Sometimes it feels like a sort of anxiety over abandonment, which is of course, irrational. Trying to think back, it doesn't seem like there is a probably cause for it as well, so maybe it's just something that I accrued over the years. Meaning that even if I have no cause to feel the way I do, I still feel a ton of jealousy/envy and (I'm not really sure how to express this) irritation. More so of the first, if I'm telling the truth. I like to think that I'm special to people in a certain way, so getting "replaced" in that sense sparks a lot of shit in me, which isn't good. The previous sentence probably encapsulates the whole idea now. I try to think of myself as a certain friend archetype, and when that idea is shattered I get really upset. At least I sort of understand this, so it doesn't lead off into the wrong places.
Just checked the drive for the Aussie stuff and it's up! Gonna get to sorting it through soon.
OK back on track. I think it's natural though, that these things happen. People change constantly, and if I don't as well then of course I fall behind. Sometimes it's because of extenuating circumstances, but I can still adapt, I should have adapted. That's another thing, I'm too stubborn a lot of times, and I'm much too scared to take initiative. But those are discussions for another day. The lack of initiative thing bothers me though, because it means that I could have avoided a lot of the aforementioned flaws. I give myself the excuse that I don't want to be a bother, but I think that deep down it's just that I can hardly find the strength to care anymore.
And then I complain here about being left behind. LMAO
I think that's all. One of the more faithful introspective posts so far I feel.
Good Night
My guessing game is strong
Way too real to be wrong
