Centipede finished last week and I'm just so glad it's over. Surprisingly, I didn't feel that sian at all during the 8 days over in that island. Probably because I was too shag to even feel sian at all. There was no such thing as "downtime" during those days, only rushing here and running there. Looking back now, I can hardly remember what happened mostly during those 8 days. It was basically mission after mission after mission with no end in sight. The first day of NavEx started off so horribly already and it kinda set the tone for the rest of Centipede. I think the worst part is that I can't even say that it was worth it convincingly. Staying 8 days in the middle of an island and sacrificing my weekend (and my birthday to boot) was not something I'd look back on and go "I'd do it again". Sure, I picked up some skills during the Exercise, but that was all. Skills like setting up an ambush or a firefight which I won't even use in the future. Lessons? Things I learnt about myself? All I can give you in regards to that is a blank stare. So much of it was just going through the motions to get myself off that island faster.
Which brings me to my next point. I hate it here. I'm tired of acting like the camaraderie makes this whole shit worth it. I'm tired of acting like I became "stronger" somehow by going through all this training. The only reason why I'm staying is because the people make it somewhat bearable. Sure, there's the occasional enjoyable activity like UO or the time to chill like movie night after Centipede. But those things are few and far between. I hold so little actual interest in the things I'm learning now. I have to force myself to go through and learn things that I normally would not care about, simply because I chose to be here in OCS. It's my choice, and to regret it will only make the 9 months feel longer than it actually is. I wish I was learning about flight systems again. I wish I was moving on to Pro Term now. I wish that I was being taught to use the RC flight simulator instead. That I'd be in the familiar feeling of a No.3. That I'd have a wing above my left pocket instead of having to march 24km just for my beret. It seems like I want the easy way out now, it really does. And to a certain extent, the desire is true. At the end of the day, nobody cares what you did. Nobody tells you you did a good job leopard crawling up a 5 storey knoll. Nobody pats you on the back for digging for four days without sleep. There's no reward given for staying in the forest for 8 days without seeing any of the outside world. In all these cases, the reward is just finishing the thing itself. At the end, people look at your rank and respect it, regardless of what you did to earn it. And even then, the rank itself holds no weight unless you actually prove it not just to the people under you, but to the people outside as well. But if there's one thing I've really learned from Army, it's to suck thumb.
The last few days, there's been a creeping realisation that maybe I need some actual help. I don't know if I've just brushed this off for too long or I'm just attributing this to an uncomfortable environment. It started so long ago and took a nosedive after I did something so incredibly stupid I can't believe what I was thinking in the first place. Even now I wallow in this pathetic delusion of hope that people change and people realise, but I'm all the proof I need that shows otherwise. Until now I still coop myself up on the computer instead of spending time with my mom and thanking her and THIS REGRET. I feel so guilty but the next week everything repeats itself. And now, I no longer have that luxury of spending a few truly happy hours once in a while simply because.
Because its gone.
Good Night
I can't work it out
How going through the motions
