21

So much for coming of age

Wanted to do a brief thanks to each of the people that have been involved in my life in one way or another. I've never been good at saying things (that's why this blog even exists), so writing it here will have to do.

To the secondary school guys, regardless of how I know you. I think you guys really shaped most of who I am today, and instilled in me the ways of the cockster. To the 4-3 fuckers, I really have no idea how we ended up in this shit together, but I'm glad I started playing League with you guys HAHA. Can't believe we're still doing games together, even if it's not all of us. I think it's also super interesting how like each of yall are getting attached one by one, is it next one is me LOLOLOL. But ya also especially to Jian Hui who for some reason has really good advice for being the most fucking cock out of all of us. The NCC Air people also really mean a lot to me, I think forming most of the fond memories I have within the school itself. Staying until stupid hours to do PDS, FSD, aeromod or just to waste time was really retarded but I'm glad it happened.

Next would be VJRC. I do still regret that I was so distant from you guys in J1. Not gonna try to explain myself, it was a slew of various reasons, but I think that in the end I'm so so happy that things turned out the way it did. You guys are why I love climbing so much and it's honestly really nice that we still climb together so much. Looking forward to climb days with yall was what kept me grounded for most of NS stint. That and the fact that I think how no filter everyone is also contributes to the general atmosphere of stupid fuckery that goes on in the gym lmao. The dream would be to go on climbing trips with yall every year possible :')

To the people in my various stages of army, I think toughing it out would have been impossible without you guys. From BMT to OCS to AI, you guys made every single day in green bearable. Special shout out to Barnabas and the other Sierra guys again, I think that even though we don't really meet up nowadays, we had each others' backs when it mattered and for that I will always be grateful.

To the SBC people, particularly Damien, Oen and Elena. I know we don't really see each other in church much nowadays, but the good ol times back in Sunday School will always have a special place in my heart. Also El saying you damn regretful about it does hurt my dark twisted soul a little bit but I FORGIVE YOU LMFAO.


To the FAM BAM MISSING CHILD, to be honest this was the one I really least expected LOL. I sort of remember feeling so fucking surprised when out of nowhere I read Hazel's message asking if I was interested in joining them for a trip to Japan. Back in the school days I was never close at all to you guys, in part cos I thought yall were too cool and step a bit so I didn't really give enough of a fuck to try to make friends. Also, cos I was sleeping so much in class anyway I literally wasn't talking to you guys HAHAHA. But it turned out to be one of the most ENTERTAINING trips I've ever been to, and it was really nice to know you guys better and also now I have Crystal to bully HURHURHUR. Also Hazel and Ryan I know yall got a lot of grand plans for trips but I need save money first SOB ;_;

I think it would be quite remiss of me not to mention the NTU people now, both in climbing and in WKW. I'm quite grateful that yall are accepting of a cockster like me, and I do think I'll be able to be genuinely good friends with you guys so here's to that.

To Ernest, you get a special mention because fucking hell you are the single biggest bitch I know. But I think it's important to also mention that you shaped a lot of my thinking towards many issues, whether it was changing them or challenging my viewpoints.

To Jia Zhi, you fucking cuntsack. I think at this point you are the friend I've known the second longest already. You never do jack shit back in NCC but somehow rock climbing made you have a fucking purpose in life and I'm glad we joined together LUL. Objectively speaking you are a shit training buddy because I can NEVER DO YOUR GODDAMN BETAS and you climb like a fucking madman, but somehow I stick through all that bullshit and your own bullshit also, and here we are in NTU UMC, so let's actually win some shit for once. Thanks for having my back in climbing (literally and figuratively) all these years, and here's to sending V15s together in the (hopefully near) future.

Last but not least to Timo you freaking miracle LOL. Tbh I'm a little blurry on how we SPECIFICALLY got to know each other back in bloody Kindergarten but holy shit up till today WE FREAKING MADE IT LA. Even though somehow we've NEVER been in the same institution together even though it's always been close, you always had my back too and I have yours. I really think you need to get a proper girlfriend already sia I WONT BE HERE ALL THE TIME so hopefully NUS DOES SOME GOOD TO YOU. Really the most grateful to your brotherhood ever since then and I'm thinking, for many more years to come. I haven't been the best friend at times, but I'll always be ready to kill your rivals study with you and attain that 5.0 GPA and then we can get bungalows next to each other and play CS every day.

