311211

This is probably the last post I'll make for the year. It doesn't really feel like the last day of 2011. Next thing I know it I'll be waking up at 6am and realising ''Omg, this is it. The first step on the road to O Levels'' It really feels like time flies too fast. And all I can look back on this year is with regret. I wish I had more time to set things right. I wish there was something or someone I could be happy about. I wish I had worked so much harder. I wish complacency didn't cost me that coveted dream. All wishes now, just futile dreams and regrets. What I could've done. What I didn't. What I wasted time on. The people I've hurt. The disappointments, of which there were many. And yet I can try to find solace in the good. Digging up those memories is like trying to carve stone with your hands. Too much regret, not enough appreciation? I found God. I found true friends. I've grown as a person, whether for good or for bad. I can try to take lessons from the past. I've been doing that all along, even if I wish I didn't have to do so.

4 months will fly by and POP will arrive. I think I dread that almost as much as O Levels. What I should've done better. Places I've screwed up. My fair share of disappointments in NCC. Friendships, idiots to hate, mentors... I don't think I've lived up to what you expected of me. I'm sorry, I really am. I know I should have done better. You would have. You might still think I'm a self-absorbed ingrate. This is my last apology to you.

And I'm actually looking forward to Sec 4. Kind of. I might even enjoy the studying. For once, external distractions will be minimised and I get to lose myself. I'm determined not to cheat myself this time. Sick of being told not good enough. Sick of the fear that I'll disappoint myself again. Not this time bitch.

And you. One of the few people I can count on in a world gone to hell. You helped me through the toughest shit I've gone through. But I can't help you if you put up walls. When it happened, you didn't tell anyone. I don't suppose that's bad, but just be careful you don't implode. Trust me, I know how you feel. The self-loathing will get you one day. It's gotten me faster than I thought. No one can run forever.

I don't mind if 21/12/2012 comes true. After all that I've done with my life, or lack thereof, I don't think it'll make much of a difference.

Good Night

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