compare to other countries, I'd say we're doing rather well cos of our government. And before anyone accuses me of being brainwashed, PREASE, I'm being completely objective here. So I think Singaporeans should stop blindly complaining about our government. Want complain, go ahead, but make sure you get your facts right, and learn to appreciate the privilege we have in being Singaporean. Want to find something to complain about? Go to the Middle East or North Korea then, where ultimate censorship prevails and you're shot or jailed for complaining.

Which moves me on to my 2nd point, that Singaporeans complain too much. Since the SMRT incident, you see people raging left right and center. Anger and frustration is justifiable, but only up to a certain point. Post a status to rage, make fun of it... etc. That's as much as it goes. You don't have to keep complaining about it like SMRT is a piece of shit and life became 'so much worse'' because of the the breakdown. Yeah, SMRT screwed up, but get off their backs while they try to get their thing together. How is anyone from SMRT able to fix anything if they have to keep responding to public complaints? 1 screwed up incident does not a company's reputation make. Just look at their track record, it speaks for itself. And what's all the stuff about a petition for SPH to step down? In the first place, she's not directly in charge of maintainence and whatnot. Secondly, it's not like the entire system was compromised. So let her oversee the repairs, apologise to Singaporean commuters, and let's all get on with our lives. It's like if in a school one day, the water supply or gas supply suddenly screws up. You're not going to petition to get the principal removed right? So appreciate the generally seamless service SMRT has been giving us for the last few years and just stop hammering them like its the end of the world.

I keep wondering if I just destroyed something important..

Good Night

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Cannot make it

Gosh, I haven't blogged in like, over a week. If anything, I think I've been playing too much COD till quite late, so paisehhhh...

-.- Shouldn't have downloaded Temple Run on my dad's iPad. He plays it nearly everyday now..

I think my mind's cleared up enough for me to talk properly about this. And I don't know if you're going to read this, but I think both of you will.

To person number 1. Thanks for sending me that, even though I was kinda surprised also. And I guess I'm glad you did, cos it's troubled me before, and yeah, I sometimes do miss those times, even if they weren't the easiest, cos at least I knew I could count on you. Haiz, I wanted to wish you good luck for your Os, but I can't remember what I was preoccupied with. Sorry :P and I'm writing all this here because you know I'm not very good at talking directly to people lol. I know I should've tried harder also, but hey, at least you're not still trying to tear out my throat so yeah! Good luck, whatever JC you go to.

And I think I should be apologising to someone else. Although I feel strangely calm right now. I've still been thinking still, and I'll just add on that: I'm not ready. I'm sorry. And I'll never be good enough. I've disappointed more people than you think. Trust me, I'm not worth the time and effort. But I've already said a lot, so I'll just stop here.

Haiz, tmr supposed to have SSC platoon outing, land up so little people can make it. I think OBS was much nicer though.. more days, plus there really was time to bond, so yeah, I'm actually looking forward to the gathering (At Daryn's house, I think? Lol, he's a really... amusing person)

Aghh noo.. I wanna follow New Girl, especially cos Zooey Deschanel is totally adorable. But I always land up forgetting *facepalm* and not like I torrent also enough time to watch..

Soooo not looking forward to Sec 4. And I STILL haven't bought my books. *headbang*

Good Night

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Present

Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

It's getting kind of hard to do that, to appreciate ''now''. I keep thinking of what I'm going to do, what'll happen, and what if things don't go how I'd like it to.

Yesterday too tired to blog about the 61st POP, so here it is.

I think the fact that there was a screw up even before I entered HQ was already a foreshadow of the actual thing. The NSF gave me the female top -.- I pin all the buttons then realise ''eh wtf? Why no pocket'' So I chionged to HQ to faster change the top. Change already still got some time so I went to see the 11th PDS AI.. apparently both of my guys failed T.T But lucky Friday had retest, but only Jacob passed. Feel damn sad for Kenneth.. so after that went to draw items. First rehearsals went ok bah. But SM caught my hair, so that night I had to book out to go cut it. Nearest place was AMKHub. My hair is frigging short now -.- when I got back they prepping to go out buy food, so they jio me follow. In the end everyone buy so much food, next day also cannot finish. Next day wake up already, rehearsal started around the stated time. But that morning was damn hot, and the 61st already had pre-training, so during the rehearsals alot of them fell out. After that rehearsal, boom, everything haywire. No instructions, ended up stoning for hours. Halfway through the next rehearsal, Cat 1, whoom, everyone faster zao. In the end total only 3 rehearsals. Actual thing went ok for the parade. Managed to find Daniel, Ying Wei and Li Xin. Kinda stupid that none of them are even from my unit. I still can't get over the fact that AGAIN, we have no CLTs. Wonderful.

