Disappointment

I guess I should be used to it by now. Post interview, PDS Comp, AIR Comp, Council, SSC... and now this. I'm not angry anymore. I just have to accept the fact that hey, I'm not good enough. Just. Not. Enough.

And I feel the feeling I can compare to most now is right after they did the final shortlist for Council. Because it just feels like I've wasted... everything. Wasted my time, wasted my effort. All down the drain. Working my ass off going to school nearly every week for meetings, painting the banner, open house... and it just feels so... ''AGHHHH'' Y'know what I mean? But I refuse to be disenchanted with NCC. It's still my life. Nothing's changed. I texted ma'am today to ask why I didn't get in. Just a form of... closure. To find out what went wrong, and if there's another chance for IACE, hey, I would've learnt something from the failure at Pearce. And indirectly, I guess my post had something to do with it. Contributions to the school. And she explained it rather eloquently, I must say. No surprise she's the DC lol. But ''what if''s are useless now. And hey, if other people benefit more, then all more I shouldn't take their place. And I mean that. If I looked at it another way, wouldn't be unfair if so many aero people got in, and I didn't just because I wasn't one? (Hypothetically speaking) So hey, that's life I guess.

But it's just that... indignant feeling because after coming down so many extra Saturdays for aero, it would've been nice to know someone appreciated it. I go for aero because I love it, and not for rewards or anything. But it would've just been... nice y'know? But who knows, it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

The ironic thing is, I never wanted to choose to skip confirmation camp. And I now it's not like I have any option. Go ahead and laugh at me, cos I know I want to. Maybe God wants me to go for the camp? He works in mysterious ways haha :)

I refuse to be turned into a sobbing mass of flesh. I believe something good will come out of this :)

And now, some COD to distract me

Good Night

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Choices

We are the choices we make - Mistress Coyle

A simple quote, yet one of the deepest ones. Love it :)

I guess everyone's had that 左右为难 situation before. If you haven't, I can only say lucky you. This isn't really about Pearce (Which, by the way, I still haven't gotten the results for). It's more in general. The choices you make, make YOU. To leap, or to hold back. To lash out, or to calm down. To stand up for the right thing, or 若无其事. (Homygod I'm using chinese. Someone check if the sky turned green). I've been tearing my hair up. Just moody over the last few days. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Maybe. But it's hard to tell with both things so close to you. I'll just leave it up to God I guess.

Which comes to the exact point Steve Jobs made. People DO NOT KNOW what they actually want. Like the example in RTS. When people with irrevocable situations were happier than those who could alter the outcome. Yet they still felt they'd prefer to be able to change the situation. Like a serious ''wow'' moment. People have no idea what they truly want. Blame it on society, or maybe the human brain is just too conplex for us to truly understand our own nature. It's said that we only use 1% of our total brain power. Einstein used 2%. Imagine the possibilities of fully utilising the complete extent of the human brain. Philosophical debates on a new scale, time/interstellar travel, cures for terminal diseases. If only...

And I guess that's what it'll remain as. A big ''IF''...

And btw, it's all your fault. If that person's gone, it's your fault.

Sigh... sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy. Or imagining too much. I hope you understand, if the time really does come. But for now, I'll pretend to remain an ignorant little prick.

Had the TOC POP selection today. Only other aero guy was Kelvin, who applied for colours RSM. Saw Aida also :P Conducting Spec got 6 people, including me and Ze Bin. Before the test was kinda confident. But when the sir start testing the rest I suddenly hardcore nervous lol. Then come my turn I screwed up the first drill -.- pissed at myself so I just shout out the rest. Now my frigging throat hurts. On the bright side, it wasn't wasted and I got in. Lucas didn't, and Ze Bin's the reserve. Lol there were absolutely no Sea people there. So some Land guys had to take the Sea posts.

Feel really bad about possibly missing out on half of the first day of Leadership Camp. I practically missed half of Annual Camp. Feels like I'm abandoning my part ._.

Oh well

Good Night

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RTS

Finished Romance to Sex today. I guess I feel pretty neutral about it. Some parts more helpful than other parts. But overall, generally useful. Although I've been feeling a bit more cranky over the weekend. Don't know whether it's cos of this though o.O

I've got alot on my mind. The talk maybe confused up some parts. But hey, it didn't really clear anything up. And it's just that battle of common sense thing I think. Whether to take that leap of faith, or focus on the present. See lah, just now I got alot of things to say. Now forget all already -.- I'm not exactly an open book. I prefer to do the reading of others. Psychology has always fascinated me. The power of understanding, the power of manipulation with just a few minutes of thinking. Sounds kinda scary haha. I'm not an Okonkwo (look at me, making Lit references. Pfft) per se, but I wouldn't really tell anyone anything. I'd rather you be able to tell from my own actions. Attention seeking? I guess so. But there's a reason I said ''sensitive'' earlier today. Because that's what I've been lacking all along. And I've just been running. Afraid to face up, and then just act like I don't know

It's probably cos of the sleep, or rather, the lack of it.

Pearce Airbase interview results coming out tomorrow. I think I can get in, but then it provides another conundrum, because I'll be missing confirmation camp. And I can't say I'm totally ok with that. Partly also because I kinda enjoyed myself over the weekend, if you ignore the silent mindfucks I've been doing to myself. And confirmation camp may be like that. Also, I'd have to go for a replacement camp with another church. Best case senario would be I know about 1 person there. But at most, probably 2 only.

Ah well. I hope I know what to do in the end. Make the right choice.

Good Night

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