If there's anyone I missed out tonight I'll edit it in later, but there's still people who I'm grateful to and if you see this you know who you are. It's been pretty crazy, but I think things are starting to look up lately and I hope it stays that way :)

Good Night

And I'm admittin it

I won't take it back 

Mortality

I was planning to do this post up after the first week of school but YOU KNOW ME stuff always gets pushed back.

School's been a really pleasant surprise so far. I signed up for only the WKW Orientation, and like to be very honest I had a not so good impression of the place, because I thought I wouldn't really fit in with the "type" of people here. I mean I still don't really, but at least I sorta realise it's not actually an issue that I would have to deal with. The first day was a really really weird thing for me because almost all the seniors were at the bus stop area screaming greetings to freshies that had just arrived (and I took a cab cos I didn't wanna wake up so early so it was extra weird cos they opened the door for me and shit) and my first thought was something along the lines of "well fuck". So I walk in an decide I'm gonna just see how it goes first, and the first person I meet is YING XIANG and oh my god. (Okay I'm gonna go full honesty here so if any of yall see this PLEASE DON'T BE OFFENDED I'm sorry I shouldn't be so judgmental) So ya my first impression was "knn this guy damn wayang why is he so friendly" (God damn I'm a fucking asshole) Also Vanessa spelled my name wrong twice but okay whatever. I think I sort of chatted with Jason/Peter mostly (the guys always stick together man) and yeah we went to play some games soon after. I actually put in effort to remember everyone's names sia and the game kinda helped also. That actually made me feel a lot more at ease for some reason, I guess cos I didn't really have much of that awkward moment where I would try to remember the person's name first before talking to them. Although, the OG seemed a little like quiet especially since I could hear all the other OGs doing cheers and stuff damn enthu. But okay lah, me being me I didn't really take the initiative to talk to other people that much early on, but I guess it was more so out of being comfortable by myself. It does stand a little in contrast to JC where my quietness stemmed more from a severe lack of confidence (which I still do lack but it's not as bad as before I think?). Very thankful to the 2 seniors Jia Yao (handsome-ass motherfucker) and Jess who sorta helped "facilitate" me in talking more to other people. Was really nice talking to those 2 in the early parts of camp. In a funny way I was sort of grateful for the school talks at the start also cos it meant less interaction LUL. But okay la I think once the official camp started after national day it got a lot better especially with all the games and stuff. I think seeing everyone doing stupid shit really did have a sort of bonding effect and we really weren't so concerned about outward appearances anymore. I think the most enjoyable/meaningful part of the camp was actually the nights we had in the chalet. Had some really nice talks with Jia Yao, Jess and Rachelle (idk I seemed to connect better with the other seniors during the camp), and we also played some Cards Against Humanity (thanks Peter for bringing a game I'm good at LOL). Played a really cool round of Werewolf on the second night as well, and went over to meet the people from Quentin, our sister OG. Finale night was Saturday and one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had. We worked really hard for the performance sketch (even though we were the most inaccurate regarding the murder mystery theme HAHA) and just had a lot of fun with it. Was super super hilarious also watching Peter and Ying Xiang go up for some of the games and I feel like at that time I really just let go a lot :P

I mentioned to Crystal how much I actually like it here, and that it does feel very similar in a way to VJC, except that know I guess I've come into my own enough to appreciate it. I really want to do well and be someone that I can be proud of after these 4 years. It sort of feels like I've gotten over the hurdle of learning what I really want to do with myself, so hopefully I can focus and achieve what I want to. There's also this other thing going on which I'm not really sure of, and I don't know what's going to happen but I'll just let things unfold I guess.

Good Night

(Dammit orientation really got this song in my head now)

And they be lining down the block

Just to watch what I got

Drive

On motivation:

Recently I've been losing a lot of psyche with regards to climbing. I'm not really surprised though, because I don't think it's that unusual that this would happen after achieving a major goal. Especially with this particular goal culminating after an entire year's worth of proper effort. The important thing now would be to re-focus what I want, and set a better plan in order to reach it. Right now, it'll have to wait, since school is gonna be starting really soon. Intending to see if I can use the gym in school on off-training days, but according to Ken it sucks lol. Looking to do a more focused regimen in terms of training, meaning full climb days and full strength training days. This would hopefully maximise each session, instead of what I'm currently doing, which is strength training after every climbing session. Of course the school curriculum needs to be taken into account, but I intend to try going all out for both studies and climbing and see how it goes from there. To be honest if I can't manage both, I'd probably prioritise climbing over studies to at least a reasonable degree. Hopefully I do have more motivation to study this time and up my act compared to my disastrous JC years. Jia Zhi's my roommate so I have good faith that I'll at least manage to get some proper work done.

