Company

A short one because I really shouldn't be up at this time. Just really need to clear this shit out from my system. It's 1.50 as of posting this and I'll probably die in school tomorrow but fuck it. Oddly, the one time it hasn't happened when I'm blogging, but I guess for today it's understandable. Was hoping I'd have some.

A desolate wasteland

I don't know what's right to feel and what's wrong anymore. I get so, so fucking irritated and I know how irrational it is. It's bordering on childish jealousy. To throw such a stupid mental tantrum is just really, really stupid. And it's just so fucking, really fucking just. I can't just keep pretending can I. When I pretend that I never see anything all the time. And even though I know, I KNOW. I can't even say anything because it just sounds like some bloody stupid thing out of a goddamn book. Ok need to stop cursing so much. But yeah, the point being that, I go on the pretext of just playing the fool. And then reality hits and I know, but I put on this, this mask, and smile and laugh and just. But it really is foolish. This, belief that maybe there is a fairytale story out there. That sometimes miracles happen and everything you wish comes true. Yes it happens sometimes. But not for things like this. Never for things that can't be forced. That even if the truth is revealed, doesn't change much. If the outcome is favourable then yay all is good. But if reality is chosen, then what can one do but wallow and face the facts? Time to grow up. Time to know that all the effort in the world won't change the outcome. That no matter what I can never measure up. Just looking at the dubbing of one versus the other, you can tell. That there will always be a disparity and different ways of being viewed. And if what I suspect is true then all the more. Promises don't always work. And if this, muddle-ness is cos of. Other things that weigh on the emotion and not the tangible, then never mind then. Such a fucking nuisance 

Realising I actually really like Graham Swift's style of writing.

Proper post another time. Just clearing tonight.

Good Night

But if you close your eyes

Does it almost feel like nothing's changed at all?

Miracles

The piece of me I wish I didn't need

Great catching up session with Joshua today, but not gonna talk much about that.

Just found out today too that Cory Monteith passed away. Wasn't much of Glee person but he really gave the impression of being a genuinely good person. Time to learn. Live to love and love to live. Really makes you think of life. And the only reason why I would do something so outrageously stupid and risky. But this, this. I wouldn't be able to live with myself otherwise.

And everyone just. Just so much sadness and confusion. And to help all. Yes, friends are family. But who watches the Watchmen?

I guess it's just really more of trudging. And I keep running the possibilities, the scene in my head. How in a fantasy world, a disconcerting parallel reality, I come out the winner. And I wouldn't think of it even as winning. It's not even winning something, it's about. Happyness. About coming out of that situation smiling because for once maybe I had to guts to do something about this clawing away inside. But that's all smoke and mirrors innit. A fantasy. A childish fantasy. And maybe I delude myself by thinking that this is really what it's supposed to feel like. This constant nagging at the very core of your being. Of impending failure. That maybe if I showed how much it means it might change something. Or that this is the one. Thing that actually matters anymore. Like out of everything. Out of all this shit. That maybe this one thing is actually worth it? I don't know anymore. Still. A child's thinking and a child's wish. Nothing more. Because reality is different. And people break things all the time right? So why should anything personal be any different. The only outcome, the only possibility, ends in tatters. Ends in either the extremity of desolation or a compromise. That even if there is the compromise, it would still suck, because. The dangling carrot. The worm on the hook. I remember explaining it before. And why. I just hope I don't become one of them. The ones who were condemned to an eternity of just there. And sometimes I feel like you know. Come to think of it, you do realise. This position of pseudo-power that you hold. Because human emotion is fickle. And the sway one holds. Maybe you unconsciously do it. Self-affirmation. And maybe all it achieves in the end is someone else's destruction. But people move on too.

Time to join the crowd

Actually reminds me of how similar you two are. Though to be honest, it's much more conscious in one rather than the other. Maybe years, months ago I would have asked for your opinion. Your advice. And even if you weren't sure of an answer, I'd understand. Now you're just a shadow. Going around with your head in the clouds. And I know. Even you don't understand this. You don't understand WHY. Now, you'd give me an annoyed reaction because you wouldn't understand. So never mind then. Mentioned before, but it's really ironic that the one solution now is the whole problem.

It kinda is unfair though. To purposely denounce you mentally just so I have a reason to stop being so. fucking. childishly. hopeful.

This is getting uncannily coincidental.

Good Night

It may sound absurd but don't be naive

even heroes have the right to bleed