And do you know what regret is too? Regret isn't just about doing something you shouldn't have. Most of the time, if not, it's not doing something you should've. Which usually brings you to the question. Is "should" the right word? Should you have done it? Or maybe was just keeping quiet the right choice. Laying out what you really wanted to say but just, backspacing everything and typing something inane, useless. Something that holds no meaning just so that maybe somewhere down along the line, the opposite might happen to swing by instead. And you get used to this. This is what failure feels like.
I realise that in the great changes in my life, I always expected some grandiose self-growth or improvement to go along with it. And yet as with everything, it regresses to the mean. I learn to settle with mediocrity. Doesn't everyone want to be special? Don't they? I'm not even sure now. Why do some people just seem to have things figured out? And I become used to this state of being the same person I was years ago. Having experiences which fail to change anything. That deep down I'm still just as afraid, only of different things now. Still wondering if I can amount to anything, to anyone. And how I don't even make the effort to try and get away from this shadow of a person that lives not under my feet but everywhere but. Because all I can do when I'm troubled is write. And write. And write because pixels on a screen always save the day don't they.
Because all of a sudden when I was full of hope and optimism for what lay in store it almost seemed as if what I imagined I could be was slowly unfolding (even though I knew I fucking KNEW) and I chased the empty shell of a dream from a long distant night ago. And when I found what I did (I expected it anyway) what use was hope then if it wasn't just denial?
A lot's happened since the last time I posted. Scorpion King, Social Night, lotsa other things that happened for NS. But right now I don't feel like talking about all that.
The recurring feeling of helplessness is something I have yet to be accustomed to. I keep hearing about all the goddamn fuckshit going around and yet I can do absolutely nothing. And now I have this other issue to deal with because GODDAMN if it doesn't feel like shit being this way. I was saying this to Jasmine the other day on the bus back too. It's like when you're younger, you always tend to have expectations of older people. You think adults have the world figured out, that they always know the right answer to the right questions. How everything seems to fall in place so easily. As life progresses on, you start to realise that in time, you have to fulfill these expectations as well. What seemed like an oxymoronic childish maturity becomes something you think you need to achieve as well. Things like getting your university place (which you're supposed to have dreamed of getting your whole life), or your first love (which you're supposed to have wanted to find your whole life and everything clicked), or your first job (which you're so happy and contented with!) or maybe even something like your own social life (look at how many friends I'm supposed to be "family" with). And slowly, slowly you'd start to realise that at a certain point maybe it's not because you can't be half-assed to do these things. Maybe, just maybe, the problem lies with you.
And that was honestly a great night simply because of the company (heh geddit). It was also then that I realised maybe there might be something I could hold on to.
So here I am back in bunk waiting for the next week to end already.
Centipede finished last week and I'm just so glad it's over. Surprisingly, I didn't feel that sian at all during the 8 days over in that island. Probably because I was too shag to even feel sian at all. There was no such thing as "downtime" during those days, only rushing here and running there. Looking back now, I can hardly remember what happened mostly during those 8 days. It was basically mission after mission after mission with no end in sight. The first day of NavEx started off so horribly already and it kinda set the tone for the rest of Centipede. I think the worst part is that I can't even say that it was worth it convincingly. Staying 8 days in the middle of an island and sacrificing my weekend (and my birthday to boot) was not something I'd look back on and go "I'd do it again". Sure, I picked up some skills during the Exercise, but that was all. Skills like setting up an ambush or a firefight which I won't even use in the future. Lessons? Things I learnt about myself? All I can give you in regards to that is a blank stare. So much of it was just going through the motions to get myself off that island faster.
