Moving

You'd think that after As I'd be blogging a lot more, but strangely I've been kind of occupied the last couple of days. Partly cos I've been playing Osu a lot of the late nights I normally blog, and partly cos I've been coming home a bit later or staying out overnight. Ah well. I'm tired as fuck but I really need to get this off.

Prom was 2 days ago and was actually surprisingly fun. The MC did a terrific job and the events and shit were mostly entertaining. Man I wish I'd win something in a lucky draw at least once. The only thing was that the food was pretty bland and took fucking ages to arrive. Because of this a lot of people just went outside to talk so it was actually pretty empty inside the ballroom most of the times. Speaking of people, had a table together with the rest of S53. Ah, wasn't the best of times everyone kept going off (mostly the councilors) so it was a bit awkward with no food and not many people at the table. Thing ended okay took some pictures before leaving for the hotel that the climbers booked. Got the alcohol but quickly realised that it was a bit too much when I reached there cos I was buying for everyone when it turns out that only 5 of us were drinking and furthermore only 3 of us were taking more than 3 cups. Tried to tank because I wanted to finish the alcohol but died pretty fast (RIP). Threw up and just crashed till the next morning. It was legit quite fun though, sharing a hotel room with those guys. Put on some music and just forgot about all our shit for a while.

Had to wake up early the next morning to send Zhi Ming off. Since I bought the alcohol the previous night I was the one who had to bring it back with me T_T Went straight to Pasir Ris MRT where Zhi Ming was supposed to take the shuttle bus from. Can't believe he's already enlisted hahaha but it's okay I'm looking forward to all his stories when he comes out. Gave him a shot to down before he boarded and apparently his whole face became damn red.

I realised that night as well that I like to shoot my mouth off a lot and I guess it's because I kind of know that when it comes down to the wire I'm just not up to a lot of things. I've never had an innate talent for anything. I achieve some vague sense of competency by learning as much as I can (if I'm motivated for it) and applying it rigorously. But when it comes to other things where I can't do that, I tend to just fall on my face and reveal the vast amount of idiocy I have at my disposal.

Went to the class chalet after taking a nap. Reached when they were halfway through dinner so just kinda lepaked for the entire time until like 12 when we decided to watch a movie. Jun Yu had this massive movie collection so we watched Kick-Ass 2 and The A Team. Funnily enough only Hazel and me were more or less awake, The rest were about the crash already while watching the A Team which was pretty amusing. Nigel also sobered up so he and Wei Xuan joined us to just sit outside afterwards with Joey also. Had about 2 hours plus to sunrise so we tried to set up a game of poker. Didn't have money or shit on us so we just used fake money by typing the amounts into our phones. (Yes it was my brilliant idea). Went to sit up on the roof after that to try and catch the sunrise but it was quite fail because we weren't facing the direction. So the full sunrise was blocked by the chalets on the right of us. In any case, was a pretty cool thing:)

It's nice to spend a night with people, even if you're not particularly close to them. Then again there's 2 sides to a coin. There's a lot of unwanted thoughts that go with that. It was kind of frustrating in a sense, that night. Because as much as I just wanted to just relax with the rest I also wanted to open up to someone but there's still a distance. It's the beach view that does it I swear haha. I've never actually been close to the class, and that's all on me. So I guess I'd just have to deal with it and maybe hope things do get better. I'm not saying it was a bad time. On the contrary, it WAS something I enjoyed a lot in just being able to chill for a whole night. But it stings a bit to be left out of certain things as well, which was kind of funny in an awkward way seeing us scrubs just sitting around in the living room at one point in time. And that's what I've been afraid of and I'm finally able to articulate it. I'm afraid of being left behind. Everyone's moving on with their lives and I'm just stagnant, I want things to remain as they are. When people reminisce about past memories I act as if I'm above that and think they're the ones who can't let go when in fact I'm the one who just doesn't want to change. I'm so afraid while I've just been waiting and waiting and it seems that life is moving on without me and so are the people in it. Last night was almost a so close yet so far moment. It's so STUPID but just sitting in that spot during the movie made me realise it'd actually be nice to stop just live for something more, a better purpose if you will. And it sounds so, so, so cliche but hell that's what you get for doing stupid shit.

And it really makes me wonder

Good Night

Cause we could be immortals

Debilitation

Been a month since my last post, right before As started. About time I updated this :P

Made a montage over the last few weeks here if anyone wants to check it out.

Said this to a few people but I'll just repeat it here. "How was A levels?" To be honest I really, really don't care how I do for As. I was never motivated for it, just pressured by everyone else. So for me I guess it's kinda like if I do well good then, if I don't do well then I've already accepted it. Just gonna quickly run through it for now. I'm actually quite unsure about GP. I've never done that well for past years' compres and thus time round it seems the worst so far. On the flipside, the essay I wrote was one of the ones I'm happiest with. Helped that the school spotted roughly along the same idea for the mock exam so I retained quite a few points and managed to expound on them more easily. Math was a fuckin TERROR. Ohmygod. The first paper was like a goddamn prelim paper, and the 2nd paper was tricky as shit. Prepared to get a B, although I think an A IS possible. Still. Was hoping the paper would be better but what happened happened. Lit was decent overall. Extremely standard topics came out for P3, although P1 was pretty weird in terms of the phrasing of the question. Couldn't really formulate a good argument so I smoked a lot through the 2 text based. For Econs, personally felt the case study was pretty manageable even though a lot of people said it was difficult. Meh, I always can't really anticipate stuff for Econs so I'll just leave it as it is. Physics was actually pretty decent cos the paper rather easy I felt. Fell short on time for MCQ but overall I think an A isn't unrealistic. Then again, the bell curve might shift quite a bit because it was easier.

Been binging so much on anime since it all ended. Haven't had much to do at home if I'm not climbing. Not really going out a lot except maybe for a movie here and there. Been catching up on the Tokyo Ghoul manga, the first time I've ever bothered to try reading one. More of an animation kind of person rather than stills but the story's good enough to keep me going. Encountered my first "forced" anime in A Certain Magical Index. By "forced" I mean that it was kind of the first series I didn't really enjoy and had to push myself to finish simply because I didn't wanna drop my first series. The characters were really bland and the lack of a clear overarching plot was also a turnoff. The plot jumping from place to place also was pretty irritating. The only saving grace was Misaka Mikoto and Accelerator in the Sisters arc. The characterisation of those 2 was nice to see, and Misaka's a pretty cool chick too. Hopefully A Certain Scientific Railgun will be better since Misaka's the MC in that. Started on Spice and Wolf after that and was a welcome change. I'm a sucker for a good romance and this was it. Holo and Lawrence are like the cutest couple and they make me feel warm and fuzzy haha. Holo is astoundingly cute~~ Then again, if season 2 ends unfinished I'm gonna be so salty but apparently that's how it is. Guess I'll move on to the light novels if there's a hole in my heart after this. Would talk about SAO II but maybe another day, been ranting enough on anime already haha.
 

  Just gonna leave a gif here 

This is how the first Hunger Games should have ended (isn't this adorable)

Sigh

I knew this was gonna happen but to actually be feeling it now is something else. The post As nothingness is really... it sounds like a first world problem and honestly, I AM grateful that I'm not rotting away in a library everyday. But this emptiness hits hard when there's nothing else out there to look forward to. Army's in 6 months and even then I have no idea what I'm doing. That, and the loneliness is crushing. I think I'm beginning to understand old people feel. And I'm not even kidding. For me I guess you look around and it seems like paradise, but all you're doing is feeding the fruits to the people in it. Heck, just today I was counselling a guy I've never met and don't even know the name of about his recent breakup. It sounds so hypocritical, so PRETENTIOUS, to attempt to know what it's like. And I did it over the fucking League client. God. This is fucked up. I think God's watching though. Whitney sent a message just at the right time and I can't begin to express how much better that made me feel. People still do care, and it's nice to know, so thank you again :)

Hope my wrist heals by Friday. I miss climbing with the IPs 

Good Night

I found a way

Over the fear and through the flames

Struggling

It's been a while and I've a lot to get out so I'll try to start somewhere.

