Great catching up session with Joshua today, but not gonna talk much about that.
Just found out today too that Cory Monteith passed away. Wasn't much of Glee person but he really gave the impression of being a genuinely good person. Time to learn. Live to love and love to live. Really makes you think of life. And the only reason why I would do something so outrageously stupid and risky. But this, this. I wouldn't be able to live with myself otherwise.
And everyone just. Just so much sadness and confusion. And to help all. Yes, friends are family. But who watches the Watchmen?
I guess it's just really more of trudging. And I keep running the possibilities, the scene in my head. How in a fantasy world, a disconcerting parallel reality, I come out the winner. And I wouldn't think of it even as winning. It's not even winning something, it's about. Happyness. About coming out of that situation smiling because for once maybe I had to guts to do something about this clawing away inside. But that's all smoke and mirrors innit. A fantasy. A childish fantasy. And maybe I delude myself by thinking that this is really what it's supposed to feel like. This constant nagging at the very core of your being. Of impending failure. That maybe if I showed how much it means it might change something. Or that this is the one. Thing that actually matters anymore. Like out of everything. Out of all this shit. That maybe this one thing is actually worth it? I don't know anymore. Still. A child's thinking and a child's wish. Nothing more. Because reality is different. And people break things all the time right? So why should anything personal be any different. The only outcome, the only possibility, ends in tatters. Ends in either the extremity of desolation or a compromise. That even if there is the compromise, it would still suck, because. The dangling carrot. The worm on the hook. I remember explaining it before. And why. I just hope I don't become one of them. The ones who were condemned to an eternity of just there. And sometimes I feel like you know. Come to think of it, you do realise. This position of pseudo-power that you hold. Because human emotion is fickle. And the sway one holds. Maybe you unconsciously do it. Self-affirmation. And maybe all it achieves in the end is someone else's destruction. But people move on too.
Time to join the crowd
Actually reminds me of how similar you two are. Though to be honest, it's much more conscious in one rather than the other. Maybe years, months ago I would have asked for your opinion. Your advice. And even if you weren't sure of an answer, I'd understand. Now you're just a shadow. Going around with your head in the clouds. And I know. Even you don't understand this. You don't understand WHY. Now, you'd give me an annoyed reaction because you wouldn't understand. So never mind then. Mentioned before, but it's really ironic that the one solution now is the whole problem.
It kinda is unfair though. To purposely denounce you mentally just so I have a reason to stop being so. fucking. childishly. hopeful.
This is getting uncannily coincidental.
Good Night
It may sound absurd but don't be naive
even heroes have the right to bleed
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