Which brings me to my next point. I hate it here. I'm tired of acting like the camaraderie makes this whole shit worth it. I'm tired of acting like I became "stronger" somehow by going through all this training. The only reason why I'm staying is because the people make it somewhat bearable. Sure, there's the occasional enjoyable activity like UO or the time to chill like movie night after Centipede. But those things are few and far between. I hold so little actual interest in the things I'm learning now. I have to force myself to go through and learn things that I normally would not care about, simply because I chose to be here in OCS. It's my choice, and to regret it will only make the 9 months feel longer than it actually is. I wish I was learning about flight systems again. I wish I was moving on to Pro Term now. I wish that I was being taught to use the RC flight simulator instead. That I'd be in the familiar feeling of a No.3. That I'd have a wing above my left pocket instead of having to march 24km just for my beret. It seems like I want the easy way out now, it really does. And to a certain extent, the desire is true. At the end of the day, nobody cares what you did. Nobody tells you you did a good job leopard crawling up a 5 storey knoll. Nobody pats you on the back for digging for four days without sleep. There's no reward given for staying in the forest for 8 days without seeing any of the outside world. In all these cases, the reward is just finishing the thing itself. At the end, people look at your rank and respect it, regardless of what you did to earn it. And even then, the rank itself holds no weight unless you actually prove it not just to the people under you, but to the people outside as well. But if there's one thing I've really learned from Army, it's to suck thumb.
The last few days, there's been a creeping realisation that maybe I need some actual help. I don't know if I've just brushed this off for too long or I'm just attributing this to an uncomfortable environment. It started so long ago and took a nosedive after I did something so incredibly stupid I can't believe what I was thinking in the first place. Even now I wallow in this pathetic delusion of hope that people change and people realise, but I'm all the proof I need that shows otherwise. Until now I still coop myself up on the computer instead of spending time with my mom and thanking her and THIS REGRET. I feel so guilty but the next week everything repeats itself. And now, I no longer have that luxury of spending a few truly happy hours once in a while simply because.
I think that it's actually nicer to be blogging from camp. Writing my thoughts down manually feels a lot more therapeutic, and its been a while since I actually hand-wrote anything. Admin time in camp gives you a lot of space for self-reflection, where there aren't many distractions.
And so to start off by continuing from my last post, I guess I'll dive into what I feel about servant leadership and what Fate/Zero has to say about it. As a personal opinion, I've always tended to follow a style of leadership in which I try to put myself on the level of those following me. To me, leadership is something that goes both ways. You can't lead empty spaces. I used to believe unequivocally that this was the best style of leadership. One where you help the men you lead to follow you better. But there are downsides to everything. Sometimes the way to lead is by blazing a trail forward by yourself. Sometimes you simply can't handle the burdens of every person you lead. Maybe a good leader needs to be envied instead of known intimately. To be higher, better, faster and stronger than everybody else. We see this in the talk in the garden between Gilgamesh, Saber and Rider. In F/Z, Saber is King Arthur (Arturia actually but that's according to the world lore) and Rider is Alexander the Great. Saber represents servant leadership in the way King Arthur focuses on helping his subjects and saving them, while Rider represents the opposite. Alexander the Great is the one who charges forward at the head of battle. He is the one people envy, and they strive to be like him. In this case, it allows him to have dedicated followers as well. And so maybe
Sometimes caring about others isn't the most important thing.
And I guess all I am now is nothing more than an afterthought. A product of a bygone year of youth and uncertainty. I know what's happening. Or at least, I knew what was going on. I feel it down in my gut. It's the same feeling I had when I noticed the hesitation before the answer, the downward shift in the eyes. It's the same feeling when I read the cries to no one in particular. And I ask myself, why am I so sentimental? I've kept every movie ticket since primary school for fucks sake. Why do I value things more than I should? When all it does is cause me anxiety and worry. Am I really that insecure in my own meaning that I have to find it in meaningless experiences and things? When you try to put value in everything, nothing stands out anymore. The 4 day holiday turned out to be so shitty simply because I had to sacrifice meeting people for other commitments. I remember talking to Jian Hui a time ago, and he said something I found very true. He never really saw me as belonging somewhere. All along I've kinda drifted here and there. I've tried to maintain relations with so many things that I can't handle it. Maybe I need to accept that sacrifices and prioritisation have to be made sometimes.
