Spiralling

In the anime Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, the spiral symbol is used in the form of a drill. It represents the perseverance of mankind, and is partially shown in the shape of our DNA as well. As with all things though, it has its own downside in meanings. "Spiralling into madness/depression"/"spiralling into chaos" etc.

Long bus rides (alone) are the worst.

Spent the weekend in Malaysia with the climbers. Went to KL to experience "Asia's largest indoor gym" and I guess it kinda lives up to the name? Camp 5 was pretty great, although it was only a short trip for me. Currently on course so I couldn't take leave to extend the trip with the rest. I wonder what it is that makes me feel so happy with them. Maybe it's just because I can be myself. Cliche as that sounds, it does seem to answer the question. At the end of the day, I'm just a goofball that wants to do stupid shit, and they're perfectly okay with it. Thank you God for sending me their way, because I don't know what I'd do without them.

As mentioned, I had to leave KL yesterday afternoon. As it turns out, that was the exact same plan of probably half the damn city. Bus was delayed by about 1.5 hours so I spent some of it chatting with the ah pek and another guy who were also due for SG. Thankfully the bus ride was pretty short all things considered. Hit the checkpoint in about 5 hours, though it took me another 2-3 hours to actually clear customs.

I think it's, the thinking that gets to you first. A perverse oscillation between mind-numbing boredom and the accumulation of negative thoughts that hits you all at once at its peak, like a fistful of sadness and loneliness. Theres only so much of the scenery that can change. Only so many rest stops to get off at and wash your face. To watch the sky grow darker without seeing the sun set at all, that sometimes the end is just the end, and that not everybody gets to see its beauty. And I realise the sick complacency and assumption that I was viewed in a certain way, that what I was considering was for other people's good rather than what was in fact my own interests. That spiralling into this state of mind was a result of some underlying issues that I've never wanted to acknowledge. In some way, it still holds true that it isn't fair, but in this case I guess the party in question is probably not me.

Nice.

Good Night

Picture it now, down the road

Oh just say the word and I'll go

Done

I think I managed to get a lot off my chest yesterday.

Also, I think this has been the longest hiatus I've had in a while. Moving on.

Finally done with OCS. Like, fur realzies. Entering 9 months ago feels like a dream to me now. I get shivers and spasms and want to scream "DON'T DO IT". Just kidding. (I think). Busybee me has spent the last 3 weeks before commissioning rotting away once again in SAFTI. Someone needs to get the WOSPEC mess proper handphone coverage, because 95% of the time the signal was pretty SHIT. You can only imagine my pain when I turn on my data only to see my phone display drop from 4G to 3G to H+ to H to finally... a G. I'd rather have a G-string thank you very much. That's an inappropriate joke but I'm just gonna leave it here. BECAUSE I CAN.


























Also MSD if you're reading this just text me quietly to remove the joke and I will. (That's the Military Security Department if anyone's wondering). ON TO POSTINGS!

So from today (actually last Saturday) I am now officially the Artillery Institute Mortar Instructor for the rest of my NS liability. Yay...? I'm still kinda conflicted on how to feel about it. From the start I've always hoped to be in a command position, not instructional. I had (have) so little faith in my current batch of upperstudies that I told myself I wouldn't want to join them. Well here the fuck I am. I think this is what they call sweet poetic justice. Oh well at least I apparently have a good life as a mortar instructor yknow. Mostly stay out, no need go overseas, plus Khatib is so close to my house. I'm planning to cycle to Khatib every other day if I can. I'd like to give a special shout out this time to Leonard my 2nd fish (the joke only works with 2) and Wen Jie who I'm proud to say stopped being a callous bastard and grew into a much more charming callous motherfucker, God bless his soul. The 2 people who accompanied me to Khatib as part of Platoon 3 Section 2. Special mention also to BARNY MY VERY OWN MINI-DINO who is the only one retarded enough to follow me on my self-assigned Urban Ops missions to clear our bunk areas. YES.

That's about it. I hope Comms Ball this week goes fine please please please I'd like to feel really happy again.

Good Night

And my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound, 

I was lost til I heard the drums and I found my way

120mm

The calibre of a standard mortar bomb.

