And do you know what regret is too? Regret isn't just about doing something you shouldn't have. Most of the time, if not, it's not doing something you should've. Which usually brings you to the question. Is "should" the right word? Should you have done it? Or maybe was just keeping quiet the right choice. Laying out what you really wanted to say but just, backspacing everything and typing something inane, useless. Something that holds no meaning just so that maybe somewhere down along the line, the opposite might happen to swing by instead. And you get used to this. This is what failure feels like.
I realise that in the great changes in my life, I always expected some grandiose self-growth or improvement to go along with it. And yet as with everything, it regresses to the mean. I learn to settle with mediocrity. Doesn't everyone want to be special? Don't they? I'm not even sure now. Why do some people just seem to have things figured out? And I become used to this state of being the same person I was years ago. Having experiences which fail to change anything. That deep down I'm still just as afraid, only of different things now. Still wondering if I can amount to anything, to anyone. And how I don't even make the effort to try and get away from this shadow of a person that lives not under my feet but everywhere but. Because all I can do when I'm troubled is write. And write. And write because pixels on a screen always save the day don't they.
Because all of a sudden when I was full of hope and optimism for what lay in store it almost seemed as if what I imagined I could be was slowly unfolding (even though I knew I fucking KNEW) and I chased the empty shell of a dream from a long distant night ago. And when I found what I did (I expected it anyway) what use was hope then if it wasn't just denial?
Good Night
So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