I'm starting to enjoy book ins simply because it lets me forget. I think I've finally found my solution. The solution was never mine to begin with. Sometimes the solution comes when you realise someone has to lose for someone else to gain. And that sometimes that's all the meaning and purpose you need. There were never any experiences. There was never any mythical golden apple you hoped existed. Just little memories and myths that might hopefully bring a hint of a smile. That following an idea can be just as good as the idea itself. I still mean it though. I know goodness.
Haven't written in a really long time (again). Was busy enjoying my 2 weeks of block leave after BMT. I think BMT, at the end of it all, wasn't quite what I expected. I went in thinking things would play out a certain way. But as with most other things, not everything goes according to plan. And that's what made it somewhat enjoyable. Because after everything, I wouldn't say BMT was fulfilling to me. Rather, it was something more of an experience. Thank God it was a fun one. Special shout out especially to Jone In and Roy (both in SCS now) for keeping my head on straight. It was nice having honest conversations and stupid jokes with you two. But there it is,
BMT's over.
At the start of OCS, it was sort of like a "now what?" Because I worked hard and set my goals, and now that I'm here...? And in here, there's this prevailing sense of dread. Because there's so much hardship ahead of you and all you can do is wait for it to hit you in the face. But I think it's getting better. As with things all things new, you'll find find a purpose to keep yourself moving, and sticking to what I said to myself before: To always move forward. Whether it's because of the man beside you, or someone on the outside you care about, or sometimes just because why the fuck not. On the bright side, have a familiar face in Barnabas as my buddy :)
On to non-Army stuff. I just finished Fate/Stay Night and Fate/Zero a couple of weeks back. It raises a lot of ideas that got me thinking, chief among them the concept of being a "Hero of Justice", and also servant leadership. In F/SN (Stay Night), the main character is Emiya. He chooses to follow the ideal of being a "Hero of Justice", even though many people call it out as hypocrisy or ridicule him as someone who only chooses an ideal but not achieving it. In other words, his naivete in choosing an impossible ideal. Human beings are selfish by nature, so the idea of sacrificing oneself for others conflicts inherently with how we are hard-wired. At the same time, how can you save many when you sacrifice yourself for the few?
It's interesting because in Fate/Zero (the prequel), Emiya's dad pursues his own ideal of saving the world, but with the concept that the ends justify the means; the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. But no matter how hard the trials, at the end Emiya still decides to pursue his ideal, even when shown that it was foolish/completely wrong. The beauty of it all lies not in the ideal itself, but the act of pursuing it. The fortitude to chase and stand by what you believe in and want to be. That, in and of itself, is an ideal as well. And that's what I found endearing in F/SN. But oh well, I'll probably talk about F/Z another time.
I think, I've always been a person easily moved to jealousy. I don't ever recall actually thinking about this through seriously. But recent events have made me realise that yes, I am a person who easily feels jealous. About quite a number of things in fact. Like how I'm always jealous of people who get the spotlight, deserved or undeserved. I guess it boils down to the fact that I like to treat everyone equally, or at least I try to. So for some stupid reason, it irritates me when others start to place more attention on somebody. To be honest, most of the times said person actually deserves to be the center of attention. Maybe they did well in their exams, or managed to produce results in other areas. Maybe they gained a lot of respect for doing things normal people wouldn't. Or for treating others with kindness and consideration. Looking at it now, I really have no idea why I feel so much irritation when this happens. It's not to say that I want to attention for myself instead. On the contrary, I usually feel quite uneasy when any sort of spotlight is placed upon me. I mean yes it's nice to be recognised, but having large amounts of people place their attention on you has always unnerved me. Maybe it's just a tad bit of social anxiety. I do wish I could achieve what they did. I am jealous of what they have managed to accomplished. But envy of the attention is something that doesn't really apply in my case.
Or maybe I just want something I'm scared I may not have the chance to get again.
