I know this feeling Know what?
That you're jealous Yeah, I know too. It's funny, cos it's over something I can't change
Then what's the point There isn't one. I wish I could do something about it but I can't, and it eats me away seeing it.
Some people just naturally get more than others Yeah, luck of the natural lottery isn't it
I was hoping that some time during that period I'd done what I planned to do and speak out about it. But I couldn't because I realised that there was no inherent point to it, or at least, the reason was disingenuous. I knew that, all it was supposed to accomplish was to draw attention to myself, to make it seem like I was important. What a joke. Even if I haven't completely made my peace with it, I don't think talking about it would have changed anything.
Which brings me to the next thing. I'm not exactly sure at which point it changed from something I viewed as my future to something I see as my past now. What I do know is that it took many forms over the last few years, morphing mostly into something I never wanted to deal with. A mixture of stupidity, regret and waning care. Trying to force something constant, and at this point I do think I'm past a certain point. Right now it just feels as something wasted. Not what I initially was aiming for, but at least something I would've definitely been happy with.
I don't want to have hope for the coming months, because what goes up must ultimately come down. So I guess ambivalence seems to be the right stance right now. No expectation, just the focus to do right by myself.
And to be honest, I don't really feel like talking that much about it. It's like the last 2 whole years of my life, all I've ever cared about was the day I finally ORD-ed, and now that I've finally reached it, I don't wanna waste energy on it any more. It feels a little odd that, before NS I had so many pre-conceived notions of what it would be like, and now that I'm out of it almost all of them have changed in one way or another. I think there's quite a few people that I'd like to give a shout out to though.
First of all, the people from Section 4, Platoon 3, Eagle Company 01/15. They were the ones who helped me adjust so quickly to army life, and who always managed to make me smile everyday from one silly shenanigan or another.
Next up the one and only Sierra Platoon 3 Section 2, who made something as crazy as Service Term actually super fun. Always think back fondly on all our crazy firefights in Centipede, how great yall were to me during my RCP, and also Sentosa! Special shout out to Barny, you're the best buddy anyone can ask for.
Not particularly fond of my time during Pro Term in AI, but special notes to Franklin, Nicholas and Ming Shi for having bitching sessions with me while others went for nights out. Also Arun for geeking out over Star Wars with me :P
Still a few others left, but you guys know who you are.
I guess I don't really have much for this post, just wanted to get something out before the Krabi Trip tomorrow.
So Gravical was 2 weeks ago but I've only now gotten around to doing a post on it. I titled this post Witness because in Mad Max Fury Road the warboys would shout this before doing something that would most likely martyr them. Recently I've been using this line as a sort of joke before I attempted a difficult route that I had trouble with.
A response to this line, however, is "Mediocre", shouted in condescension and disappointment in the failure of said action. Which is more or less what Gravical was. Mediocre. If you'd ask my opinion, at the expense of sounding salty I would say that this year's Gravical was set super poorly. The wall was too short for one. Another thing is that I felt the style of routes were really homogeneous. Route 1 was the only route which differed mostly in style. Routes 2 and 3 were only slight deviations of the last 3 routes, which were 4 to 6. Jump slopers formed the crux of routes 4 to 6, with little variation in possible beta. Which was a nightmare for me, dynamic slopers being my absolute weakness. Reflecting on this, I think that Gravical served instead as a harsh reminder not to be complacent, and that I cannot simply ignore certain aspects in my training.
The Tops
Route 1 was basically crimp city, my favourite lol
Route 2 had a tricky slope start into a shoulder move, but I love shoulder moves.
Route 3 was mostly pinches with a high reach near the end. Nearly fell but the flash here gave me good confidence going into the previous 2 routes.
The Drops
Route 4 will give me nightmares for the next few months. Couldn't find a way to reliably stick the heel AND the jump. Should've tried changing beta but was too stubborn in the moment.
Route 5 had a really fun start which I was confident of doing. The problem came afterwards with the outward sloper hold, just couldn't stick it.
Route 6, I don't have a video for it, but the key move was a sideways jump into a sloper pinch. Super shitty, couldn't stick it.
Looking through my videos, I feel that I climb was too stubbornly during comps, and I'm too afraid to change up my beta midway through. I probably need to work on some creativity/courage to use an attempt up to try and find another way around.
Over.
Recently finished watching the first season of Westworld, but I'll probably save that for my next post. Super good show.
I want to look back on 2016 as a good year but then I sorta realise that, well, I can't really remember it all. So what did I do with my life? As expected, NS took up a large portion of it, the high point being commissioning I guess. I don't think I'll forget that moment on the parade square, throwing the peak cap and then pumping my fist. No hugs, no laughter, just a simple "COME ON" and the relief that it was over. Relief. 8 Months later and here I am, with ORD in sight. I think my reaction after the peak cap throw is a little telling. I was never one to immediately turn to friends, and maybe it's coming to bite me in the back nowadays.
