Help

You told me that I have to find my own happiness. And for those few days I did feel better. I think I still do feel better. But it does come creeping back sometimes. The other part of me which tries to constantly inject this intense sense of worthless-ness. I try to drown it out but at the end of the day when I'm alone on my bed trying to sleep, or going home with the earpieces in, it's there. Because one is the part that ones to fit in, and the other one is the part that's ashamed for it.

"Why?"
"I don't know"
"Why continue to do this when you're scared"
"Because I can't do anything for myself"
"And so? How does that help?"
"It doesn't"
"And that's because you'll just make things worse for yourself"
"I guess. Not just myself anyways"

Haha and then it goes back to thinking something could work for me in this respect. Eventually. Because the thing is that as much I can tell myself certain stuff, it helps a bit. But in the long run you still feel this sense of not inferiority, but more of just sitting back. And when nothing happens, that's when the wanting sets in. I want to say I can't help it. But I can.

Looking around though, everyone has their own problems. And it's true. We can help each other, but we're all so averse to it. We feel awkward. We feel intrusive. We feel apart. But then again, there are also other things. And I think that some people just don't need that help.

Thank God for this blog

Good Night

No it's not a good look

gain some self control

Team

A day since we've officially left VJRC. I don't know, I feel this really deep sense of sadness. Because I know that I've been part of something special. These people have literally changed my life. And they mean so much to me, in a different way that NCC has. And these 2 groups of people are the ones that have made me who I am today. And maybe that's why I feel so emotional about them. And it makes me regret so much more that we only have these 2 years together. It sucks because just when you figure out who you are, you only have 2 years to enjoy it with people who can be genuine about themselves. During farewell there was some things I wanted to say but Ms Ang started talking so I couldn't really say it. It's a bit late now haha so I think I'll put it here. The thing is that everyone kept wondering how and why we got so bonded and so close and I think the reason is what I mentioned earlier. We were so comfortable with each other we just didn't care about the judgement of the others. So we went crazy. We wore party hats during Christmas, we laughed at the fucked up rope burns we got, we threw people into fountains at Vivo (I keep bringing this up lol), we cursed and swore at each other. It's what made NCC so great and it made this great too. Because we became a band of brothers. Haha maybe it's cos every non-IP guy except for Haziq (ironically) was from a guy's school. Bring that mentality over and this is what you get lol. They're more than family to me. And I think part of the reason why I was so unhappy last year was because I never truly appreciated them. I regret that so much. But I take some happiness in how much I have, this year. When I let go of the past and embraced the present, that's when I found happiness. I found it in climbing with them. I found it in suffering with them. The hard work paid off not just in results but how much it brought us together. I don't have some long speech to say to them. It's different from the last time I graduated from a family because right now I can't even express it. I'm not a leader, or different from any of them, like last time. I'm just another one. Shit now I forgot what I wanted to say. Ok now I do. I think I'll end this part off by saying that I'm just really grateful that all of us found each other. And that I'm a really lucky person to have been part of NCC but now climbing as well. It feels like it's almost fated haha. I don't really believe in this destiny kind of thing, but hey

What are the chances?

Good Night :)

To the best people :)

Long live all the mountains we moved

I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you