I think it's really quite funny that last time, I used to have lotsa problems with my parents. I was an angsty kid. I still kind of am to be honest. And when I had an issue or blew up over something I'd turn to my friends. They used to be the ones I'd fall back on. Tell me not to be an idiot. Calm me down and stuff. And as time passes now, you realise the flaws within your friends too. It sounds so... arrogant, I know. But it's kind of true isn't it. This time though, I can't really say that I'm surprised. The fact that I've been thinking about it the last few days just goes to show what I feel about it already. You keep telling how you dislike the fact that I hang out a lot with some people, but those people are more of my brothers and friends than you'll ever be. So if you are serious about it then so am I, and you can really just fuck off from my life thank you very much.  I hope you rot once you go in.

Just finished Gurren Lagann last night. I now officially have a new favourite series. Or at least, it's up there with Avatar. I love everyone of the characters so much. I guess I have a thing for outwardly kiddish and ridiculous, but are actually pretty mature shows. One point that I really liked was that Yoko was never the main love interest or anything. And it's sad, you know, how she ends up. She loses both Kamina and Kittan after they kiss, and it's just damn heartbreaking. At first you'd think she's only there for fanservice, but as the show goes on she becomes someone you love just as everyone else. Rossiu is also fascinating. The politics, leadership. DECISIONS. It makes or breaks a man. Initially he comes off as a cunt but then you eventually see that everyone is HUMAN. I can't express how much this show has made an impact on me. It isn't just a show that makes you think. It's a show that makes you FEEL. And those are the best kinds of shows. I fucking love anime, and I fucking love Gurren Lagann.

10 Days left.

Good Night

Sorry for the influx of Jap songs :3

All the while with numb fingers,

I searched for the answer to a brilliant world

Infectious

Starting to like house music a lot lately, especially Tobu's music. Gives a really happy, carefree vibe :) Plus it's catchy (if you can call it that)

Haven't posted since 3 weeks ago since prelims started. To be honest, I have no idea how it went. It felt as if like I prepared, but was not prepared at the same time. At least not the preparation level of the prelims right before Os. Don't know if it's just an A levels thing or I'm not doing enough. Screwed up Physics damn badly, except maybe Paper 1 (Save me please). I think the 3 paper format really threw off my time management. Other subject's were okay for the most part.

Been binge watching anime since prelims ended. Feels almost as if it's post As already but sadly it's not. Took the last few days off, today being the last. The struggle begins again starting tomorrow. Finished like 3 anime seasons over 4/5 days lol. The best one I think has been Sword Art Online. Got into it because I saw some "Best Girl" contest on the anime subreddit and Asuna was in the finals haha. Can safely say it's one of my favourite series. It reminds me a lot of Avatar. That, and the romance is really really sweet *sighhhhh*. And it's not just action, but also explores other themes which make it more diversified and interesting :P Asuna and Kirito are legit OTP, they seem like a married couple already. Add Yui in and it seems even more so. It's one of those shows that made me think too.

I don't know if it's good or bad though. I used to not give a shit about a lot of things. Too many things. And now I feel like I actually want to do something with my life. I guess there's an irony in sitting at home by yourself the whole day finding out what other people did. I think it'd be nice, living in a cabin beside a lake with someone, like Asuna and Kirito and Yui. And just for that moment that would be your world and reality.

Ah well.

How could I forgot to mention Worlds over the weekend. Been one of the most enjoyable events this year. Seeing the matches from home and live is a whole new experience. The players up on stage, the crowd cheers, and all the personalities in person. Really happy to have gone for it. Managed to catch: C9, Alliance, Travis (he's really chill), Sjokz and Susie Kim. Sjokz and Susie are so pretty in person haha. Managed to talk to Travis and Susie about esports media too, which kinda inspired me to do something about it as well. Always thought of going into media and communications, but doing esports would be my pinnacle of that. If the GPL grows and becomes better maybe I'd try to do some writing on it. But for now, focusing on A levels first. I really hope this dream comes true for me. I'd do so much for it :)

Good Night

It's tempting to close your eyes

And turn from the world

Remembering

The funny thing about it is that I was waiting for it you know. And when at first I saw a blip I smiled to myself and checked. But then maybe it was just that something else was just going on so okay. And then again everyone's busy. But still... It's a small thing I'm getting worked up over but that's usually the case anyway. At this point I don't think it's about continuing anything, but more of the past nostalgia. Haha maybe there is a legit reason, but I can't say I'm not a teensy little bit :( 

Went to Onsight last Friday to get my climbing fix. Not climbing for like 3 weeks made me really jumpy and like ADHD haha. Couldn't sit still that type. Was nice to finally release all that pent up shit and let loose for a bit. Think the hangboard really helped a lot. Still had okay form and finger strength. Did mostly V1-V2s and a coupla V3s and V4s. (Don't really like this new grading system but w/e). Oddly enough, still had quite a bit of strength left after 2 hours. Normally it's my forearms that are the first to give up during a session. Ended up getting my fingers so raw haha. Had a really nice talk with Cheng Cheng, Matt and Xin over dinner. Talked about lotsa shit about the team and learnt a few unsavoury things about others along the way too. But those are things of the past, although I guess it also shows how quick people are to judge sometimes. 

Pretty short today because I think that's kind of all I wanted to say. Just a little rant. And also cos it's prelims period (hah) and nothing much else has been going on. 

A lot changes in such little time eh. 

Good Night

When the moment is just right

You see fire in their eyes

Preliminary

Haven't posted in a while eh :P Didn't really have the mood to do up a post in the last few weeks. Been pretty burned out from school even though I haven't really put in that much. Prelims started today with GP. The essays were surprisingly more straightforward than previous times. Defaulted to my international politics topic to bullshit on. Compre was screwed up, even worse than CT2. Felt like the passage itself was not too complicated but by God the questions were so hard. Especially AQ. Fuck AQ. Fuck that wannabe essay that always cannot make it and so have to chill with its cousin the summary paragraph. Anyways, hope I can at least maintain my GP grade. It's the only thing I have going for me (can't remember how many times I've said this).