On school starting soon:

I have a very weird sort of view on this at the moment. I feel like I just wanna skip the orientation/making friends phase and just move on to lessons and life as per normal. Definitely mentioned before that I really don't like big changes and prefer some form of stability, or at least knowing generally what I want to happen. In some ways though I seem to be taking a lot of solace in the fact that Crystal is in WKW as well HAHA. I think she's really like some kindred spirit. I mean of course I hope to at least be on good terms with the people in my course, but also that knowing she's someone I can voice all my WKW complaints to helps tremendously.

I'm not sure how much feels I'll have to blog stuff once I start my schedule proper, but hopefully I can keep it up somewhat.

A bit of a shorter post, but a lil' happpier too

Good Night

Loosey as a goosey and we're looking for some fun

Finally

Things WERE starting to look up. Got my driver's license and podium in Boulderactive, and then this bloody thing happened.

Hooooo... *deep breath*

I still wanna talk about Boulderactive though. Leading up to the comp I wasn't really as confident and that sorta helped because it meant I didn't put much pressure on myself for it. Like I was literally thinking that the competition would be so strong for BA so oh well my best chance would be during Transend next week LOL. This was also coupled by the fact that the routes were pretty hard. On first glance the holds looked really bad as well. I remember thinking that the setting was super hard this round, especially seeing the first few details not really have many tops. For the first detail I think there were less than 10 individual tops. But I studied as much of the micro betas as I could and the mistakes other people made and just went into comp focus mode.

The detail didn't start off well because my very first attempt I false started on the coordination jump route LOL. Surprisingly it didn't really mess up my focus which I guess comes from the comp experience. Moved on to the slab route (Route 2) and managed to keep my cool during the heel hook into mantle move, for the easy end. Decided hey since I'm warmed up and still fresh I should go for the last route (Route 6) on the flat wall which was mostly made up of bad crimps and big static moves, which I usually like. Didn't wanna tire myself out trying to do the hacked beta so I pulled through the intended and got the flash. Think I then went over to the route which looked the easiest during the earlier details which was the pink route (Route 5) and yeah it was the easiest haha. I knew the next 2 routes (Routes 3 and 4) were considered the toughest of the whole set so I made sure I rested properly before those. I knew that since Route 3 was a slab I would be able to sort of kill 2 birds with one stone by topping but also resting most of my strength for the hardest route (Route 4). Had a moment on 3 where I nearly slipped my pinch hand but manage to recover and remember the sequence after, getting the top done. Hopped onto 4 once I felt ready and had to really squeeze out the match on the end tile (geddit heh cos it was a pinch). Hearing the whole crowd behind cheering for the end actually really spurred me to get the bloody route done and I was really happy I managed to actually flash it. The coord dyno (Route 1) ended being unreachable for me because I was honestly crapped out at the end of it all, but I was reasonably confident of getting into finals at that point so I was just trying to have fun with the jump itself. Final result for qualis was 5T5 5B5

Finals was on Sunday that weekend and I was actually really nervous leading up to it and in isolation, seeing as this was my first finals. I was obviously hoping for a podium spot but realistically I knew that a lot of times the podium had a high chance to be someone from outside the qualifying top 3. I eventually made sure that I was going in to have fun and most importantly, try my fucking hardest no matter what I thought of the routes. Coming on to Route 1 was a little demoralising because being the second last to go out I knew at least 2-3 other people had completed it, and there was still the strong motherfucker indonesian guy going after me as well. I couldn't even hit the bonus tile, because by the time I figured it was better to do a high step and commit, I was already too pumped and drained by the adrenaline of it being the first route. Going to the next route I knew that lateral movement slabs were something I was/am weak in, and was praying that it would be more straightforward. After looking through the route I remember telling myself to give it a go first. I managed to get decently far but slipped while moving to the last foothold. I told myself to trust it more and focus on the toes, and managed to get stable before the last move. This was already the second attempt, and I screwed up by trying to take the last move as a commit move rather than something more stable. I think I had about 45 seconds or so and that would be my last attempt. Got up to the last move and tried to do a more static beta, which worked and got me the top.