(I actually typed a whole other paragraph after this one but deleted it because trying to pretend that I want to make normal posts is just not me)
There's a reason why I hate evenings spent in Army the most. It is at that point that I've always felt at my lowest. Sometimes just scrolling through Instagram/Twitter, other times when I'm glad that I have something to keep my mind occupied. As the sun sets and you feel things start to fade. The shadows cast by the trees start to grow longer until it feels like it's suffocating you, both outside and inside. And it's that perpetual creeping into you, the pangs. The sky mirroring what's been inside you all along but in the day you bring out the moon inside you and pretend it's the goddamn sun, because a moonlit night is better than no moon at all. And you try to angle it so nothing casts a shadow but when you see with your eyes that evening always comes, that's when you give in to it. And for a moment it's spectacularly beautiful, the sunset. You try to push away what you hate so much about yourself to just feel nothing except appreciation. And it works, for a while at least. Once night comes though, you steel yourself because the moment of hope and looking forward is over, and you face the reality of it all. And the cycle resets when you go to sleep.
They say that cherry blossoms fall at 5 centimeters per second.
I wonder what's worse, that I used to care so much, or that it was never cared about in the first place. In years past I used to make an effort. Something simple at least. To show that I still had respect and appreciation. But sometimes you're just a cherry blossom, and that 5 centimeters per second adds up everyday, and after a while you're so far from where you started, looking up from the ground, wondering if you'll ever get back up.
I initially started off writing this post by saying "Man so much has happened since the last post" until I realised that, well, that isn't true. I wonder how I should feel about that.
Also, that first paragraph was written 2 weeks ago from the rest of this post. Shows how much I've been procrastinating. I titled this post this post Dividing because I was thinking on something that's actually really obvious but has only become apparent to me now. That in the earlier years everyone has more time to spare, and so we manage to commit to many different things. We join 2, or 3 CCAs. We try to be both the Student Council President and the head of the CCA. We devote 4 months of Saturdays to a single night's performance. We put ourselves out there because to us the world is full of possibilities. We stretch what we can do because we love what we do and want to put everything into it. That it's possible to build the future that you've wanted. And then suddenly, there's not a lot of time anymore. You start going home when it's dark. You stay back in the canteen after school not because you want to but because the exams are coming up and you had terrible results previously so even though you hate it and you regret so so much there's no alternative so you grit everything and take out the books and pretend to make an effort. And of course that's not enough. Then you get the letter and before you even realise what's going on you're on a ferry. And now you don't start going home when the sun's already set. In fact, you don't get to go home at all. You resolve to give meaning to what you do and you try. You actually put in effort for once because god damn it you're not completely useless. And the illusion wears off, that it's not all you made it out to be. That nobody actually gives a shit, and you're one of them. That you're just selfish. And that you wait everyday for 5.30 to fuck off pang gang. And now,
Now there's no time left to divide at all.
I also now realise that all it was, on either end, was a slightly less temporary solution for a longer problem. To call it a facade would be disingenuous. It was more of a mutual self-deception. And when the slightly more permanent solution appeared, well what do you think happens to plasters after the cut no longer hurts. I finally understand their dynamic now, once I got the whole picture. Maybe I'd use them as a case study for future reference, so at least I won't be disappointed by either party should the same situation occur again.
I went to watch Your Name today with Timo and Jia Zhi, and it's easily one of my favourite movies. Thinking back on it, I can actually nitpick a few things that led to the movie falling short from perfect, it really was close. Yet at the end of it all I still enjoyed immensely. I think I'm really just a sucker for these kinds of movies. Not romance no, I've never really been one for that. But the struggle against fate. That you can find your happiness and fight for it. That even if takes days, months of years eventually it comes to you. The dream of it all. That coming of age is some beautiful and full of possibility. The movie was incredible on almost every single account. The story was pretty good, the visuals perfect, the soundtrack fit like a glove, and the characters were everything you'd hope to be. If there was any complaint I had it would be that the ending could have been so much more satisfying, but it still gave the closure I wanted from this movie, and that alone indicated how invested I was into it. I think the only movie apart from this to have given me this kind of wistful feeling is 3 Idiots, and in retrospect both have pretty similar endings. If anyone is reading this and hasn't watched it I strongly recommend changing that.
More and more I begin to feel both hopeful yet doubtful for the coming year, because I'm starting to put more and more expectations into it. But then again, it's not like this hasn't disappointed me before.
Good Night
Ah ah ah, well we're pouring gasoline,
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
