Sigh
I can't even be frustrated or angry anymore. Not at other things but just myself. It's just sad. This whole thing is just so. Fuck. I haven't let myself down to this state for a while. Not last year. Never just wallowed in my fucking tears. You know what the worst part is. The worst part is I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to do. Now that I find out and I realise how fucked up I feel now, it's clear to me. And the thing is I could have done something. All those times I just didn't wanna be seen as nothing and now what's happened. Such a coward such a nothing such a piece of fuck. And there's no use feeling sorry now. No use feeling sorry for myself. You know why? Because now I'm going to be happy. Happy for others. Tell them good job and congratulate them and pretend NOTHING'S WRONG. But by now all's wrong. I'm going to smile as always and tell myself "well shit maybe you should have not been a retard" and even after HOPING cos that's all I can do. Hope takes you nowhere.
Fuck I'm just so scared now. Angry. Fucking frustrated. Fuck cos things changed but I have to act like they didn't. And now it's so hard to act normal because every. single. fucking. second i just want to do something to feel dead inside completely.
But I can't.
I wish I was a tree.
Good Night
The deep end
We're swimming with the sharks until we drown