I've usually done what I'm supposed to do. When people told me to study, I gritted my teeth and forced myself to NLB everyday even though I hated every second of it, When people told me to follow the rules I did. I feel like I have a stick up my ass, as the saying goes. When I was told to be a good soldier, I tried. When people said that I'd cry during the mail run, I did. I guess to me, I try to find meaning in many meaningless things. Believing that living for just yourself is entirely unfulfilling, and so I try to do things for others instead. That following some set of expectations would lead me to some form of satisfaction.
Then why do I feel like this
Starting to change my mind about some things in army, but I'd rather not let it out here. It's exactly one more week to POP, which to be honest I'm half not looking forward to. BMT has honestly been pretty enjoyable, and the commanders have treated us really really well. If I go to command school, all this will just be a thing of the past. It's supposed to be a happy occasion.
It's been almost exactly a month and a week since I went in. And God knows how long since my last post. I think there's really too many things that have happened, so maybe I'll just go over the important bits. Been meaning to write something up but book outs have been... scarce.
It's very easy to start feeling an overwhelming sense of depression or loneliness when you go in. I don't know, maybe it's something about the island. Or about what we do. It's not the people, no. The people are what allows you to keep a level head. It just dwells under the surface but you don't realise it because most of the day you're either going left right left or shouting out FIVE COUNTS OF FOUR. And then while it's admin time and you're sitting on your bunk, or you're just standing in line with countless shaved heads waiting for your lunch, it hits you like a fucking truck. The overwhelming feeling of sian-ness. Of "why the fuck am I even here". And physically too. You stop talking all of a sudden, you sit down or lie down and shut the fuck up for a moment because right then and there you question everything. Because the only thing left in your possession is your ability to think for yourself. Nothing else belongs to you. Your bed, your friends, your seniors, your goddamn toilet paper. Your TIME. Everything goes back to, or comes from the Big Daddy sitting in his office at CMPB.
Aiyo aiyo ai ai yo ah
But then you start to remember, that just because you can't choose whether you want to do it or not, it doesn't mean you can't try your goddamn hardest. That even if they take everything away, you won't let them get the satisfaction of taking your fucking spirit as well. That you just fucking try, because as long as you're happy with yourself, then what the fuck right. That even when you think you have nothing left in the tank you can still keep the wheels turning. That when you can't feel your legs you still make that last 50m sprint. And that after this, you come out stronger. You grow.
You fucking take that next step forward even if the goddamn floor is lava.
I think next time I'll talk about the people. Keep things short and simple.
Somber reminder of mortality over the last week. First heard about the Sabah Quake while in camp and watching the news. To be somewhere so full of life and yet to experience something so fucked up is just.. you just can't really express it. And to be reminded that you were there just 6 months ago. Climbing the exact same mountain. In the same outhouse. It makes me infinitely more grateful to be where I am now. I just can't really say much about this. It's just a feeling of I guess, fear?
If you can miss nothing, then you never truly missed anything in the first place.
I remember when I was still in secondary school and taking tuition. I had a really good Chinese tuition teacher called Mr John Chew (The coincidence). And he was good not because he taught the subject really well, but because he taught me a lot about life. At a time when I was so entrenched in my own life I was taught to think of others from their perspective. I learnt to reconcile my own religious beliefs with my social beliefs. I learnt that there's a lot in life that we take for granted in the chase for the next best thing. I never realised it, but I've been applying what he taught me even now. After As ended I told myself that I would not want to take a job where I was cooped up in an office. Actually for that matter, that has been my own view for a while now. And that's when I decided to take up freelancing for LDR to do heritage trails. I saw it as an opportunity to not only get some working experience, but also to learn about things I never really paid attention to during school times. It allowed me to get out of the house and explore areas like Clarke Quay and the Singapore River not from someone wearing a long-sleeved shirt but as a person teaching others about the place itself. I was actually invested in the place I was at, that was my whole purpose of being there. Instead of taking a lift up in the morning to spend 9 hours with the air conditioner, I walked along the River, up the stairs to Fort Canning, explaining the past of the place to the present who were there. And I found it WORTHWHILE. And yet people still tell me "get a proper job". Even if half-jokingly, I know what they mean. Yet is it out of their own envy that they tell me that? Because I'm doing the exact opposite of what they do and I enjoy it? Or is it just that, a joke? If you ask me now, I will say I've had no regrets. That I spent the last 5 months doing exactly what I wanted to do. The only time I've been free of obligations, and I didn't force myself into months of monotonous routine. And that I will never ever get this chance again. Hell yeah it's worth it.