Come to think of it now, I'm not really sure why I started this post to begin with. Routine? Haha. Had a good chat with Ernest the other day about Korra and things related to Larkin stuff. Was nice to really let out a lot of my inner thoughts, though it was on the bus so it was kinda weird at the same time haha. I think it's odd that for some reason I hold back a lot of stuff I'd like to say out but I guess it sounds weird aloud? Like for instance the comfort I feel in solitude. I feel like my mind's growing faster than my body can. As much as I feel like it'd be nice to have somebody to care about more than yourself, being alone is a strange peace which I enjoy. Was telling Ernest that if I really don't end up getting married to someone I'd like to be the wise dude who says the weirdest shit but it somehow makes sense in the end. Like Iroh! :D "There is always time for tea". I think that would be pretty cool. Speaking of Korra, Book 3 just ended and holy shit the FEELS ARE STRONG. That, and I found The Last Airbender subreddit. Sigh I miss the original season. I wish this franchise would last forever but sadly I don't think it'll go past Korra. The thing I love with Avatar is just how personable the characters are. The creators really did a commendable job with this. The Gaang and Krew really make you feel like you'd want to hang out with them. It almost feels as if you grow up with them as the show progresses. Especially the original TLA, where they travelled around and you see Aang grow from a kid to a man. I'd love for them to end this off with an episode covering each of the original characters up until their deaths. Especially Iroh :')

Well that was pretty off-tangent and stuff but I guess that's it. Got to Diamond too so yay :)

Good Night

Love this :D

I stay up too late

Got nothing in my brain

Beliefs

I think the reason why people go off the edge is because their beliefs tend to get shattered as you grow up. When everything you thought was set and dry turns out to not be so simple, it tends to make you really unsure about a lot of things. I think Robin William's suicide really hit that point home. Normally I'm not the kind to get super emotional about a celebrity's passing away, but this time it was different. He's been the guy whose movies made you laugh. Who made your childhood a little more wise. Who made yourself a little more caring. And to think he suffered so much inside is just something no one can really comprehend. And that's what they don't tell you. You grow up believing the happy person is always happy. You believe war ends with people shaking hands and saying sorry. You believe that friends are for life. You believe love is as simple as just liking someone.

You believed.

    And I guess when these things don't turn out to be as true as you thought they were, it tends to alter your perspective of other things. I don't want to be an old fogey (the irony in that phrase), but I really do think Larkin portrays us as humans and our condition so well. The innate longing we feel, routine, hatred, religion, seriousness. That's what separates us from mindless machines though. It's the suffering that makes us feel alive. Maybe as someone grows older you tend to see the flaws in everyone and everything else, and most of all yourself. And then you kinda learn to live with it. The thing is, will you change the "Dear Warlock Williams, I'm afraid-" to "Dear Warlock Williams, why of course-" 

    I think I'd like to end off by saying that, sometimes I do wish that I'd say "of course" too. And that I hope that everyone still has each other :)

    Good Night 

Just an old song :)

It's been a long long time since everything's been cool

Help

You told me that I have to find my own happiness. And for those few days I did feel better. I think I still do feel better. But it does come creeping back sometimes. The other part of me which tries to constantly inject this intense sense of worthless-ness. I try to drown it out but at the end of the day when I'm alone on my bed trying to sleep, or going home with the earpieces in, it's there. Because one is the part that ones to fit in, and the other one is the part that's ashamed for it.

"Why?"
"I don't know"
"Why continue to do this when you're scared"
"Because I can't do anything for myself"
"And so? How does that help?"
"It doesn't"
"And that's because you'll just make things worse for yourself"
"I guess. Not just myself anyways"

Haha and then it goes back to thinking something could work for me in this respect. Eventually. Because the thing is that as much I can tell myself certain stuff, it helps a bit. But in the long run you still feel this sense of not inferiority, but more of just sitting back. And when nothing happens, that's when the wanting sets in. I want to say I can't help it. But I can.

Looking around though, everyone has their own problems. And it's true. We can help each other, but we're all so averse to it. We feel awkward. We feel intrusive. We feel apart. But then again, there are also other things. And I think that some people just don't need that help.

Thank God for this blog

Good Night

No it's not a good look

gain some self control

Team

A day since we've officially left VJRC. I don't know, I feel this really deep sense of sadness. Because I know that I've been part of something special. These people have literally changed my life. And they mean so much to me, in a different way that NCC has. And these 2 groups of people are the ones that have made me who I am today. And maybe that's why I feel so emotional about them. And it makes me regret so much more that we only have these 2 years together. It sucks because just when you figure out who you are, you only have 2 years to enjoy it with people who can be genuine about themselves. During farewell there was some things I wanted to say but Ms Ang started talking so I couldn't really say it. It's a bit late now haha so I think I'll put it here. The thing is that everyone kept wondering how and why we got so bonded and so close and I think the reason is what I mentioned earlier. We were so comfortable with each other we just didn't care about the judgement of the others. So we went crazy. We wore party hats during Christmas, we laughed at the fucked up rope burns we got, we threw people into fountains at Vivo (I keep bringing this up lol), we cursed and swore at each other. It's what made NCC so great and it made this great too. Because we became a band of brothers. Haha maybe it's cos every non-IP guy except for Haziq (ironically) was from a guy's school. Bring that mentality over and this is what you get lol. They're more than family to me. And I think part of the reason why I was so unhappy last year was because I never truly appreciated them. I regret that so much. But I take some happiness in how much I have, this year. When I let go of the past and embraced the present, that's when I found happiness. I found it in climbing with them. I found it in suffering with them. The hard work paid off not just in results but how much it brought us together. I don't have some long speech to say to them. It's different from the last time I graduated from a family because right now I can't even express it. I'm not a leader, or different from any of them, like last time. I'm just another one. Shit now I forgot what I wanted to say. Ok now I do. I think I'll end this part off by saying that I'm just really grateful that all of us found each other. And that I'm a really lucky person to have been part of NCC but now climbing as well. It feels like it's almost fated haha. I don't really believe in this destiny kind of thing, but hey

What are the chances?

Good Night :)

To the best people :)

Long live all the mountains we moved

I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you

Evaluation

It seems like I can't even really talk much about anything now. Either nothing happens, or things just repeat itself lol. Kind of ironic how I'm just repeating so much shit when I post. Spent another Saturday doing absolutely nothing again. Revving up my studying again I think. Kind of. Was talking to Jia Zhi about how it feels so long in between climbing, even though it's only a week. Endurance really quite bad now so gotta work on that. I miss leading with the team so much :( I miss the days when Haziq, Jia Zhi and I would spam that yellow route on the speed wall until we were so elated at finishing that shit in one go after 6 months. I miss bouldering until I couldn't feel my forearms anymore. I miss getting flappers (Ok maybe I don't). I miss all the near rope burns from overhang falls. I miss the feeling of clipping in the anchor. I miss last year. I miss being happy.

Sigh. It's just 14 more weeks, starting tomorrow. It's gonna feel like an eternity. But after that maybe I can look forward to the next day again.

CT2 has been pretty brutal and completely lopsided. Have gotten back everything except for Lit now (that's probably gonna be next week). As it stands it's a BES_/B. Almost got my first A of my JC life with GP. Stuck up at 68 cos my compre was a bit disappointing. Well on the bright side, it's one less subject to worry about. Actually the ONLY subject I don't really worry about. Econs was really really disappointing though. Put a lot of effort into it but I guess my essay writing for econs just... sucks. Lol. Decided to practise essays and pass them to Mr Lum every week to work on that. Hope I do well for Lit. A C would be pretty nice to improve on CT1 overall.

Realising I'm just enticed by the idea of it rather than it itself now aren't I. Time to admit certain things.

Good Night

I miss the taste of sweet life

Caves

It's been tiring to be honest. I feel like I've really lost all motivation after CTs. Which is this weird kind of stasis where I feel like mugging really hard but not doing anything at all lol. I blame this on the fact that there isn't really homework per se now. So now after school there isn't really the pressure to do work :P I just laze around mostly and wish I went climbing instead. I think it's a bit of that too hah. I feel like climbing more for some reason. Maybe to get the stress off a bit. The last few sessions climbing have been pretty fun actually. It's nice to just climb without a structured training schedule. Planning our own routes is nice too. That, and the fact that I can feel myself climbing better has totally replaced my motivation to study lol. It's like it shifted from studying to climbing, which is stupid because I need to sacrifice all worldly pleasures for the next 16 weeks.

