I want to look back on 2016 as a good year but then I sorta realise that, well, I can't really remember it all. So what did I do with my life? As expected, NS took up a large portion of it, the high point being commissioning I guess. I don't think I'll forget that moment on the parade square, throwing the peak cap and then pumping my fist. No hugs, no laughter, just a simple "COME ON" and the relief that it was over. Relief. 8 Months later and here I am, with ORD in sight. I think my reaction after the peak cap throw is a little telling. I was never one to immediately turn to friends, and maybe it's coming to bite me in the back nowadays.
(I actually typed a whole other paragraph after this one but deleted it because trying to pretend that I want to make normal posts is just not me)
There's a reason why I hate evenings spent in Army the most. It is at that point that I've always felt at my lowest. Sometimes just scrolling through Instagram/Twitter, other times when I'm glad that I have something to keep my mind occupied. As the sun sets and you feel things start to fade. The shadows cast by the trees start to grow longer until it feels like it's suffocating you, both outside and inside. And it's that perpetual creeping into you, the pangs. The sky mirroring what's been inside you all along but in the day you bring out the moon inside you and pretend it's the goddamn sun, because a moonlit night is better than no moon at all. And you try to angle it so nothing casts a shadow but when you see with your eyes that evening always comes, that's when you give in to it. And for a moment it's spectacularly beautiful, the sunset. You try to push away what you hate so much about yourself to just feel nothing except appreciation. And it works, for a while at least. Once night comes though, you steel yourself because the moment of hope and looking forward is over, and you face the reality of it all. And the cycle resets when you go to sleep.
They say that cherry blossoms fall at 5 centimeters per second.
I wonder what's worse, that I used to care so much, or that it was never cared about in the first place. In years past I used to make an effort. Something simple at least. To show that I still had respect and appreciation. But sometimes you're just a cherry blossom, and that 5 centimeters per second adds up everyday, and after a while you're so far from where you started, looking up from the ground, wondering if you'll ever get back up.
Good Night
Got me runnin' other places in my mind,
How could you even say I never tried
