Dividing

I initially started off writing this post by saying "Man so much has happened since the last post" until I realised that, well, that isn't true. I wonder how I should feel about that.

Also, that first paragraph was written 2 weeks ago from the rest of this post. Shows how much I've been procrastinating. I titled this post this post Dividing because I was thinking on something that's actually really obvious but has only become apparent to me now. That in the earlier years everyone has more time to spare, and so we manage to commit to many different things. We join 2, or 3 CCAs. We try to be both the Student Council President and the head of the CCA. We devote 4 months of Saturdays to a single night's performance. We put ourselves out there because to us the world is full of possibilities. We stretch what we can do because we love what we do and want to put everything into it. That it's possible to build the future that you've wanted. And then suddenly, there's not a lot of time anymore. You start going home when it's dark. You stay back in the canteen after school not because you want to but because the exams are coming up and you had terrible results previously so even though you hate it and you regret so so much there's no alternative so you grit everything and take out the books and pretend to make an effort. And of course that's not enough. Then you get the letter and before you even realise what's going on you're on a ferry. And now you don't start going home when the sun's already set. In fact, you don't get to go home at all. You resolve to give meaning to what you do and you try. You actually put in effort for once because god damn it you're not completely useless. And the illusion wears off, that it's not all you made it out to be. That nobody actually gives a shit, and you're one of them. That you're just selfish. And that you wait everyday for 5.30 to fuck off pang gang. And now,

Now there's no time left to divide at all.

I also now realise that all it was, on either end, was a slightly less temporary solution for a longer problem. To call it a facade would be disingenuous. It was more of a mutual self-deception. And when the slightly more permanent solution appeared, well what do you think happens to plasters after the cut no longer hurts. I finally understand their dynamic now, once I got the whole picture. Maybe I'd use them as a case study for future reference, so at least I won't be disappointed by either party should the same situation occur again.

I went to watch Your Name today with Timo and Jia Zhi, and it's easily one of my favourite movies. Thinking back on it, I can actually nitpick a few things that led to the movie falling short from perfect, it really was close. Yet at the end of it all I still enjoyed immensely. I think I'm really just a sucker for these kinds of movies. Not romance no, I've never really been one for that. But the struggle against fate. That you can find your happiness and fight for it. That even if takes days, months of years eventually it comes to you. The dream of it all. That coming of age is some beautiful and full of possibility. The movie was incredible on almost every single account. The story was pretty good, the visuals perfect, the soundtrack fit like a glove, and the characters were everything you'd hope to be. If there was any complaint I had it would be that the ending could have been so much more satisfying, but it still gave the closure I wanted from this movie, and that alone indicated how invested I was into it. I think the only movie apart from this to have given me this kind of wistful feeling is 3 Idiots, and in retrospect both have pretty similar endings. If anyone is reading this and hasn't watched it I strongly recommend changing that.

More and more I begin to feel both hopeful yet doubtful for the coming year, because I'm starting to put more and more expectations into it. But then again, it's not like this hasn't disappointed me before.

Good Night

Ah ah ah, well we're pouring gasoline,
So dance around the fire that we once believed in

Fire

Just got back from Japan, and I'd like to really get everything down here, lest I forget.

Because I never want to forget it. Because it was amazing, and wonderful, and so so very incredible. Every single moment of it. And I'll be honest, that before the trip I wasn't as excited as the rest. It felt more like an excuse, rather than a genuine want. Sorta like a "why not?". Work was getting a bit on my nerves the past few days, and the results from both Pumpfest and Boulderactive were nothing to cheer myself up with. Couple that with some long standing issues, and it was easy to fall into the trap of "yolo-ing" it. But after the first few bits when we started to get into the groove of things, everything seemed to really look up for that few days.

The first highlight was probably the trek from the bottom of Mt Takao all the way to Mt Jimba, totaling around 22km altogether. I've always loved trekking and hiking, mountaineering stuff. It all gets a lot more enjoyable without a field pack, ILBV and rifle sitting on your shoulders. Glad I wore proper shoes too, as the trail was kinda slippery from the day before. Mt Takao itself was pretty easy, seeing that it's a tourist spot. The trek from there to Mt Jimba though, was way way harder. It seemed like we were the only crazy ones who decided to make the trek there that late into the day. We started off around 1pm and took 4h20m to reach the peak of Mt Jimba, which was pretty good all things considered. Especially so since this was the girls' first time trekking a trail like that. Felt really great to finally complete the thing, and we managed to get off the trail before sunset, luckily for us. Talking a lot of crap during the trail really helped to keep all of us in good spirits, and was probably the first time I began to feel a real happiness about being with them in Japan.