Cmon man. 

It's been pretty mundane I think. And the fear's coming back. The fear that everyone's just gonna leave now that we're done. And after all we've been through so far. Sheesh. That's why it sucks being so attached to people after a while. I know that it may not happen, and it probably won't. But irrational fear is still irrational, and it's still there. Also, the fact that I still dwell on lots of stupid things isn't helping. If it was just that I think it'd be okay. But it's not. It's the FUCKED up thoughts that pass through your mind. The intrusive ones. The ones you want out of your fucking mind but you somehow think of that shit again. And again. And everywhere you look you make yourself sad because holy shit there's nothing to be sad about. That what the fuck it's completely okay to and yet why do you PINE for that? Now it's only telling yourself

Things could be worse after all, so move forward. 

Good Night

 At the end of the day

Some you win some you don't 

Brink

I don't like Saturdays, in a way. They're spent whiling the day away at home on my computer. Well I could do something about it but now, what's there to do? It's the quietness speaking again. The thoughts in your head. Then again, was sick the whole of today. Ah well. My tailbone still hurts from yesterday after falling from the first clip before clipping in. That, and my whole body feels so lethargic. I haven't felt this tired and weak in while. Maybe it's a sign.

I wish I could talk to someone about this who could understand the whole situation. Well I think some people do, just that I'm scared of just opening up. I think that since I can't really say it now it feels a bit worse. Because as much as I want to, it'd just be selfish wouldn't it? It doesn't benefit you or anyone else. Just myself. And it'd just screw things up. This has been one of the weirder things that's happened so far. It's good though, one of the things that's kept me kinda content. Then again, maybe I just didn't see it last time? On purpose? Was just kinda scared of something going wrong, and that I was gonna just land up as how I usually end up. Those were good opportunities too. But now that I think of it again, maybe I was just overthinking at the time. That in fact nothing existed at all. Hmmm... haha well I'll never know now will I?

It feels weird now. Everything feels weird and surreal. I feel like I've surrendered to the nothingness but then sometimes I feel so

Hopeful?

A weird and confusing coupla days indeed

Good Night

Some things will never be different

Sickness

Welp it's kinda late now but I should probably get this post done soon, or it'll never happen. Feeling unwell so I'll keep it a bit shorter.

Boulderactive was over the last weekend. Haha I swear I'm getting worse at handling disappointment even though I should be getting better at it. Or maybe I am? I'm just hung up over stuff as usual. The comp was held at Funan Mall. Novice qualifiers were on Friday morning so had to wake up pretty early to get down to the City Hall area. Was put in detail 6 along with most of the other VJ peeps. Jovan, Ziq, and Anthony iirc. Funny thing happened that Andy Su thought he was in detail 16 and went out. Luckily since he registered they still could shift him to a later detail. Climb starts and I focus into competition mindset. I think one of the biggest and most useful things I've learnt this year under Nic has been maintaining focus during competitions. The ability to clear your mind and make sound judgements really counts especially when it comes down to attempts. Did the routes in order of 2-1-3-4-5-6. Had a bit of a shaky start from the first route when I missed my swing out to the next foothold. Managed to react in time and use the volume to keep tension with the wall. Route 1 was a tricky balance route that really pushed my patience haha but pulled a flash off in the end. Route 3 was relatively straightforward. 4 was the hard one I think. Required a LOT of clarity when it came to your own beta, as well as a degree of finger strength. Managed to match hands properly with a toe hook and finish off. Route 5, straightforward as well. Only thing was the match hand into heel hook, but the heel itself was stable and the next moves weren't hard too. Last was route 6; a jumpstart into static balance which needed a shoulder-y lock off move to the bonus hold. Managed to flash a bonus but even after 3 tries, failed to top the route. This was the bane of my climb. Couldn't stop imagining myself finishing it on the first try, which I could have if I had trusted my feet more and committed to the move. Ah well. 5 flashes and a bonus came out of the climb. Quite happy with my comp performance, even though I still rue the wasted finals and promotion opportunity. Vincent was even sadder though, holding 8th place until the last few details, missing out finals by an even smaller margin. I think the routes were a bit too easy for this year, especially considering the amount of people participating. Oh well, 17th place isn't that bad when I think about it, since that placing includes those not in Novice (*cough*Gavin*cough*). Still looking to improve, so here's to Gravical next year.

Went out to Sentosa on Monday's school holiday with the bunch too. Had a super duper awesome time getting sunburnt/almost sunburnt and playing with them. Our first outing which wasn't related to climbing hehe, and hopefully won't be our last. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to have been part of this team :)

I think I'll end off on this happy note. Good things shouldn't be spoiled. A post for another time perhaps.

Good Night

Now dance, fucker, dance

Man, I never had a chance

Opportunities

GOD HELP ME this is such a fucking joke I can't. I don't even care if this doesn't make sense anymore I swear I'm fucking going over the edge soon. WHY GOD. WHY THE FUCK DID I NEED TO BE CURIOUS. HOLY SHIT in this case I'd rather be just an ignorant fuck. I probably won't be able to sleep well tonight if I can't get this shit out of my system. And it's Boulderactive tomorrow.

Sigh

I can't even be frustrated or angry anymore. Not at other things but just myself. It's just sad. This whole thing is just so. Fuck. I haven't let myself down to this state for a while. Not last year. Never just wallowed in my fucking tears. You know what the worst part is. The worst part is I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to do. Now that I find out and I realise how fucked up I feel now, it's clear to me. And the thing is I could have done something. All those times I just didn't wanna be seen as nothing and now what's happened. Such a coward such a nothing such a piece of fuck. And there's no use feeling sorry now. No use feeling sorry for myself. You know why? Because now I'm going to be happy. Happy for others. Tell them good job and congratulate them and pretend NOTHING'S WRONG. But by now all's wrong. I'm going to smile as always and tell myself "well shit maybe you should have not been a retard" and even after HOPING cos that's all I can do. Hope takes you nowhere. 

Fuck I'm just so scared now. Angry. Fucking frustrated. Fuck cos things changed but I have to act like they didn't. And now it's so hard to act normal because every. single. fucking. second i just want to do something to feel dead inside completely.

But I can't. 

I wish I was a tree. 

Good Night 

The deep end

We're swimming with the sharks until we drown

Forge

One of the fewer times I'm posting while outside now. Sitting here at NLB and my half-done notes are lying there on the table and I can't get any motivation to continue anymore

Which kinda extends to the everything else now.

It's June and half the year is gone and CTs is in 1.5 weeks and all I can think about is what happens after which should be continuing to study but everything just boils down to nothing now (hooray run-on sentences). I just want to climb and get better but even now climbing serves no longer as an inspiration but a distraction. I want to climb for the wrong reasons and everything I want to do now is for the wrong reasons. I know it's stress I'm feeling now and oh my God help me. There is no longer any sense of achievement and I constantly wonder why I'm doing all this. At least in sec 4 after getting my stuff dome I'd feel happy about accomplishing something. Now it's just a sense of "yeah I'm done, so fucking what?". Why can't I just retire from being a student. Why can't I be like the fisherman from this story.

