So the first post of 2016 has the honour of arriving late, and even then long overdue from the last one. It's not to say I had no time do it, but rather I lacked the emotional energy or motivation to actually express myself again. It seems like ever since coming to Arty, things have started on this downward spiral again, and things have started to blur together or switch positions all together. For a significant portion of my time in NS, it was the people that kept me moving forward. Over here I fucking hate the guts of so many people, and the thing I found joy in most was actually the training. Tiring as it may have been sometimes, it was exactly what I was looking for. I was entirely willing to pour myself into the formulas, the memorisation, the calculations. I loved it, because it gave me some validation to my choice of going to Artillery. At the end of what's happened so far, I was told that I was actually doing well in the course. It occurred to me that I could set a higher goal for myself rather than simply commissioning. And when everything seemed to look up for once in a long while,
I fell short again.
I don't even know what to feel now, because everything just seems to conflict so much. Intense disappointment mixed with this burning desire to prove something to he didn't choose. Now the prospect of having to lead 29 other people Infantry style seems more daunting than ever. But at the same time, this is sort of what I wanted isn't it? It all just boils down to whether the sacrifices are going to be worth it. A lot of it has just been whittled down to me not trying hard enough, and I'm done with that. You can either simply let things happen, or you can make things happen. Sometimes the way to be happy employs to latter. "Do not go gentle into that good night; rage, rage against the dying of the light". 2LT Darren said this to Denzyl the other day, that if he was going to choose to be an FO, then he better be a damn good one. To me, I'd take these words further. Coming to mortar was still a choice. My choice. Whatever the challenges are up ahead, if I'm going to be a mortar PC,
I better be a damn good one.
Good Night
And I know she'll be the death of me
At least we'll both be numb