The next big thing was definitely Disneyland. This was another part which I felt, initially to me, that I was doing it "for the girls' to enjoy themselves". No shame in admitting that I was wrong, and I'm happy that I was. I guess I just had a bad impression because of the last time I was there, which I can barely remember except for the fact that I hardly did anything besides watching my sister take the rides. Here again, I began to feel a lot of peace actually, not just about being able to be myself, but because of the happiness I found in being less self-conscious. In the past, whenever I was enjoying myself I tended to have a sudden moment of sobriety in which my mood swung the complete opposite way. I'd feel like shit and wonder if I was doing all that just to run away from my own issues. I still do have that sometimes, but thankfully it didn't occur that day, not for the entire 13 hours we spent there. And to me, that was special. I was really really happy and at ease for the first time in a very long while. I can't really explain it well in words. Taking all those boomerang shots especially :P I learnt to be a lot less judgmental, and that I didn't need to always follow a mental model of what I was "supposed to be like". Happiness was doing what I wanted without fear of reprisal.

Lastly, the best part for me wasn't just these two things I mentioned. It was the talks at night. The giggles and the roaring laughter. The whispers filled with gossip. Collectively stalking other people's Instagram. Looking through the day's photos and making fun of Crystal anyway. The combined bitching that almost came close to Ernest's solo rants. Watching 22 Jump Street while huddled under the sheets cos GODDAMN it was cold at night. And so much more.

I do feel a little sad. I'm scared that maybe this might be a one-off thing. I hope not. I hope that what happened over those 6 days was something that I'd still cherish when I meet with them. That to me, I can still be happy. That the pent up frustration with myself stays a little further away now. That for once, I've learned how to be myself. And that when it comes down to it,

I'd go back in a heartbeat.

Good Night

Just like magic

I'll be flying free

Heroes

I think at a certain point, many of us don't bother to go out of our way for others anymore. I used to have this kind of thought where, let's say I was walking down Orchard Road. (I think this is especially so since I'm "serving the nation" now) And let's say there was a gunman who suddenly appeared, or maybe some other grave threat. Would I try to stop him, even if I had to risk my life? Or would I simply try to save my own. I think that to say the latter would happen is not, say, unreasonable, but I wish that if it ever came down to it I'd have the courage to save somebody. This may seem like something that is just idle thinking but I don't know, it just seems to affect me a bit. 

Also, I noted an interesting change in my mindset the other day. I was at an MRT and saw an AWARE poster, which made me also remember about something that happened a few years back. I think it was in either Sec 4 or JC1, and AWARE made a protest about the "Purple Light" song having a line which said "rape my girlfriend". At the time, not having been in army yet, and also coming from NCC, I honestly didn't think their anger was founded. To me, I thought of it as "a bunch of feminists meddling in something that was none of their business". My logic was that it was a harmless joke, why would you get so angry over something so trivial? Over the last few years though, I do realise that they have a very legitimate point. That this is something that you shouldn't just spew out as a "joke". It's vitriolic, and insensitive and I think very unbecoming. To be fair though, the song does have a line which says "kill the man" which, if I'm being honest, I don't really care about. Kinda makes me wonder why I think some stuff is still okay and some stuff isn't, but I don't wanna delve into it. 

Things have been looking rather up lately. Exercise Milo is over, and I've only got competitions and my Japan trip to look forward to for the next few weeks. Hope to keep up the good morale :)

Good Night

 Sorry I ain't got no money I'm not tryin' to be funny

But I left it all at home today

Spiralling

In the anime Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, the spiral symbol is used in the form of a drill. It represents the perseverance of mankind, and is partially shown in the shape of our DNA as well. As with all things though, it has its own downside in meanings. "Spiralling into madness/depression"/"spiralling into chaos" etc.

Long bus rides (alone) are the worst.

Spent the weekend in Malaysia with the climbers. Went to KL to experience "Asia's largest indoor gym" and I guess it kinda lives up to the name? Camp 5 was pretty great, although it was only a short trip for me. Currently on course so I couldn't take leave to extend the trip with the rest. I wonder what it is that makes me feel so happy with them. Maybe it's just because I can be myself. Cliche as that sounds, it does seem to answer the question. At the end of the day, I'm just a goofball that wants to do stupid shit, and they're perfectly okay with it. Thank you God for sending me their way, because I don't know what I'd do without them.

As mentioned, I had to leave KL yesterday afternoon. As it turns out, that was the exact same plan of probably half the damn city. Bus was delayed by about 1.5 hours so I spent some of it chatting with the ah pek and another guy who were also due for SG. Thankfully the bus ride was pretty short all things considered. Hit the checkpoint in about 5 hours, though it took me another 2-3 hours to actually clear customs.