Moving onto the last route I wasn't feeling too confident, as Jia Zhi had mentioned I needed a flash on Route 2 to keep me in contention for podium (I think because he didn't expect me to top Route 3 LOL). Looking at the route my first impression was "Wah fuck coordination jump die liao lor". Then I realised that actually going at max span I might be able to hack the start. Was unsuccessful on the first 2 attempts so I tried to do it with a coordination move to the side wall tile, but failed even worse. At that point I knew that doing a coord jump would tire me out too much and so the only reliable option was to try to hack it. Came up with a backup beta involving my foot placements and managed to stick the span hack. Once I got it I made sure I didn't get overly excited and kept my wits to take the route down, securing me the podium.

4+ years of climbing and a serious heap of effort later I finally made the goal I set when I resumed climbing last year, which was to promote by the time uni started. I'm so glad to have finally accomplished it and I'm already looking forward to the next goal, which is to get to Open by the time uni ends. Really really grateful to the regular climbing guys Luke (who also promoted this comp!!!), Jia Zhi, and Hadi for pushing me to be serious and improve in climbing. All in all, a generally great last few weeks. Hope to keep the positive mindset going and work even harder!

Good Night

Cos you don't even know

I can make your hands clap

Stopwatch

Ok so it's been a while again

Pumpfest happened about a week ago, but I think the long and short of it boils down to "I fucked it up, I shouldn't have, but I did, and that's that". After the whole thing though, I realised that I wasn't as salty as I normally would be.

Which brings me to what I really want to talk about, which was the Grampians trip. I think this trip really changed the way I view climbing on a fundamental level.

Some background:

Ever since I started participating in hobby/CCA activities, I've always been a really competitive person. So it kinda started out with football, League and NCC in secondary school. If I started learning something, I wasn't just going to be good at it, I was going to be.... the very best (AYYYYYYY). That meant that inevitable disappointments always hit me really hard. I say inevitable not because I didn't try hard enough. Rather, I say it because disappointment is part of life. Failure happens everywhere, every time, and sometimes you cannot change it no matter how much effort you put in.

"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life"

This quote by Jean Luc Picard, a fictional character, but a real quote nonetheless.

To be fair, disappointment has never actually stopped me, it's just that it always hit me really hard. I would have a hard time accepting that I had fucked up, or that I was just not at a certain level yet. When I entered climbing in JC, this same competitive drive followed me, mainly starting with NSSCC in J2 (which remains my happiest accomplishment to date). Even after entering NS I still stuck to my goal of promoting to Inter Men. But competition after competition I was never good enough to make the cut. Eventually, the regular climbing guys had mostly got in already, save me, which sort of made me feel really isolated sometimes. I think I became a bit too focused on hitting a certain level of climbing so I could PROMOTE, and not simply because I wanted to do better in something I enjoyed. This bad mentality stayed all the way until we went to Australia to climb in the Grampians.

On the new philosophy of climbing:

Being in the Grampians really made me feel at peace, something I haven't really felt in a while. No tech distractions, no cars, no high rise buildings. Just the crew, the wall and me. There was no pressure. No timer by the side. No tops and bonuses. Within the first few days I quickly realised that grade chasing, as I was wont to do back home on plastic, was going to be a fruitless endeavour. Not to say that grades were irrelevant, but I found that a lot of times the grades given might be soft/solid by quite a bit, which made me come to the philosophy that I was going to have fun, regardless of the grade. It was important to me to try routes that were good quality and were an enjoyable challenge, and I do think I managed to achieve that. Of course I still felt good about snagging "difficult" routes, but it wasn't something that overwhelmed my psyche as a priority anymore. In a nice way, I managed to hold onto this way of thinking even when coming back to Singapore, realising that it was okay to just relax and enjoy climbing for climbing's sake. I still want to improve of course. I became a little less stubborn and accepted the fact that I might have to change things up a little, which I've been doing. In the end I hope all this work will be able to lead me somewhere.

List of climbs in order:

Day 1

A Horse is a Horse - V4 (Flash)
The Nevin Rule - V7

Day 2

Innocence - V3 (Flash)
Sesame Superhighway - V3

Day 3

Farmer's Traverse - V4

Day 4

Caterpillar - V3
Tonka - V4
Waiting in the Air - V7
Volume 1000 - V4

Day 5

Passion - V5
Fashion - V4 (Flash)
Bitch Slap - V7

Day 7

Wimmel Friedhoff - V5

Day 8

Faith - V3 (Flash)
4.45 - V4 (Flash)

Day 9

Pinche and the Brain - V4 (Flash)
Out of the Bleau - V5
White Destiny - V5 (Flash)
Riding Shotgun - V6
As the Crow Flies - V6

Day 10

Sick Nutter - V5

Uncompleted

Flash Gordon - V7
Querulaut - V7
Attack of the Killer Drop Bears - V6
Aphrodite - V7
Bleausard - V5
Peter Parker - V5

Favourite routes probably go to Nevin Rule, Bitch Slap and Aphrodite, simply because of the quality and fun of the moves themselves. Bitch Slap in particular is memorable because of the amount of people trying it there that day.