Then again, I still feel that overwhelming sense of. I have no idea how to describe it. Is it loneliness, melancholy, resignation, apathy...? Walking to the MRT. Or waiting for the movie to start. Or just going to sleep. I've never really talked about this directly. Remember all my old posts vaguely talking about a "you". I think what scares me now is that even after I've never really changed the way I am, I've never really encountered the same thing in the year and a half since that period of my life. It's a rare thing, to be so sure about someone and something, but how sure you are doesn't mean you're going to get it right. I find it funny how only now I can talk about this and yet I've never brought it up with others. I'm sitting behind a motherfucking screen sharing my heart out. The irony of the situation is hilarious. It was never about being "too late" or what other bullshit. The only things now is that I haven't met someone who's made me feel in such a manner. At that point in my life - and to some extent I believe currently - I honestly felt that you were somebody I could give the rest of my life to. Nothing had actually happened but there I was sitting in my own dream bubble imagining what the rest of my life would be like if that were the case. Oh to be that age again. Haha I'm beginning to sound like a wistful old man. And it's pretty stupid, don't you think? I haven't even hit my 20s and yet here I am worrying about being alone in my old age. But I admit no shame in feeling such a way. There's nothing wrong with feeling what a person can feel. It'd be nice to be priority for somebody for once. And maybe I'll listen to my own advice as well.
Why worry about what your present self can do in the future which you know nothing of?
I feel like at this point in time I need a giant signboard over my head that states my enlistment date along with what day it will be and what time. Almost every conversation I've had with anyone has included the question of when I'm enlisting and the occasional "are you excited/scared/ready" to which I usually answer "no/no/I couldn't really care less".
Conclusion.
Results came out about half a month ago. Even with only 3 national exams I've taken so far, I feel this has got to be one of the strangest. I can't say I wasn't disappointed slightly by how A levels turned out. But at the same time I'm pretty okay with it actually. I guess it helps knowing that I got the result that I deserved, no more no less. In the end, doing well would've just been a nice bonus. I'm still happy for those that did well at the same time. Almost everyone in the team did well so I'm quite proud of them, especially since they studied so hard for it. Then again, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't salty about those people who were going around "OMG I did better than expected" Well yeah kudos to you then :P I'm in a frustrating spot now though, where personally I'm quite okay with my grades, but at the same time they're just below last year's cutoff for the NTU School of Comms. That's been my sole goal ever since I decided I wanted to do journalism. Tried to bolster my application through the discretionary application, hoping and praying that I'll get in. Second choice at NTU for me would be Sociology, cos that seems like the closest alternative to doing journalism, but I don't know whether I'd be able to enjoy doing it. We'll see how it goes. Strangely enough, when I've just fallen short of something, the second option somehow turns out to be better. It happened in NCC and O levels, so here's to hoping everything works out fine in the end again.
I can't say that this hiatus hasn't had it's fair share of downsides. Though to say something would kinda be like a "first world problems" kind of thing. I can tell that I've been pretty extra during the J2 trainings, but they're just too nice to be a dick to me about it :P It's only really been Jia Zhi and me that's left. I guess Jas would climb if her work wasn't so far from CA. I'm still avoiding the issue lol, but out with it. I guess there's a lot of things they don't tell you as a kid. They tell you adulthood or growing up is filled with responsibilities. They tell you that you have to earn your keep, that you have to eat healthy once your body starts to conk out, that paying bills and shit is well, shit. What they don't tell you is that there is no fairytale ending. That sometimes the loneliness you feel is crushing. That sometimes you literally ache at the feeling of emptiness. And that sometimes you're so unsure of yourself simply because you can't tell if it's just the loneliness latching on to the first thing it sees, or if you actually give a shit about others. And then you tell yourself that no, you actually do care but in the times of solitude? When no one else is around and the eerie comfort of silence welcomes you again and you just, sink right into it. Letting in body and soul until your mind shakes you to tell you that what you need is PEOPLE. What you need is a PERSON. There's a lot of things that I don't know anymore.
