Haven't written in a really long time (again). Was busy enjoying my 2 weeks of block leave after BMT. I think BMT, at the end of it all, wasn't quite what I expected. I went in thinking things would play out a certain way. But as with most other things, not everything goes according to plan. And that's what made it somewhat enjoyable. Because after everything, I wouldn't say BMT was fulfilling to me. Rather, it was something more of an experience. Thank God it was a fun one. Special shout out especially to Jone In and Roy (both in SCS now) for keeping my head on straight. It was nice having honest conversations and stupid jokes with you two. But there it is,
BMT's over.
At the start of OCS, it was sort of like a "now what?" Because I worked hard and set my goals, and now that I'm here...? And in here, there's this prevailing sense of dread. Because there's so much hardship ahead of you and all you can do is wait for it to hit you in the face. But I think it's getting better. As with things all things new, you'll find find a purpose to keep yourself moving, and sticking to what I said to myself before: To always move forward. Whether it's because of the man beside you, or someone on the outside you care about, or sometimes just because why the fuck not. On the bright side, have a familiar face in Barnabas as my buddy :)
On to non-Army stuff. I just finished Fate/Stay Night and Fate/Zero a couple of weeks back. It raises a lot of ideas that got me thinking, chief among them the concept of being a "Hero of Justice", and also servant leadership. In F/SN (Stay Night), the main character is Emiya. He chooses to follow the ideal of being a "Hero of Justice", even though many people call it out as hypocrisy or ridicule him as someone who only chooses an ideal but not achieving it. In other words, his naivete in choosing an impossible ideal. Human beings are selfish by nature, so the idea of sacrificing oneself for others conflicts inherently with how we are hard-wired. At the same time, how can you save many when you sacrifice yourself for the few?
It's interesting because in Fate/Zero (the prequel), Emiya's dad pursues his own ideal of saving the world, but with the concept that the ends justify the means; the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. But no matter how hard the trials, at the end Emiya still decides to pursue his ideal, even when shown that it was foolish/completely wrong. The beauty of it all lies not in the ideal itself, but the act of pursuing it. The fortitude to chase and stand by what you believe in and want to be. That, in and of itself, is an ideal as well. And that's what I found endearing in F/SN. But oh well, I'll probably talk about F/Z another time.
What am I trying to achieve by longing?
To lead, to excel, to overcome.
Good Night
The weakness of losing things that can't be lost