And to top it off I still haven't dealt with this shit. Fuck lah seriously. I don't even know what I know anymore. Was talking to Haziq about self-awareness the other day and he said he'd rather be self-aware. Tbh I'd rather too, but it just drives you deeper into the own stuff you think of, and then you land up hating yourself so so much. And no amount of company drives out this intense self-loathing because you yourself can't change anything about it. And right now I just wish I never knew anyone like that because Edge of Tomorrow showed it so clearly. That the more you know someone the harder it is to make yourself happy because that becomes the lowest priority. Everyone else takes precedence and then when the point comes where we're forced to be selfish we can't because now everyone doesn't care about everyone else and themselves as well. There is no more care left and all there is remaining is the empty shell of everyone. And we all need help and ask for it but everyone just curls up into a fucking porcupine don't they. Maybe at the end of the year I'll do something. Maybe I'll get the same result. Maybe it'll have died down by then. 

I don't know what to do.

Back to studying

Good Night

And the backs of my eyes blur with things I've never done

Inches

I'd thought by now I'd be used to this feeling. After Os, after so many things I can't remember anymore.

Pumpfest 2014 probably my best and at the same time worst showing for bouldering so far. It's true though, what everyone's been saying and repeating. Expect less and gain more. All I wanted for this was to do well and I guess I'm honestly quite happy with my improvement. From consistently being last in the team for boulder comps to 18th overall and 4th (iirc) in the team. Determined to come back stronger for Boulderactive. Kinda scared though, that if I put too much pressure on myself I might not be able to focus. But I think I'll leave that for a later time. Then again happy doesn't necessarily mean satisfied too. The worst is not to have done badly, it's to do well yet knowing you could have done better. Sigh :P A bit disappointed in myself for not keeping my cool on route 3. If I'd just concentrated instead of panicking and anyhow whacking the route, I would've been able to top it and earn myself a spot in the finals and promotion into Inter. But what's done is done. Really happy for those that did get promoted. Hope to join you guys soon :)

On another note, I don't know why I'm getting jealous over such a thing. It's not like it was ever mine to cherish in the first place. And again I know why I'm thinking this way, but knowing and doing are 2 separate things. It all boils down to the same things again, and it just gets worse and worse because the one true remedy for this is more or less the affliction. And I do try, you know. I try to do to others what I would like in return. But maybe it takes a bit more than that. To try and spread a little less sadness and a little more love, care, happiness, comfort. God. Damn. It. Wish I wasn't so... idk. So scared. So aware. And yet just so willing but unable to do something about this.

Because it take two to tango.

Good Night

I got my mind made up and I can't let go

I'm killing every second til it sees my soul

Isolation

If only I could make it to isolation for Novice finals in Pumpfest next week haha, but not what I'm talking about.

I guess it's hard to stay in a landscape as flat as the Fenlands (heh). And only now do I realise why books like Waterland and Larkin's poetry appeal to so many people. Because it articulates what we can't. It puts into words all these conflicting emotions that hound us inside so we can actually make sense of something in this fucking place. Because at some point in time you begin to feel the bleakness of everything. Haha god this is so embarrassing but I don't care. You try to feel happy about a lot of things and for the moment you are, but then while you're in that mood you see the happiness of others and for some reason.... sheesh. I'm angry at myself for getting angry at this and it sucks it sucks it sucks. This self-awareness of why I do and think they way I do is so irritating. Yet if I had a choice I would still choose this self-awareness. Maybe. It's so easy to be blissfully ignorant yet that's just the easy way out innit. And this feeling of inferiority(?). I don't know, I don't think it is. But it's the same as what, 3 years ago? The feeling of being finally acknowledged when people put you as someone to poke (This doesn't make sense but who cares). And just only now when all of a sudden there's the blaring of a horn and you can see the smoke, you feel like maybe you're actually starting to feel something. Tch, I know that's just me trying to tell myself that there is something worth going after, when in fact it's just this

Isolation

Good Night

I've wasted time I've wasted breath 

I think I've thought myself to death

Family

Getting started early on this post because I know I'm going to procrastinate later.

Well school's out and I do feel relieved, which fucking scares me. I should be shitting my pants because now I'm supposed to be moving into a library, setting up a tent and studying like it's going to save my miserable life. But I'm not afraid now, and it almost seems as if I can't even give a shit about school now. Then again, maybe I'm just glad that I don't have to tolerate Alex Lum's shit anymore. Oh Alex Lum, my dearest and most favourite teacher, who I have to see 2 times a week, including a 2 hour stretch on Wednesday. I swear, it was getting better. He actually noticed me trying, until BAM parent teacher meeting. Now he won't get off my fucking back about me playing games. Relavant GIF I really don't understand him. I'm trying, I really am, but his fucking passive aggressiveness makes me want to punch a puppy in the mouth. I swear the only reason why he says stuff is so that he can tell you "I told you so" later on.

I've been through the desert on a horse with no name

Plus now I'm finding out how much of a bitch I am. Can't believe I tolerated your shit for so fucking long. Maybe I'm just overthinking, but then again everyone's the same. You're just as insecure as everyone else, you just mask it behind this air of knowing what you want. And even as much as you call out others on their hypocrisy, you're one of them too. This license you give yourself to rag on people infuriates me, but I can't call you out because then you'll just rant on. And the saddest part is that you're just nice to the people who're like you (in a sense), and everyone thinks your shenanigans are hilarious just because you don't conform to everyone. But being obnoxious includes every kind of person, and I found that out when you became bored once. I really do think I'm overthinking this, because hey I've known you for relatively long. But it still makes me feel like shit sometimes because I'm like a punching bag. Shishhh, and I know even after I've figured this out, I'll just continue putting myself under your thumb because I'd feel bad.

Whatever

Feel like I have some closure now though. Kinda recognise some awkardness after that time, but maybe just cause nothing's happened in between for so long. Feel more comfortable now I think, since I've moved past it.

On the bright side, I finally have a new blog to read :)

Good Night

Such a heavenly view

Endings

Been a while since the last post again, but at the least I'm keeping up with it (kinda).

Been pretty busy still the last few weeks. ClimbX was last Saturday too. Was pretty mixed feelings about it. Kinda happy that I managed to get into the finals considering the little training I had before it, but kinda knew I could have done better for the first route. So yeah, tied for 4th in the end but dropped to 5th because my qualifiers weren't good. Still glad I got the chance to go though, and overall I think it was a good experience.

I think posting bout happenings pretty stale lately. It seems almost as if it was just filling up the blank space for the sake of just a way to BE. Finished watching Neon Genesis Evangelion and I'm getting lots of weird existentialist shit running through my mind now, and Godot isn't helping. But I realised that, isn't this why I'm doing this blog anyway? As an affirmation to the fact that I exist? That at some point in time a person sat inf front of his computer typing away like a dumbass for something almost no one reads anyway? Because what happens if nothing happens to me. What if I just go by unnoticed. Because that's what drives people doesn't it. To feel like you made an impact on this reality, that someone somewhere cares enough about you. And what if this doesn't happen? It's almost as if you were never here at all.

And this sucks.

I feel like everything's going back to last year. The only thing keeping me from that is climbing, now that I've found something to replace the passion I lost. But then again isn't this just a mere distraction, because what do I really want? The worst part is I can't delude myself because I KNOW why I'm thinking and acting this way. I can't tell myself omg I really care, because I know all it is is dependence. Just looking for anything to reaffirm myself that I actually mean something. And it's worse because everything seems like I have a reason to be this way and it'd be so easy to just act like it, but I can't bring myself to do that because it won't end well. So now all I can do is sit and feel and then tell myself to fucking stop because thinking now doesn't help anything.

Feeling like Shinji.