Stopped my games earlier a bit today since I wasn't really in the mood and I need to sleep earlier seeing I have to report for work tmr by 7.45 at Raffles Place area.
It's been a while since I last posted as well but I think today I'll just ramble a bit. The only rather interesting piece that's happened between the last post and now is that the team has started speed so I went down to Onsight to help them get started. And on that note
I guess since I was young I've never really considered teaching to be something I'd enjoy. And slowly as I took on leadership positions while growing up in school I realised it was something I could find a sense of fulfillment in. The first time I had ever been a "leader" in a sense was in the scouts in primary school where it served basically as something you progressed into rather than something that was earned by merit. Well, as far as I can remember anyway. The first time I was properly tasked to lead something was probably as an OAL for the Secondary 2 camp. Being in such a position of power for something like a camp felt exhilarating and eventually led to some degree of abuse of it. I went absolutely manic at certain points just because I could get away with it. I felt such a large amount of satisfaction being on the opposite end for once, being the one throwing shit instead of receiving it. But I quickly realised that what I had attained merely a fleeting happiness and decided that I would not go down that way again after I took over in NCC. Which brings me to my next point, of NCC being the thing up till now that has defined the way I view people. I think NCC kind of brought out a certain perfectionist side in me, due to the incredibly mind numbing repetitions we were required to perform for things from PT to drills. It nurtures your desire to make sure things are good on the first try so you don't have to do it again. And if you have to practice to make perfect, you do it even if it means 9 hours of training from Saturday morning to evening. It was also here that I realised that you don't need to instill the fear of God into your lower ranks in order to be a good leader. You don't need to make their hands and legs bleed from stupid punishments. I decided there and then after standing in front of them to be as reasonable about everything as I possibly could. And this is where I became probably the most lenient Part C UDI in history. I tend to explain it as being that Zhi Herng had disciplined them to the point where physical punishment was no longer necessary. I did, and still do believe that to be true. I recall only ever pumping them 2 or 3 times in my entire stint as their Staff Sergeant, and even then only being truly angry in one instance. And I'm not trying to be high and mighty here, but both times I pumped them, I did it along with them because I believe that what you do to others you should be able to yourself as well. I think that did help instill some sort of consideration on their part (pun of the day) and it helped immensely. Most of the time, when they fucked up I tried to explain things and only shouted when they fucked up incredibly bad. I do admit that I may have been a bit too nice to them, but I do not regret it at all, and in any case they did not climb over my head. I feel that, while it may not have been as fun (in the truest sense of the word) as other things I have endeavoured on, it was definitely the most fulfilling and I would not exchange it for anything else. And though this isn't exactly the best place to say it, I'll just leave this here by saying that I really do miss each and every single one of not only my part mates, but the part Cs I took. I still look back on the times where they did something nice for me, like my birthday and the present (which I still use today), and I wonder how everyone is doing now. So while this wasn't exactly teaching per se, its helped me discover a part of myself that I never really knew about, and for that experience I'm infinitely grateful.
