If only I could make it to isolation for Novice finals in Pumpfest next week haha, but not what I'm talking about.
I guess it's hard to stay in a landscape as flat as the Fenlands (heh). And only now do I realise why books like Waterland and Larkin's poetry appeal to so many people. Because it articulates what we can't. It puts into words all these conflicting emotions that hound us inside so we can actually make sense of something in this fucking place. Because at some point in time you begin to feel the bleakness of everything. Haha god this is so embarrassing but I don't care. You try to feel happy about a lot of things and for the moment you are, but then while you're in that mood you see the happiness of others and for some reason.... sheesh. I'm angry at myself for getting angry at this and it sucks it sucks it sucks. This self-awareness of why I do and think they way I do is so irritating. Yet if I had a choice I would still choose this self-awareness. Maybe. It's so easy to be blissfully ignorant yet that's just the easy way out innit. And this feeling of inferiority(?). I don't know, I don't think it is. But it's the same as what, 3 years ago? The feeling of being finally acknowledged when people put you as someone to poke (This doesn't make sense but who cares). And just only now when all of a sudden there's the blaring of a horn and you can see the smoke, you feel like maybe you're actually starting to feel something. Tch, I know that's just me trying to tell myself that there is something worth going after, when in fact it's just this
Getting started early on this post because I know I'm going to procrastinate later.
Well school's out and I do feel relieved, which fucking scares me. I should be shitting my pants because now I'm supposed to be moving into a library, setting up a tent and studying like it's going to save my miserable life. But I'm not afraid now, and it almost seems as if I can't even give a shit about school now. Then again, maybe I'm just glad that I don't have to tolerate Alex Lum's shit anymore. Oh Alex Lum, my dearest and most favourite teacher, who I have to see 2 times a week, including a 2 hour stretch on Wednesday. I swear, it was getting better. He actually noticed me trying, until BAM parent teacher meeting. Now he won't get off my fucking back about me playing games. Relavant GIF I really don't understand him. I'm trying, I really am, but his fucking passive aggressiveness makes me want to punch a puppy in the mouth. I swear the only reason why he says stuff is so that he can tell you "I told you so" later on.
I've been through the desert on a horse with no name
Plus now I'm finding out how much of a bitch I am. Can't believe I tolerated your shit for so fucking long. Maybe I'm just overthinking, but then again everyone's the same. You're just as insecure as everyone else, you just mask it behind this air of knowing what you want. And even as much as you call out others on their hypocrisy, you're one of them too. This license you give yourself to rag on people infuriates me, but I can't call you out because then you'll just rant on. And the saddest part is that you're just nice to the people who're like you (in a sense), and everyone thinks your shenanigans are hilarious just because you don't conform to everyone. But being obnoxious includes every kind of person, and I found that out when you became bored once. I really do think I'm overthinking this, because hey I've known you for relatively long. But it still makes me feel like shit sometimes because I'm like a punching bag. Shishhh, and I know even after I've figured this out, I'll just continue putting myself under your thumb because I'd feel bad.
Whatever
Feel like I have some closure now though. Kinda recognise some awkardness after that time, but maybe just cause nothing's happened in between for so long. Feel more comfortable now I think, since I've moved past it.
On the bright side, I finally have a new blog to read :)
Been a while since the last post again, but at the least I'm keeping up with it (kinda).
Been pretty busy still the last few weeks. ClimbX was last Saturday too. Was pretty mixed feelings about it. Kinda happy that I managed to get into the finals considering the little training I had before it, but kinda knew I could have done better for the first route. So yeah, tied for 4th in the end but dropped to 5th because my qualifiers weren't good. Still glad I got the chance to go though, and overall I think it was a good experience.
I think posting bout happenings pretty stale lately. It seems almost as if it was just filling up the blank space for the sake of just a way to BE. Finished watching Neon Genesis Evangelion and I'm getting lots of weird existentialist shit running through my mind now, and Godot isn't helping. But I realised that, isn't this why I'm doing this blog anyway? As an affirmation to the fact that I exist? That at some point in time a person sat inf front of his computer typing away like a dumbass for something almost no one reads anyway? Because what happens if nothing happens to me. What if I just go by unnoticed. Because that's what drives people doesn't it. To feel like you made an impact on this reality, that someone somewhere cares enough about you. And what if this doesn't happen? It's almost as if you were never here at all.
And this sucks.
I feel like everything's going back to last year. The only thing keeping me from that is climbing, now that I've found something to replace the passion I lost. But then again isn't this just a mere distraction, because what do I really want? The worst part is I can't delude myself because I KNOW why I'm thinking and acting this way. I can't tell myself omg I really care, because I know all it is is dependence. Just looking for anything to reaffirm myself that I actually mean something. And it's worse because everything seems like I have a reason to be this way and it'd be so easy to just act like it, but I can't bring myself to do that because it won't end well. So now all I can do is sit and feel and then tell myself to fucking stop because thinking now doesn't help anything.