Good Night

And I find this song just a bit cliche

But I pray that you'll understand

Goliath

NSSCC is over and have a lot to say about it but I'm a bit lazy :3

In short, NSSCC has been one of the most stressful but meaningful experiences of my life so far. Been an intense one month filled with ups and downs, emotionally taxing yet so... fulfilling. It's been a long time since I felt like the words I use were inadequate to describe something but this is one of those times. Practically living in Onsight as we trained our asses off, going there almost every other day. Fretting over the Gri-gri and other stuff, naming our favourite staff member (SS *coughcough*). Matthias always being the one who kena some incident, the numerous scrapes and cuts on our knees especially, and trying so hard to cut down our timings. The feeling of elation when we broke our personal bests, learning from the very best Judith senpai, and so much other stuff I can't remember it all here. But in the end, it felt like it was WORTH something, because we weren't just stronger physically, but it drew us that much closer together. For that moment we were our own little family and I care so much not just for them but for the entire team as well. I wish we had one, two more years together but life moves on. I just never want to leave these people.

As for the actual competition, it was supposed to be on Sunday in the afternoon. We were supposed to start at around 2pm. But everything got delayed and the SMF took so damn long that the speed wall was only up around 6pm. Delay a bit more and the actual climbs only started around closer to 7pm. Then it started raining and it had to be postponed. Was really really irritated because of the terrible organising by the SMF. Oh forgot to mention that our lead teams did damn well :D Had 2 girls (Sarah and Shantel) and 4 guys (Jia Zhi, Gabe, Hubert and Haziq) in the finals, which was better than all the other schools. Finals on Sunday morning went pretty well also, with Sarah getting 3rd and Shantel did quite well too. Guys was really exciting because frickin Jia Zhi kept nearly screwing up but I swear it was his mental that kept him holding on for so long. In the end he managed to top the final route and secure 3rd place. Gabe and Haziq got 4th and 5th respectively. Overall, it was one of the best showings by the team in the last few years. Ah well, speed got moved to the Saturday that week in the end. Managed to get a shot on the actual wall on Friday and was pleasantly surprised to find out that it was actually almost exactly the same as Onsight's. Stayed over at Jasmine's house with Yi Xin that day :P Actual day rolls around and we were all pretty psyched up for the comp. Saw Emmanuel and David climb for their own finals and they're both pretty sick themselves. When A Divs was up all of us managed to get into the top 16. Had a good first run timing of 12.5s so was pretty happy with that. Turned out it helped a lot because I slipped in the 2nd qualifying run. (Annoyed and distracted that the belayer was belaying so damn loose). Top 16 round, was up against this MJC climber, wasn't too much of a problem. Top 8 round was so scary, because I was going against this SRJC guy whose timings were really close to mine. Slipped badly at the start of the ladder, but thank God so did he. Managed to recover fast enough and keep pace with him before pulling away at the last 2 moves. Was so happy just screaming out after securing myself in the Top 4. Went up against Vincent and lost (obviously haha) and went down to the loser's bracket for 3rd/4th placing. Faced another SR climber, Ryan, who was really good. Wellplayed to him, and I fell near the end too so lost to him. But all in all I prayed that I would leave the place happy and I did:) Was just so happy for the chance to prove and redeem myself. I said I would not fuck this up and I'm just glad I didn't. In the end though, Vincent lost to Gavin by a small margin, taking 2nd place, and both our Boy's and Girl's team took 2nd place overall because of the scoring system.

I think I might just shed some man tears when farewell shows its ugly face, but that's for another time. Just grateful and glad for this opportunity to be part of this fucking awesome team. A year ago I believed that I didn't make it into ODAC for a reason, and this just proved everything right :) Going to relive these moments for years to come.

Good Night

Cos I'm on top of the world 

Valleys

It's been so long old friend.

So many things have happened in the interval since and I don't really know where to begin but I'll start with the biggest thing since the last post: post-CTs

I guess this is the first time a result has really confused me. Now that I think of it, maybe I was just overconfident about it, which is why I screwed up so badly. Btw it's Math that I'm talking about :/ Got a damn 36 for it then brought down to 34 because I didn't do the online assignment aish. So that means an overall S. If not for Math I'd actually be pretty happy with the rest of CT1. Maybe Physics too. Cos I got a C for Physics which I was pretty okay about then found out 60% of the level got A LOL so my Physics percentile is about 20% now saddddd. On the other hand, pretty happy with GP. Got the highest in class with a B and about 93rd percentile so yay for some good news. Lit was pretty okay as well, just nice got a C, with 14/25 for all my essays. On bright side at least it shows consistency, just need to improve generally and hopefully secure a B by the time prelims swings around. OH happiest news (kinda) from this whole shit fest so far is that I finally passed Econs LOL. Scrapped through with an E, and it was kinda promising cos I actually screwed up in the essay and case studies. Think I managed to learn quite a bit from my past mistakes, so now I just gotta not be overconfident and continue to try and improve. I guess all in all, CT1s has been quite an eye opener. Learnt to have a better mentality, but also providing some encouragement. Here's to the rest of the academic year :)

Wanted to post a lot more about climbing and training for NSSCC but it's late so I'll continue in another post

Reddit Thread. A lot of TILs :P

Good Night

Ticket stubs and your diaries,

I read them all one day

Order

Just finished climbing camp today :P Realising the intervals between posts are getting long but I'll try. Kinda lazy nowadays to update but then again I've just become generally lazier and lazier AHHHH.

Last 3 days have been one of the best so far this year also. I like how all of my memorable moments this year have come from the climbers:) To have this bunch of people who somehow clicked so well and become a family, it never ceases to put a smile on my face. So for Day 1 it was mainly just games actually. There were like icebreakers in the morning (thank God I wasn't a facil then I have no idea how to do icebreakers in groups). Had lotsa retarded moments especially during the toilet paper game. Jia Zhi took like 16 pieces of toilet paper, then it turned out that we had to say a fact about ourselves for every 2 pieces we took LOL. He ended up using knowing me for 10 years as a fact, but hey, glad I know that fagit for so long :'D. Funny thing was whenever someone attached was saying a fact we'd just go like "AIK" and "I LIKE (whatever CCA the special other is in) so yeah hahaha. Was really funny making fun of Reubs and Jen also. OMG almost forgot the part where we were supposed to sign our hopes for the team on the flag, and everyone ended up vandalising each other's arms LOL. I ended up with like everything on my left arm and a watch on my right wrist. That shit even continued into lunch. After lunch was all the station games. Hubert and I were in charge of Hopscotch. We kinda realised the game was too easy so we made it harder to balance the rubber on the straw, which worked to some extent (I'm a genius). Was actually kinda bored in the interim but I guess it turned out okay. Ended up just watching the dancers practise outside the PT while we waited. Went to Changi Airport for dinner after that. THIS was so retarded cos Haziq and the rest took an empty bottle of green tea then started playing with it by trying to bounce and keep it in the air. Ohgod, maturity at its finest. Was still really funny to see and I played a while. There was this like stroller thingy also which we used to push people around while running. Oh and we played on the slide as well LOL. Celebrated Marcus' and Cheng Cheng's birthday at the same time before we left. Sian sia I think I should have stayed over at Yi Xin's place, now that I think of it. Initially didn't want to because I thought 6 ppl was quite a lot already but... meh :/ Second day was pretty short cos it was mostly just games in the morning until lunch. I was a facil but yay for Yi Xin who saved the day and my group from eternal awkwardness. Taught my group the milkshake song as a suck up cheer LOL it was hilarious pilarious. Went for training after lunch. The rest of the routesetters stayed back until like 9? to finish setting all the routes. Was damn tiring actually, quality checking all the routes and also helping You Jing set the routes. She kept giving this 2 pinch to sloper move which was like UGH. But guess it kinda worked out. Had dinner pretty late then went home. Today was day 3 and I uh... overslept. GAH so stupid. Not gonna set my alarm too early from now on, cos I'll just go back to sleep. Managed to reach slightly before the competition though, then went to chiong put all the tapes on the routes. Luckily I remembered to bring the score sheets too. Wanted to finalise the routes earlier but since I was late didn't really have time. Although funnily I changed the 4th route at the last minute, even though earlier Wen Xi said that the dyno would be too difficult. It wasn't though, because 3 guys made the move, similar to last year when only 3 guys got the dyno. So in the end, pretty happy with how that route turned out. Screwed up a bit, because we told the Senior guys the wrong route for that side, but then again it didn't really affect much. Jia Zhi's group won (LOL) and then we went for lunch. Training after lunch was mock comp as usual. Was pretty difficult, like the last training, but hopefully it'll help to prepare us for NSBC this friday.