Been watching a lot of videos trying to recreate the sense of adventure and fellowship that came with climbing in the outdoors, but nothing ever comes close to the real thing I guess. Really looking forward to the next trip. Hope I have enough saved by then lol.

Good Night

We could change this whole world with a piano

Needy

I think that's a pretty concise summary of me to be honest. Extremely so. I didn't realise this until really recently, or at least I knew sub-consciously but I didn't know the way to explain it. I was actually planning to do a post about Aussie, but something I saw made me feel like doing this separately on its own.

Sometimes it feels like a sort of anxiety over abandonment, which is of course, irrational. Trying to think back, it doesn't seem like there is a probably cause for it as well, so maybe it's just something that I accrued over the years. Meaning that even if I have no cause to feel the way I do, I still feel a ton of jealousy/envy and (I'm not really sure how to express this) irritation. More so of the first, if I'm telling the truth. I like to think that I'm special to people in a certain way, so getting "replaced" in that sense sparks a lot of shit in me, which isn't good. The previous sentence probably encapsulates the whole idea now. I try to think of myself as a certain friend archetype, and when that idea is shattered I get really upset. At least I sort of understand this, so it doesn't lead off into the wrong places.

Just checked the drive for the Aussie stuff and it's up! Gonna get to sorting it through soon.

OK back on track. I think it's natural though, that these things happen. People change constantly, and if I don't as well then of course I fall behind. Sometimes it's because of extenuating circumstances, but I can still adapt, I should have adapted. That's another thing, I'm too stubborn a lot of times, and I'm much too scared to take initiative. But those are discussions for another day. The lack of initiative thing bothers me though, because it means that I could have avoided a lot of the aforementioned flaws. I give myself the excuse that I don't want to be a bother, but I think that deep down it's just that I can hardly find the strength to care anymore.

And then I complain here about being left behind. LMAO

I think that's all. One of the more faithful introspective posts so far I feel.

Good Night

My guessing game is strong

Way too real to be wrong

Berserk

I still couldn't do it.

I know this feeling
Know what?
That you're jealous
Yeah, I know too. It's funny, cos it's over something I can't change
Then what's the point
There isn't one. I wish I could do something about it but I can't, and it eats me away seeing it.
Some people just naturally get more than others
Yeah, luck of the natural lottery isn't it

I was hoping that some time during that period I'd done what I planned to do and speak out about it. But I couldn't because I realised that there was no inherent point to it, or at least, the reason was disingenuous. I knew that, all it was supposed to accomplish was to draw attention to myself, to make it seem like I was important. What a joke. Even if I haven't completely made my peace with it, I don't think talking about it would have changed anything.

Which brings me to the next thing. I'm not exactly sure at which point it changed from something I viewed as my future to something I see as my past now. What I do know is that it took many forms over the last few years, morphing mostly into something I never wanted to deal with. A mixture of stupidity, regret and waning care. Trying to force something constant, and at this point I do think I'm past a certain point. Right now it just feels as something wasted. Not what I initially was aiming for, but at least something I would've definitely been happy with.

I don't want to have hope for the coming months, because what goes up must ultimately come down. So I guess ambivalence seems to be the right stance right now. No expectation, just the focus to do right by myself.

Good Night

But in the end I learned 

It rains in Hell and angels could be bad

Ready

So I got my pink IC back.

And to be honest, I don't really feel like talking that much about it. It's like the last 2 whole years of my life, all I've ever cared about was the day I finally ORD-ed, and now that I've finally reached it, I don't wanna waste energy on it any more. It feels a little odd that, before NS I had so many pre-conceived notions of what it would be like, and now that I'm out of it almost all of them have changed in one way or another. I think there's quite a few people that I'd like to give a shout out to though.

First of all, the people from Section 4, Platoon 3, Eagle Company 01/15. They were the ones who helped me adjust so quickly to army life, and who always managed to make me smile everyday from one silly shenanigan or another.

Next up the one and only Sierra Platoon 3 Section 2, who made something as crazy as Service Term actually super fun. Always think back fondly on all our crazy firefights in Centipede, how great yall were to me during my RCP, and also Sentosa! Special shout out to Barny, you're the best buddy anyone can ask for.