Was a lot more melancholy when I decided to type this post up, but writing that last paragraph has somehow made me a lot more wistful and nostalgic, which helps in shoving the darker thoughts away. Oh well :)
In all seriousness, Krabi was over the last week or so and I'm really relieved that nothing major happened during the trip. Still fucking salty though, that I lost my specs during deep water AND I left my chalkbag behind at one of the walls. Other than that, I can safely say that was the most fun trip I've ever had. It was nice to be able to just go out with the squad and do our own shit. First day was mostly chill since with landed in the late afternoon around there. Had our first dinner at the local Thai restaurant and it was fuckin good. Decided to sign up for Deep Water Solo the next day with King Climbers (the guys who did our guide book). Deep water was definitely an experience but also the kind of thing I don't think I'd do again. Maybe if it was a proper route and not with other people, it'd be much nicer. In any case, the one we did made DWS seem overrated. Partly cos there were so many other people there it kinda crowded up the experience. Also cos it wasn't a legit route and it was basically like a sideways traverse. First climb was the highest but that was cos I didn't really know what to expect. Jumped off cos they told me not to climb too high and thank god they did. Impact was a bitch and that was where I lost my specs. Whole thing was pretty tiring probably cos the swimming with climbing shoes on was EXHAUSTING. That, and having to climb back into the speedboat. Got pretty done with it after a while haha. Second day was what I was looking forward to when we went to lead. This was still with the whole group so we decided to go for an easier wall. Only managed to get in about 2 climbs throughout the whole day cos there were so many of us. 3rd day Vincent, Haziq and Hubert went home. Jia Zhi was sick that day so we basically just slacked for the rest of the day. A bit lazy to type out the rest of the trip, and it was kinda just slacking and climbing mostly so I won't go into detail. Met a really chill Malaysian guy though, shame I forgot to get his name. He comes to SG to climb quite often. Also found it kinda funny how the trip turned into a pseudo photoshoot instead of a climbing one.
Here's the list of climbs in order:
Muay Thai 6B+
We Sad 6A+
Pahn Taalod (Always Pass) 6A
The Lion King 6C+
Tidal Wave 7B+/7C (Uncompleted, but a helluva route I'd want to try again in the future)
Vikings In Heat 6C
Hin Rong Hai (Crying Rock) 6C
Jumping for Jugs 6C
Strangely enough, the only flashes I held were the first 2 which we did on day 1. I do regret not being able to climb more routes, especially the 6C+s and maybe a few 7As. But I guess I'd chalk (heh) that down to lack of experience climbing overseas, seeing as we needed to take a lot of factors into account such as the position of the sun and the tide into whether we could climb or not. But all in all I think it was a very worth it trip.
Been in a really really really shitty mood since I came back from Krabi. I've just been super done with a lot of things and it's almost always "fuck this shit I'm out". Got a bit irritated with someone recently also. I mean it's one thing to pangseh, but to do it so many times? And the least you could do was to reply my calls instead of hanging up. I mean cmon. I guess I'm just tired of trying to make an effort for people and fake being happy you know. Even in Krabi sometimes the emotion just hits and my smile falters, so I just sit there staring into the sea and wondering why, just why. Maybe in the end everyone's just closer to everyone else, and I'm just. Well. I'm just here yknow. I want to feel like I mean something sometimes but most of the time I can't even be happy with myself. And it shows. I try so desperately to connect with someone anyone but it ends with 2 blue ticks. I honestly have so little fucks to give about everything already but. In the end I come crawling back. And I'm so scared of looking like a self-pitying fool because in reality that's the truth. There are people worse off than me and I do try to think of that. Sometimes I just try looking on the bright side but I always feel it at the back of my neck, breathing down. The voice that brings me back down to the ground face first and shows me how really empty I am.
Holy shit it's been a while since I've been here. Mainly cause I've been so lazy to blog and any troubles I have are more or less put aside for now. In any case, there's been quite a lot that happened this past month or so but I'll just try to keep it short I guess.