CTs just finished last week also, but it's late and I want to sleep so I guess I'll talk about it when I get my results back.

Reddit Thread. Reminded me of orientation.

Good Night

Because I'm happy :)

Wolves

Omg I haven't blogged in the longest while and I feel so guilty about it ;_;

Been pretty busy the last few weeks, mostly with trainings. The J1s have more or less come in but it's a bit weird now hahaha. Haziq seems to dislike them but meh, I think most of them are okay. Though there are a few weird ones, and not in a good way :P There's this Ryan guy who was from Cat High scouts last time and he gives off this super like suck-up vibe lol. Then again, maybe I'm just being too judgemental. Cos he tends to stick around with the J2s a lot rather than his own batch, then when we were going for dinner he acted super dominant. So idk, just seeing first? And apparently there's this girl called Athena who caused a bit of an iffy with other CCAs cos she applied for a shitload of em LOL. On the other hand, we've switch over to bouldering from leading now. There's apparently a quota for bouldering for NSSCC so Marcus and Jia Zhi dropper bouldering to get a guranteed spot for leading. Wanted to go for bouldering in the end also but they submitted the form alr so I'm sad now :( Oh well, at least they changed the routes for almost the entire lead wall so it won't be as sian. They say my leading is good but it isn't to be honest. My betas are terrible ugh I need to work so much more. Then again this might be better cos Reuben is definitely better than me in bouldering so oh well :P HAHA WAIT LOL just messaged You Jing and registration hasn't closed yet so yay I might still have a shot at this. Getting a bit sian of lead over the last month alr, and I think that my bouldering has improved lately so yeah :P

Haish, it's Sunday already so that means CTs starts next week. Haven't even finished my topical revision I'm So. Fucking. Screwed. I feel like I'm kinda slipping back into last year. My mind keeps drifting off but maybe that's another thing altogether. The room's starting to feel a little empty. Speaking of which, I have this poem that I wrote down but it's still not finished hahaha. Larkin isn't actually as douchey as he might seem. I think he wants more to comment on people that feel a certain way, acting high and mighty. Important to make the distinction between the poet himself and the speaker in the poem. Kind of inspiring if you ask me actually.

Went for the mass dance at Suntec the other night which was REALLY FUN AHAHAHA. Lazy to post everything here so I'll just say that I really couldn't have asked for better people in climbing :) Today was Cross Country (UGH) which was super irritating cos WAKING UP AT 5.45 ON SATURDAY MORNING PLEASE. Met the rest before the run and we decided to run together. Haha unfortunately I'm weak as shit with no stamina so I lagged behind about the halfway mark and Marcus was a bit slow to accompany me as well :P Super shagged after that we basically slept through the award presentation then left for lunch.

That's about it I guess? Oh ya found out Crystal has a blog too so haha feel free to visit at http://daisy-fieldss.blogspot.sg/

Reddit This one's pretty funny.

Good Night

Standing in the light till it's over

Out of our minds

Guesswork

Another pretty aimless post again. I think when there's nothing really bothering me a lot I tend to go off on a tangent. Which is kind of ironic in a sense if you think about it, but whatever.

I think it only came about to me recently during one of the Lit lessons. I can't remember if I mentioned this before. But one time while doing Larkin, Mr Ho mentioned that almost everything in the end is done for self-interest, even love. The reasoning is that you want the other person to be happy because their happiness makes you happy as well. So in a sense, it is for self-interest, and there aren't really any counters to this logic because it would defy definition otherwise. On this note, Larkin is one depressing person to read about. His poems take everything you ever believed in and squish them into the ground. But it's okay I guess, cos it helps to solidify your faith and belief in these. So there, I'm not turning into a cynical old man. But at the same time I read about and remembered the $20 note story, the moral of which is that one's value will always remain the same. So it doesn't matter if you feel alone, because admitting to it doesn't change your self-worth does it? If anything, admitting to your own sadness takes the most courage of all. Sometimes it's okay to be scared. To think that the world has nothing left for you and all you're doing is merely being a passenger. The important thing is to snap out of it and realise that isn't true. Because even if things are done inherently for self-interest (supposing this is true), it doesn't make their care for you mutually exclusive. People are hard to change, at their very core. So don't worry so much, because even after all time, love remains. Remember that, and cheer up.

Reddit thread

I have no idea who I was talking about/to, maybe everyone, maybe no one, but in any case

Good Night

Why is this movie so good

I mean it's crazy

We finish each other's sandwiches 

Purpose

So it's actually been quite a while since I last posted. Nothing much has really happened in the past week plus or so... So maybe I'll just try to come out with some bullshit post to fill up some space.

Got back my econs re-paper and I failed it. Haish. I actually nearly passed my essays, got like 21/50. But Case Study was terrible. Scored a 9/30 overall. Made a lot of stupid mistakes, and I'm still not using Econs terms! Ugh so irritated with myself. I know I said this before but I think I know where I went wrong (yet again) so hopefully I can do better again now. Learnt from my previous mistake of not starting essay first so I did this time round, and I guess I did do better for it. So now I know I'm still not using economic terms so I need to make a conscious effort to use them in the future. DEMAND AND SUPPLY, MARGINAL SHIT, PERFECTLY ELASTIC SHIT, SHIT SHIFTS RIGHT. Nailed it.

Training's been going okay so far. We're doing lead mostly now, but we have to alternate between lead and top rope because the lead wall isn't big enough to fit both the girls and guys teams. When do top rope though Jia Zhi and I lead after PT so I still get my fix hahahaaha. Although the rope burn that both of us kena one after another hurt like a mofo. But hey, gotta get it sooner or later. Tried out speeding for the first time also and I REALLY enjoy it. Wish I could speed for NSSCC, but I'll probably end up in lead. Haziq and Matthias wanna speed so... :P Speaking of NSSCC, they put in bouldering for it, in March. Not sure how to feel about it cos my bouldering is so lousy, but I'll see how it goes.

Went back during STEEL 2 to see Jeremiah because it was his last course before he was gonna ORD. So Xiang Bin and I went back to HQ first, Zhi Ming was gonna come later in the evening. Talked with the DC for SO LONG LOL before I did anything else. Something happened with Shaffie but I'm not gonna talk about it because 1. It was stupid 2. I don't wanna get in trouble. Took some pictures and stuff before we left. On the note of NCC, I guess that maybe I've just lost the passion for it. And that was part of the reason why I felt so lost last year. And yeah, NCC is still important to me, just not as much as last time. I'll still try to help, but as of now, I think I may have to let go. I'm handing aero over to Delvin for affirmation, and I know he'll do a good job. So hopefully, things get better from here on. The only worrying thing is our own unit's competetive teams, but I won't nag about that. I just hope we put up a good fight and get into the finals.

