I think, I've always been a person easily moved to jealousy. I don't ever recall actually thinking about this through seriously. But recent events have made me realise that yes, I am a person who easily feels jealous. About quite a number of things in fact. Like how I'm always jealous of people who get the spotlight, deserved or undeserved. I guess it boils down to the fact that I like to treat everyone equally, or at least I try to. So for some stupid reason, it irritates me when others start to place more attention on somebody. To be honest, most of the times said person actually deserves to be the center of attention. Maybe they did well in their exams, or managed to produce results in other areas. Maybe they gained a lot of respect for doing things normal people wouldn't. Or for treating others with kindness and consideration. Looking at it now, I really have no idea why I feel so much irritation when this happens. It's not to say that I want to attention for myself instead. On the contrary, I usually feel quite uneasy when any sort of spotlight is placed upon me. I mean yes it's nice to be recognised, but having large amounts of people place their attention on you has always unnerved me. Maybe it's just a tad bit of social anxiety. I do wish I could achieve what they did. I am jealous of what they have managed to accomplished. But envy of the attention is something that doesn't really apply in my case.
Or maybe I just want something I'm scared I may not have the chance to get again.
I've usually done what I'm supposed to do. When people told me to study, I gritted my teeth and forced myself to NLB everyday even though I hated every second of it, When people told me to follow the rules I did. I feel like I have a stick up my ass, as the saying goes. When I was told to be a good soldier, I tried. When people said that I'd cry during the mail run, I did. I guess to me, I try to find meaning in many meaningless things. Believing that living for just yourself is entirely unfulfilling, and so I try to do things for others instead. That following some set of expectations would lead me to some form of satisfaction.
Then why do I feel like this
Starting to change my mind about some things in army, but I'd rather not let it out here. It's exactly one more week to POP, which to be honest I'm half not looking forward to. BMT has honestly been pretty enjoyable, and the commanders have treated us really really well. If I go to command school, all this will just be a thing of the past. It's supposed to be a happy occasion.