So the first post of 2016 has the honour of arriving late, and even then long overdue from the last one. It's not to say I had no time do it, but rather I lacked the emotional energy or motivation to actually express myself again. It seems like ever since coming to Arty, things have started on this downward spiral again, and things have started to blur together or switch positions all together. For a significant portion of my time in NS, it was the people that kept me moving forward. Over here I fucking hate the guts of so many people, and the thing I found joy in most was actually the training. Tiring as it may have been sometimes, it was exactly what I was looking for. I was entirely willing to pour myself into the formulas, the memorisation, the calculations. I loved it, because it gave me some validation to my choice of going to Artillery. At the end of what's happened so far, I was told that I was actually doing well in the course. It occurred to me that I could set a higher goal for myself rather than simply commissioning. And when everything seemed to look up for once in a long while,

I fell short again.

I don't even know what to feel now, because everything just seems to conflict so much. Intense disappointment mixed with this burning desire to prove something to he didn't choose. Now the prospect of having to lead 29 other people Infantry style seems more daunting than ever. But at the same time, this is sort of what I wanted isn't it? It all just boils down to whether the sacrifices are going to be worth it. A lot of it has just been whittled down to me not trying hard enough, and I'm done with that. You can either simply let things happen, or you can make things happen. Sometimes the way to be happy employs to latter. "Do not go gentle into that good night; rage, rage against the dying of the light". 2LT Darren said this to Denzyl the other day, that if he was going to choose to be an FO, then he better be a damn good one. To me, I'd take these words further. Coming to mortar was still a choice. My choice. Whatever the challenges are up ahead, if I'm going to be a mortar PC,

I better be a damn good one.

Good Night

And I know she'll be the death of me

At least we'll both be numb

Salvador

Do you know what Salvador means?

And do you know what regret is too? Regret isn't just about doing something you shouldn't have. Most of the time, if not, it's not doing something you should've. Which usually brings you to the question. Is "should" the right word? Should you have done it? Or maybe was just keeping quiet the right choice. Laying out what you really wanted to say but just, backspacing everything and typing something inane, useless. Something that holds no meaning just so that maybe somewhere down along the line, the opposite might happen to swing by instead. And you get used to this. This is what failure feels like.

I realise that in the great changes in my life, I always expected some grandiose self-growth or improvement to go along with it. And yet as with everything, it regresses to the mean. I learn to settle with mediocrity. Doesn't everyone want to be special? Don't they? I'm not even sure now. Why do some people just seem to have things figured out? And I become used to this state of being the same person I was years ago. Having experiences which fail to change anything. That deep down I'm still just as afraid, only of different things now. Still wondering if I can amount to anything, to anyone. And how I don't even make the effort to try and get away from this shadow of a person that lives not under my feet but everywhere but. Because all I can do when I'm troubled is write. And write. And write because pixels on a screen always save the day don't they.

Because all of a sudden when I was full of hope and optimism for what lay in store it almost seemed as if what I imagined I could be was slowly unfolding (even though I knew I fucking KNEW) and I chased the empty shell of a dream from a long distant night ago. And when I found what I did (I expected it anyway) what use was hope then if it wasn't just denial?

Good Night

So you can keep me

Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

Stitches

Goodness, another eternity since the last one.

A lot's happened since the last time I posted. Scorpion King, Social Night, lotsa other things that happened for NS. But right now I don't feel like talking about all that.

The recurring feeling of helplessness is something I have yet to be accustomed to. I keep hearing about all the goddamn fuckshit going around and yet I can do absolutely nothing. And now I have this other issue to deal with because GODDAMN if it doesn't feel like shit being this way. I was saying this to Jasmine the other day on the bus back too. It's like when you're younger, you always tend to have expectations of older people. You think adults have the world figured out, that they always know the right answer to the right questions. How everything seems to fall in place so easily. As life progresses on, you start to realise that in time, you have to fulfill these expectations as well. What seemed like an oxymoronic childish maturity becomes something you think you need to achieve as well. Things like getting your university place (which you're supposed to have dreamed of getting your whole life), or your first love (which you're supposed to have wanted to find your whole life and everything clicked), or your first job (which you're so happy and contented with!) or maybe even something like your own social life (look at how many friends I'm supposed to be "family" with). And slowly, slowly you'd start to realise that at a certain point maybe it's not because you can't be half-assed to do these things. Maybe, just maybe, the problem lies with you.

And that was honestly a great night simply because of the company (heh geddit). It was also then that I realised maybe there might be something I could hold on to.

Good Night

 Tripping over myself

Aching, begging you to come help