I think that's it for now. Got a few thoughts on my mind, but it's late so I'll leave it for another post. I can finally feel happy :)

Reddit thread. This one is pretty humourous.

Good Night

Let's make a night you won't remember,

I'll be the one you won't forget 

Spelling

Feeling a bit tired now so may not make much sense or remember much, but I'll try.

Gravical was last friday and I don't really know how I should feel about it. The girls' event was in the morning so everyone went early first. It was at Vivo so I had to wake up a bit earlier, but ended up reaching a bit earlier. Most of them were already there though, so it wasn't that bad. There wasn't really a lot of girls in the category so most of our girls team went in one detail, if I remember correctly. Joey and Sarah did really really well, and most of the rest did good also. Haha I remember telling Sarah before she start to give chance to everyone else and not flash every route, and do that for 5 out of 6 instead. Land up when she went for her round, she flashed 4, and almost had the 5th one, but they didn't count it cos she crossed the black boundary tape. And she did manage to finish all the problems in the end. Joey topped 3 and bonus-ed I think one more. She got 9th overall in the qualifiers, but still got in cos one of the ppl who finished top 8 was an Inter already. So yay for her :D Had lunch with the rest after that while waiting for our own event to start. I was in detail 4, so I had to wait about an hour from the start of my category before it was my turn to climb. Was actually pretty nervous but also psyched up before I had to go. Barny and Aniq were there again too, and Barny said the routes were hard but I actually didn't think much of it. Here comes the frustrating part. So it's my turn to climb, and I start on route 2. It's the easiest one and I can't even get the damn bonus tile. I'm so fucking stubborn that I don't see how people like Vincent step on the volume and thus learn nothing from it. So so so so so stupidly planned during this competition. The first route, shd have bonus-ed it too, but I refused to deviate from my own beta which WAS NOT WORKING. The rest of the routes I can honestly say I simply had not enough power. Route 3 might have been possible, but maybe only after a while, and if I wasn't so pumped. On the bright side, I took it that I was at least putting everything into making each effort count. Left the wall feeling really really disappointed, but still stayed back a while to cheer on the rest in the detail after me. Was a bit more demoralising after seeing and realising everyone was doing better than me. Haziq, Matthias and Jovan all topped one route. Vincent and Gabriel did super well as usual. Not sure how anyone else did, but they all got at least 1 bonus, with the exception of Boh also. Didn't help that Coach asked Boh "What happened" but not me, I think he expected me to not do well anyway lol. Then again, my bouldering has always been pretty weak, so I'm kinda looking forward to NSSCC, cos we'll be leading then. Gravical hasn't exactly been a morale booster also, so I'm still feeling a bit apprehensive about lead training, but I'll still try my best.

While waiting for results to come out, Haziq had the brilliant idea to start running people through the fountain thing outside Vivo and beside the venue. So here I am laughing at everyone getting wet, and then I get thrown in with the rest lol. After a bit, everyone is just soaking wet and having retarded fun, but fun nonetheless. Even the girls kena after all the guys got run through hahaha. Only Sarah escaped cos she had finals, and You Jing ran into the shopping centre itself lol so we didn't go to find her. Spent like an hour and a half just playing around in the water. Jovan got dunked in the most and it was fucking hilarious each time. We even played the MRT game which brought back memories of Air Cohesion in 2013. And midway through if Jovan was too slow to respond Haziq would just scream "TOO SLOW" then carry him off again LOL. Oh man that was honestly the best night of my life so far. I can't really explain it well here, but it was. I felt genuinely HAPPY. And it wasn't a form of escape like being in HQ and slacking/playing, but actually having fun with people that I cared about. And it was there and then that I realised that yes, I do care about them, and maybe there's something worth doing after all :)

I feel like ending my post here, because right now I'm actually feeling better after writing that last paragraph. So yes.

I need pets

Good Night

Hey, sister, do you still believe in love I wonder? 

2013

I have my fucking re-paper tomorrow and here I am BLOGGING. I honestly have no idea how the "priorities" part in my brain works. Maybe it doesn't exist. Damn son this post is so late. I'll try to finish as much as possible. Had a nap just now but I don't wanna sleep too late.

Ok so rewinding back through 2013. I don't know actually, what I want to say. This is one of those few posts when I have nothing prior in mind before I start writing. To be brutally honest, I hated 2013. It's not the year. JC just sucks the life out of me so much I don't care about so many things anymore. At the start it wasn't so bad. I still had some NCC to look forward to. I know what. I'll get all the bad stuff from 2013 out so I can focus and end on the bright side. Sounds good. Okay bad stuff. Most of my teachers hate me now, and I honestly can't find a fuck to give. The only teachers I actually cared about were Ms Sng, Ms Chia and Ms Ho, and the first 2 are gone. What a fucking joke. Mr Lim's okay I guess, but he doesn't get involved much. Ms Yeo too. I have the wonderful privilege (/s) of having Mr Lum and Mr Foo ohgodwhy. I swear those 2 alone pretty much made my life hell the whole year. To be fair, it wasn't without reason, so right now I don't hate them, they're (kinda) doing their job. Doesn't make school any better though. My results for the year have been shit too. I haven't kept up with most of my schoolwork. The only academic thing that I actually put any semblance of effort into was PW, and that isn't even really THAT academic. Chionging for promos 2 weeks before doesn't really count also, I believe. Not only that, but after a while, I could see why people like Zhan Hong were happy to leave. NCC felt so much like a tedious job after some time, having to put so much into something you cared about makes it hard to maintain a level of enthusiasm anymore. Not so much a "bad" thing, I just felt a bit disappointed at the way post-COC NCC turned out. But oh well, I think it's quite normal.

Looking through, the only negative of the year was school. But to me it took up so much that I couldn't. I don't know, I just couldn't. Maybe it's not even school that's the problem. So sick of everything now. Moving on to happy stuff. Climbing I think, has been one of the better parts of the year. I've managed to get to know some really awesome people, and kind of stick with that fagit Jia Zhi at the same time hahaha. The people in climbing have kind of brightened up training and made it so much more fun, and after finale night for VA, I realised that they're the ones I can stick with even when all this is over. Also, NCC has been really good actually, when I can go and lepak that is. It was more relieving than anything to go for the courses and camps, just to be able to enjoy myself with the 62nd and such. And as always there's the retarded antics with Saving Private Zhi Ming. I can't express how much they mean to me, and I really hope I never lose them. (GAYYYYYYYYY). There's been church peeps too, but thinking back I'm sad that we've drifted this much. Raya hardly shows her face anymore, Rachel never joins us too. Oen is sometimes too lazy to come for 9.30, and Sean is like on and off. I don't know what to do I just hope that church can still keep us together. It's one of the few constants in my life that I need.

Ok so after all that, this is NOT a happy post, I think. LOL. So much for ending on a high note. I think I'm slowly going mad. It doesn't seem like much, but it's gonna happen sooner or later. I'm too emotional over things I shouldn't be, and don't give a fuck about too many things I should. This whole great apathy screams of anxiety, but I'll just take it as it comes. I realise that through my life, there's always a person I counted on to keep me sane, to give me a reason to stay. I don't know. I still wonder if what I did was real or just a result of being by myself so much. Not sure how long before this year breaks me. I'm not sure how to put this also, so I left it for the end, even though I've already said this so many times because well. It never ceases to amaze me that I know someone so special. I think that's the high note I'm ending off actually, so yay :)

Reddit Thread . This actually made me tear up

Good Night