Been pretty busy still the last few weeks. ClimbX was last Saturday too. Was pretty mixed feelings about it. Kinda happy that I managed to get into the finals considering the little training I had before it, but kinda knew I could have done better for the first route. So yeah, tied for 4th in the end but dropped to 5th because my qualifiers weren't good. Still glad I got the chance to go though, and overall I think it was a good experience.
I think posting bout happenings pretty stale lately. It seems almost as if it was just filling up the blank space for the sake of just a way to BE. Finished watching Neon Genesis Evangelion and I'm getting lots of weird existentialist shit running through my mind now, and Godot isn't helping. But I realised that, isn't this why I'm doing this blog anyway? As an affirmation to the fact that I exist? That at some point in time a person sat inf front of his computer typing away like a dumbass for something almost no one reads anyway? Because what happens if nothing happens to me. What if I just go by unnoticed. Because that's what drives people doesn't it. To feel like you made an impact on this reality, that someone somewhere cares enough about you. And what if this doesn't happen? It's almost as if you were never here at all.
And this sucks.
I feel like everything's going back to last year. The only thing keeping me from that is climbing, now that I've found something to replace the passion I lost. But then again isn't this just a mere distraction, because what do I really want? The worst part is I can't delude myself because I KNOW why I'm thinking and acting this way. I can't tell myself omg I really care, because I know all it is is dependence. Just looking for anything to reaffirm myself that I actually mean something. And it's worse because everything seems like I have a reason to be this way and it'd be so easy to just act like it, but I can't bring myself to do that because it won't end well. So now all I can do is sit and feel and then tell myself to fucking stop because thinking now doesn't help anything.
Feeling like Shinji.
Good Night
And I find this song just a bit cliche
But I pray that you'll understand
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