Mount Kinabalu was a 3 day thing last month that was actually pretty uh.. different. I don't really say fun cos the actual climb was anything BUT fun. It was a REALLY good experience though. I kind of regret not training properly for the climb cos I think if I wasn't so tired, it would have been way more enjoyable. The climb up itself wasn't too bad actually, cos we were all still pretty fresh. The entire climb lasted about 2 days overall, both up and down. Started from base camp around 8am or so and climbed for about 6 hours before reaching the checkpoint lodge. Never been so happy to see a building in my life. I was grouped together with Shaun from 62nd and a few other guys. Had an early dinner and slept around like 8pm? Since we were supposed to wake up at 1.30am next day to start our summit attempt. Had to wake up midway cos I needed the toilet and fml couldn't sleep at all after that. The sergeant next to me had his phone off silent so whoever he was messaging kept sending shit and I couldn't get any shut eye at all. Add to the fact that my knee joints were aching like fuck from the upclimb and that was one of the worst nights I've had. Reported at 1.30 or so for the summit climb. Was pretty cold and the thin air was very noticeable. Idk how to explain it, but it's like taking a deep breath but still feeling short of air. Heart was pounding so hard while climbing haha. The top part was mostly barren rock and very slope-y, which was worse cos it meant using mostly my calf muscles when climbing, which tired me out faster. Had to take a huge amount of breaks and was climbing really slowly. 4 hours later managed to catch the sunrise just in time. And Holy. Shit. That was something that was really really mind-numbing. To look around and see yourself above the clouds. It was like seeing a sunrise from an airplane but you were outside the cabin. Feeling the wind and the sun on your face in all its glory. Fuck yeah Mother Nature. The downclimb was really the most gruelling. They weren't joking when they said it was more tiring than the upclimb. My knees and joints were so fucking sore all the way until the bottom. Felt like just cutting my legs off and be done with it. Worse still, I had a corn on the bottom of my foot that hurt like a BITCH and I could feel every step of the way. Oh wells, at least I didn't die on that mountain, so sayonara Kinabalu.
Christmas was pretty uneventful so I'll just skip that.
Next thing was GRAVICAL. Was really excited actually to see Akiyo Noguchi she's been one of my favourite world cup climbers cos even though she's shorter as an Asian you can see she puts in a LOT of effort during competitions. ASIA REPRESENT. That, and she's so cute as a person. Went down all 4 days to support the team and congrats to [Vincent: For finally becoming INTER WONG], [Xin: For getting finals in her first Inter comp. I was a very very proud mama], [RahRah Yeoh: For nearly promoting during the same finals as well. That was a helluva performance. Open is waiting for her arrival very soon]. Special mention to Ryan Tay who was beasting during qualifiers and just missed out on promotion, and also to soon-to-be-married Coach Nic who scored semi-finals in Open. Open finals was on Sunday evening and it was INTENSE. No one completed Route 1 for both male and female. Hazlee got a bonus on Route 1 and that was only cos he was tall (legit). The first top came for the females from LITING <3 p="">
The crowd went wild cos that was the first route that ANYONE had finished. She eventually won the entire thing together with Adriel, which made me a very happy fanboy. Overall, Gravical was a super great 4 days. My only regret is that the rest of the team wasn't there for it.
Speaking of the team, I miss them so so much. I miss the trainings. I miss taking 48 with them to Little India MRT. I miss waiting for goddamn Matthias every single time. I miss staying way too late after training still climbing with them. And miss how we'd finally go to eat, clearing NTUC of all their soya milk at the same time. I miss the mock comps, how the guys would cheer on the girls and vice versa. I miss so much. But everyone's moved on. All the girls have work and don't come to climb at all after that. Even Jasmine found work lol. And the rest of the guys are just MIA nowadays. It's just left with Jia Zhi, Chen Zhi, Haziq and me to hold the fort. Sometimes Vincent and Gabriel come but it'll never be the same. I look back on my insta and blog posts last year during farewell and realise how WISHFUL I sounded. Even though back then I knew, deep down that everything has to change. It's the only constant in this world after all. And it doesn't make me angry or sad I just feel so full of regret. That why forge something so strong only for everyone to just fade away like it was never there to begin with. Mannnnn
It doesn't help that I having lots of doubts about this issue now. I think it's just the same thing as always, even though I WANT it to be different. To be something that actually matters to me. But I know, anyhow. It's just a manifestation of my own feelings of inadequacy. That I do care is one thing, but to care in that manner. Meh.
Anyhoooo~ Going of to Krabi tomorrow and I still haven't packed. Kinda excited but nervous also. First time going overseas with just friends. Here's to not dying! LOL