I think it's, the thinking that gets to you first. A perverse oscillation between mind-numbing boredom and the accumulation of negative thoughts that hits you all at once at its peak, like a fistful of sadness and loneliness. Theres only so much of the scenery that can change. Only so many rest stops to get off at and wash your face. To watch the sky grow darker without seeing the sun set at all, that sometimes the end is just the end, and that not everybody gets to see its beauty. And I realise the sick complacency and assumption that I was viewed in a certain way, that what I was considering was for other people's good rather than what was in fact my own interests. That spiralling into this state of mind was a result of some underlying issues that I've never wanted to acknowledge. In some way, it still holds true that it isn't fair, but in this case I guess the party in question is probably not me.

Nice.

Good Night

Picture it now, down the road

Oh just say the word and I'll go

Done

I think I managed to get a lot off my chest yesterday.

Also, I think this has been the longest hiatus I've had in a while. Moving on.

Finally done with OCS. Like, fur realzies. Entering 9 months ago feels like a dream to me now. I get shivers and spasms and want to scream "DON'T DO IT". Just kidding. (I think). Busybee me has spent the last 3 weeks before commissioning rotting away once again in SAFTI. Someone needs to get the WOSPEC mess proper handphone coverage, because 95% of the time the signal was pretty SHIT. You can only imagine my pain when I turn on my data only to see my phone display drop from 4G to 3G to H+ to H to finally... a G. I'd rather have a G-string thank you very much. That's an inappropriate joke but I'm just gonna leave it here. BECAUSE I CAN.


























Also MSD if you're reading this just text me quietly to remove the joke and I will. (That's the Military Security Department if anyone's wondering). ON TO POSTINGS!

So from today (actually last Saturday) I am now officially the Artillery Institute Mortar Instructor for the rest of my NS liability. Yay...? I'm still kinda conflicted on how to feel about it. From the start I've always hoped to be in a command position, not instructional. I had (have) so little faith in my current batch of upperstudies that I told myself I wouldn't want to join them. Well here the fuck I am. I think this is what they call sweet poetic justice. Oh well at least I apparently have a good life as a mortar instructor yknow. Mostly stay out, no need go overseas, plus Khatib is so close to my house. I'm planning to cycle to Khatib every other day if I can. I'd like to give a special shout out this time to Leonard my 2nd fish (the joke only works with 2) and Wen Jie who I'm proud to say stopped being a callous bastard and grew into a much more charming callous motherfucker, God bless his soul. The 2 people who accompanied me to Khatib as part of Platoon 3 Section 2. Special mention also to BARNY MY VERY OWN MINI-DINO who is the only one retarded enough to follow me on my self-assigned Urban Ops missions to clear our bunk areas. YES.

That's about it. I hope Comms Ball this week goes fine please please please I'd like to feel really happy again.

Good Night

And my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound, 

I was lost til I heard the drums and I found my way

120mm

The calibre of a standard mortar bomb.

So the first post of 2016 has the honour of arriving late, and even then long overdue from the last one. It's not to say I had no time do it, but rather I lacked the emotional energy or motivation to actually express myself again. It seems like ever since coming to Arty, things have started on this downward spiral again, and things have started to blur together or switch positions all together. For a significant portion of my time in NS, it was the people that kept me moving forward. Over here I fucking hate the guts of so many people, and the thing I found joy in most was actually the training. Tiring as it may have been sometimes, it was exactly what I was looking for. I was entirely willing to pour myself into the formulas, the memorisation, the calculations. I loved it, because it gave me some validation to my choice of going to Artillery. At the end of what's happened so far, I was told that I was actually doing well in the course. It occurred to me that I could set a higher goal for myself rather than simply commissioning. And when everything seemed to look up for once in a long while,

I fell short again.

I don't even know what to feel now, because everything just seems to conflict so much. Intense disappointment mixed with this burning desire to prove something to he didn't choose. Now the prospect of having to lead 29 other people Infantry style seems more daunting than ever. But at the same time, this is sort of what I wanted isn't it? It all just boils down to whether the sacrifices are going to be worth it. A lot of it has just been whittled down to me not trying hard enough, and I'm done with that. You can either simply let things happen, or you can make things happen. Sometimes the way to be happy employs to latter. "Do not go gentle into that good night; rage, rage against the dying of the light". 2LT Darren said this to Denzyl the other day, that if he was going to choose to be an FO, then he better be a damn good one. To me, I'd take these words further. Coming to mortar was still a choice. My choice. Whatever the challenges are up ahead, if I'm going to be a mortar PC,

I better be a damn good one.

Good Night

And I know she'll be the death of me

At least we'll both be numb