Now onto rage mode about the other conducting spec. Like, WTF MAN. WTF. During rehearsal screw up, nvm. Cannot shout, nvm. Missing right up to the rehearsal, nvm. But she still can tell me to do what. I say nvm, I watch you to start. ''Ok'', she says. Actual thing, march past starting already, still DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SHIT SHE'S DOING. OMG man, I seriously pity Luqman. Blur as don't know what, and NO ONE could bloody hear her. Luqman could do it 10 freaking times better. Haiz..

At least the syndicate performances were good.

Felt like a complete retard after the parade. Why ask, man?

I wonder who would watch my COC POP, if I got in. No one comes to mind.

To top it off, I have a bad feeling about next year's AAWC. The new DC... *shudders*

Next year promises to be a grim one. Hooray.

Good Night

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Confirmation Camp

And oh, I'm running to Your arms~~

Gosh, the weather right now is so nice I could just asleep halfway.

I have Forever Reign stuck in my head. Awesome.

ANYWAYS, I think it really was meant for me to go for confi camp. After I missed out on both Pearce and the dining in I was like: if I missed those, confi camp better be frigging awesome. And it was! Haha :D I was thinking wah, if I so suay just to go for the full camp, confirm is other People working. And right now I really believe that everything has a balance. You can have nothing, but somehow or other, you will gain everything else.

So like first day, I arrived slightly earlier than the rest. Then I was stoning outside the retreat house wondering how camp would go. So after everyone else arrived, sort out into group then more or less the normal intro stuff. I was with Edmund, Ryan, Chris, Raya and Annabelle. Chessina (I think that's how you spell?) was supposed to be in my group, but I heard alot of Lourdes people pon, so I guess she was one of them. So Chris Sim landed up in my group. Starting was kinda awkward cos Fernando was kinda nervous also. The other 2 facils Greg and Zoa weren't there yet cos they had school. Then Brother Jude gave his talk. In between got a lot of P&W sessions also. That night was like a preview of day 2, with all the intense praying and stuff. Next day we had games and all, which was superhappyfuntime. Especially the water bomb! And the broken telephone was damn epic. The first one was ''Brother Jude'', then everyone kept pointing to Greg, and the letter ''I'' on his t-shirt *facepalm* Almost no link. So after that we had confession.. I thought it would be more meaningful, but the priest was... haiz... just say all the normal stuff, so the confession felt very ''normal''. AND THEN, we had the night session. Everyone was kinda nervous and scared, cos the facils were all like hardcore preparing for it. Once the thing started, I kinda made up my mind beforehand actually. So after my turn, I was like ''whoah''.. then I look around and saw Tan crying. In my mind I heard someone say ''It's ok. See? Even Tan also'' and I think that's the point where everything came out. All the stuff I've been bottling up the last few months, all the shit that's happened recently, the confusion.. I think it was the first time I've cried about something happy. Actually not happy. It was more like... overwhelmed.

Haiz.. (I just realised I'm saying ''haiz'' more). Then I saw an ant on the carpet, so I picked it up and named it Bruce. Just because I felt like it.

So after that we had some testimonies. I'm not saying mine here. But it was at that point that I finally realised that everything happens for a reason. As in REALLY understood it. And I find it kind of funny that Christiane was also in a similar situation. Like she also applied to go overseas, but also didn't get in.

I guess all along in matters about Catholicism, I've always known ''I should do this'' or ''I should do that'' but never really got the guts. Cos I was scared people would think stuff about me. Like ''since when Jon Chew like that one O.o'' haha. But there, you find that it doesn't really matter at all.

Gosh, I wish I could just live in the retreat house for like, FOREVER. And just forget the outside world. And have P&W everyday! Haha.

I seriously hope I can maintain this. I think facilitating next year's camp sounds good. I have a feeling this is the start of something awesome in SBC.

PG!

Good Night.

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