NSSCC is over and have a lot to say about it but I'm a bit lazy :3
In short, NSSCC has been one of the most stressful but meaningful experiences of my life so far. Been an intense one month filled with ups and downs, emotionally taxing yet so... fulfilling. It's been a long time since I felt like the words I use were inadequate to describe something but this is one of those times. Practically living in Onsight as we trained our asses off, going there almost every other day. Fretting over the Gri-gri and other stuff, naming our favourite staff member (SS *coughcough*). Matthias always being the one who kena some incident, the numerous scrapes and cuts on our knees especially, and trying so hard to cut down our timings. The feeling of elation when we broke our personal bests, learning from the very best Judith senpai, and so much other stuff I can't remember it all here. But in the end, it felt like it was WORTH something, because we weren't just stronger physically, but it drew us that much closer together. For that moment we were our own little family and I care so much not just for them but for the entire team as well. I wish we had one, two more years together but life moves on. I just never want to leave these people.
As for the actual competition, it was supposed to be on Sunday in the afternoon. We were supposed to start at around 2pm. But everything got delayed and the SMF took so damn long that the speed wall was only up around 6pm. Delay a bit more and the actual climbs only started around closer to 7pm. Then it started raining and it had to be postponed. Was really really irritated because of the terrible organising by the SMF. Oh forgot to mention that our lead teams did damn well :D Had 2 girls (Sarah and Shantel) and 4 guys (Jia Zhi, Gabe, Hubert and Haziq) in the finals, which was better than all the other schools. Finals on Sunday morning went pretty well also, with Sarah getting 3rd and Shantel did quite well too. Guys was really exciting because frickin Jia Zhi kept nearly screwing up but I swear it was his mental that kept him holding on for so long. In the end he managed to top the final route and secure 3rd place. Gabe and Haziq got 4th and 5th respectively. Overall, it was one of the best showings by the team in the last few years. Ah well, speed got moved to the Saturday that week in the end. Managed to get a shot on the actual wall on Friday and was pleasantly surprised to find out that it was actually almost exactly the same as Onsight's. Stayed over at Jasmine's house with Yi Xin that day :P Actual day rolls around and we were all pretty psyched up for the comp. Saw Emmanuel and David climb for their own finals and they're both pretty sick themselves. When A Divs was up all of us managed to get into the top 16. Had a good first run timing of 12.5s so was pretty happy with that. Turned out it helped a lot because I slipped in the 2nd qualifying run. (Annoyed and distracted that the belayer was belaying so damn loose). Top 16 round, was up against this MJC climber, wasn't too much of a problem. Top 8 round was so scary, because I was going against this SRJC guy whose timings were really close to mine. Slipped badly at the start of the ladder, but thank God so did he. Managed to recover fast enough and keep pace with him before pulling away at the last 2 moves. Was so happy just screaming out after securing myself in the Top 4. Went up against Vincent and lost (obviously haha) and went down to the loser's bracket for 3rd/4th placing. Faced another SR climber, Ryan, who was really good. Wellplayed to him, and I fell near the end too so lost to him. But all in all I prayed that I would leave the place happy and I did:) Was just so happy for the chance to prove and redeem myself. I said I would not fuck this up and I'm just glad I didn't. In the end though, Vincent lost to Gavin by a small margin, taking 2nd place, and both our Boy's and Girl's team took 2nd place overall because of the scoring system.
I think I might just shed some man tears when farewell shows its ugly face, but that's for another time. Just grateful and glad for this opportunity to be part of this fucking awesome team. A year ago I believed that I didn't make it into ODAC for a reason, and this just proved everything right :) Going to relive these moments for years to come.
So many things have happened in the interval since and I don't really know where to begin but I'll start with the biggest thing since the last post: post-CTs
I guess this is the first time a result has really confused me. Now that I think of it, maybe I was just overconfident about it, which is why I screwed up so badly. Btw it's Math that I'm talking about :/ Got a damn 36 for it then brought down to 34 because I didn't do the online assignment aish. So that means an overall S. If not for Math I'd actually be pretty happy with the rest of CT1. Maybe Physics too. Cos I got a C for Physics which I was pretty okay about then found out 60% of the level got A LOL so my Physics percentile is about 20% now saddddd. On the other hand, pretty happy with GP. Got the highest in class with a B and about 93rd percentile so yay for some good news. Lit was pretty okay as well, just nice got a C, with 14/25 for all my essays. On bright side at least it shows consistency, just need to improve generally and hopefully secure a B by the time prelims swings around. OH happiest news (kinda) from this whole shit fest so far is that I finally passed Econs LOL. Scrapped through with an E, and it was kinda promising cos I actually screwed up in the essay and case studies. Think I managed to learn quite a bit from my past mistakes, so now I just gotta not be overconfident and continue to try and improve. I guess all in all, CT1s has been quite an eye opener. Learnt to have a better mentality, but also providing some encouragement. Here's to the rest of the academic year :)
Wanted to post a lot more about climbing and training for NSSCC but it's late so I'll continue in another post