Not particularly fond of my time during Pro Term in AI, but special notes to Franklin, Nicholas and Ming Shi for having bitching sessions with me while others went for nights out. Also Arun for geeking out over Star Wars with me :P

Still a few others left, but you guys know who you are.

I guess I don't really have much for this post, just wanted to get something out before the Krabi Trip tomorrow.

Good Night

I got nothing

Got nothing to lose

Witness

So Gravical was 2 weeks ago but I've only now gotten around to doing a post on it. I titled this post Witness because in Mad Max Fury Road the warboys would shout this before doing something that would most likely martyr them. Recently I've been using this line as a sort of joke before I attempted a difficult route that I had trouble with.

A response to this line, however, is "Mediocre", shouted in condescension and disappointment in the failure of said action. Which is more or less what Gravical was. Mediocre. If you'd ask my opinion, at the expense of sounding salty I would say that this year's Gravical was set super poorly. The wall was too short for one. Another thing is that I felt the style of routes were really homogeneous. Route 1 was the only route which differed mostly in style. Routes 2 and 3 were only slight deviations of the last 3 routes, which were 4 to 6. Jump slopers formed the crux of routes 4 to 6, with little variation in possible beta. Which was a nightmare for me, dynamic slopers being my absolute weakness. Reflecting on this, I think that Gravical served instead as a harsh reminder not to be complacent, and that I cannot simply ignore certain aspects in my training. 

The Tops

Route 1 was basically crimp city, my favourite lol

Route 2 had a tricky slope start into a shoulder move, but I love shoulder moves. 

Route 3 was mostly pinches with a high reach near the end. Nearly fell but the flash here gave me good confidence going into the previous 2 routes. 

The Drops

Route 4 will give me nightmares for the next few months. Couldn't find a way to reliably stick the heel AND the jump. Should've tried changing beta but was too stubborn in the moment. 

Route 5 had a really fun start which I was confident of doing. The problem came afterwards with the outward sloper hold, just couldn't stick it. 

Route 6, I don't have a video for it, but the key move was a sideways jump into a sloper pinch. Super shitty, couldn't stick it.

Looking through my videos, I feel that I climb was too stubbornly during comps, and I'm too afraid to change up my beta midway through. I probably need to work on some creativity/courage to use an attempt up to try and find another way around. 

Over.

Recently finished watching the first season of Westworld, but I'll probably save that for my next post. Super good show.

Good Night 

Pangs

Welcome to 2017 aka ORD year.

I want to look back on 2016 as a good year but then I sorta realise that, well, I can't really remember it all. So what did I do with my life? As expected, NS took up a large portion of it, the high point being commissioning I guess. I don't think I'll forget that moment on the parade square, throwing the peak cap and then pumping my fist. No hugs, no laughter, just a simple "COME ON" and the relief that it was over. Relief. 8 Months later and here I am, with ORD in sight. I think my reaction after the peak cap throw is a little telling. I was never one to immediately turn to friends, and maybe it's coming to bite me in the back nowadays.

(I actually typed a whole other paragraph after this one but deleted it because trying to pretend that I want to make normal posts is just not me)

There's a reason why I hate evenings spent in Army the most. It is at that point that I've always felt at my lowest. Sometimes just scrolling through Instagram/Twitter, other times when I'm glad that I have something to keep my mind occupied. As the sun sets and you feel things start to fade. The shadows cast by the trees start to grow longer until it feels like it's suffocating you, both outside and inside. And it's that perpetual creeping into you, the pangs. The sky mirroring what's been inside you all along but in the day you bring out the moon inside you and pretend it's the goddamn sun, because a moonlit night is better than no moon at all. And you try to angle it so nothing casts a shadow but when you see with your eyes that evening always comes, that's when you give in to it. And for a moment it's spectacularly beautiful, the sunset. You try to push away what you hate so much about yourself to just feel nothing except appreciation. And it works, for a while at least. Once night comes though, you steel yourself because the moment of hope and looking forward is over, and you face the reality of it all. And the cycle resets when you go to sleep.

They say that cherry blossoms fall at 5 centimeters per second.

I wonder what's worse, that I used to care so much, or that it was never cared about in the first place. In years past I used to make an effort. Something simple at least. To show that I still had respect and appreciation. But sometimes you're just a cherry blossom, and that 5 centimeters per second adds up everyday, and after a while you're so far from where you started, looking up from the ground, wondering if you'll ever get back up.

Good Night

 Got me runnin' other places in my mind, 

How could you even say I never tried