Forge

One of the fewer times I'm posting while outside now. Sitting here at NLB and my half-done notes are lying there on the table and I can't get any motivation to continue anymore

Which kinda extends to the everything else now.

It's June and half the year is gone and CTs is in 1.5 weeks and all I can think about is what happens after which should be continuing to study but everything just boils down to nothing now (hooray run-on sentences). I just want to climb and get better but even now climbing serves no longer as an inspiration but a distraction. I want to climb for the wrong reasons and everything I want to do now is for the wrong reasons. I know it's stress I'm feeling now and oh my God help me. There is no longer any sense of achievement and I constantly wonder why I'm doing all this. At least in sec 4 after getting my stuff dome I'd feel happy about accomplishing something. Now it's just a sense of "yeah I'm done, so fucking what?". Why can't I just retire from being a student. Why can't I be like the fisherman from this story.

And to top it off I still haven't dealt with this shit. Fuck lah seriously. I don't even know what I know anymore. Was talking to Haziq about self-awareness the other day and he said he'd rather be self-aware. Tbh I'd rather too, but it just drives you deeper into the own stuff you think of, and then you land up hating yourself so so much. And no amount of company drives out this intense self-loathing because you yourself can't change anything about it. And right now I just wish I never knew anyone like that because Edge of Tomorrow showed it so clearly. That the more you know someone the harder it is to make yourself happy because that becomes the lowest priority. Everyone else takes precedence and then when the point comes where we're forced to be selfish we can't because now everyone doesn't care about everyone else and themselves as well. There is no more care left and all there is remaining is the empty shell of everyone. And we all need help and ask for it but everyone just curls up into a fucking porcupine don't they. Maybe at the end of the year I'll do something. Maybe I'll get the same result. Maybe it'll have died down by then. 

I don't know what to do.

Back to studying

Good Night

And the backs of my eyes blur with things I've never done

Inches

I'd thought by now I'd be used to this feeling. After Os, after so many things I can't remember anymore.

Pumpfest 2014 probably my best and at the same time worst showing for bouldering so far. It's true though, what everyone's been saying and repeating. Expect less and gain more. All I wanted for this was to do well and I guess I'm honestly quite happy with my improvement. From consistently being last in the team for boulder comps to 18th overall and 4th (iirc) in the team. Determined to come back stronger for Boulderactive. Kinda scared though, that if I put too much pressure on myself I might not be able to focus. But I think I'll leave that for a later time. Then again happy doesn't necessarily mean satisfied too. The worst is not to have done badly, it's to do well yet knowing you could have done better. Sigh :P A bit disappointed in myself for not keeping my cool on route 3. If I'd just concentrated instead of panicking and anyhow whacking the route, I would've been able to top it and earn myself a spot in the finals and promotion into Inter. But what's done is done. Really happy for those that did get promoted. Hope to join you guys soon :)

On another note, I don't know why I'm getting jealous over such a thing. It's not like it was ever mine to cherish in the first place. And again I know why I'm thinking this way, but knowing and doing are 2 separate things. It all boils down to the same things again, and it just gets worse and worse because the one true remedy for this is more or less the affliction. And I do try, you know. I try to do to others what I would like in return. But maybe it takes a bit more than that. To try and spread a little less sadness and a little more love, care, happiness, comfort. God. Damn. It. Wish I wasn't so... idk. So scared. So aware. And yet just so willing but unable to do something about this.

Because it take two to tango.

Good Night

I got my mind made up and I can't let go

I'm killing every second til it sees my soul