Prerogative

I think that it's actually nicer to be blogging from camp. Writing my thoughts down manually feels a lot more therapeutic, and its been a while since I actually hand-wrote anything. Admin time in camp gives you a lot of space for self-reflection, where there aren't many distractions.

And so to start off by continuing from my last post, I guess I'll dive into what I feel about servant leadership and what Fate/Zero has to say about it. As a personal opinion, I've always tended to follow a style of leadership in which I try to put myself on the level of those following me. To me, leadership is something that goes both ways. You can't lead empty spaces. I used to believe unequivocally that this was the best style of leadership. One where you help the men you lead to follow you better. But there are downsides to everything. Sometimes the way to lead is by blazing a trail forward by yourself. Sometimes you simply can't handle the burdens of every person you lead. Maybe a good leader needs to be envied instead of known intimately. To be higher, better, faster and stronger than everybody else. We see this in the talk in the garden between Gilgamesh, Saber and Rider. In F/Z, Saber is King Arthur (Arturia actually but that's according to the world lore) and Rider is Alexander the Great. Saber represents servant leadership in the way King Arthur focuses on helping his subjects and saving them, while Rider represents the opposite. Alexander the Great is the one who charges forward at the head of battle. He is the one people envy, and they strive to be like him. In this case, it allows him to have dedicated followers as well. And so maybe

Sometimes caring about others isn't the most important thing.

And I guess all I am now is nothing more than an afterthought. A product of a bygone year of youth and uncertainty. I know what's happening. Or at least, I knew what was going on. I feel it down in my gut. It's the same feeling I had when I noticed the hesitation before the answer, the downward shift in the eyes. It's the same feeling when I read the cries to no one in particular. And I ask myself, why am I so sentimental? I've kept every movie ticket since primary school for fucks sake. Why do I value things more than I should? When all it does is cause me anxiety and worry. Am I really that insecure in my own meaning that I have to find it in meaningless experiences and things? When you try to put value in everything, nothing stands out anymore. The 4 day holiday turned out to be so shitty simply because I had to sacrifice meeting people for other commitments. I remember talking to Jian Hui a time ago, and he said something I found very true. He never really saw me as belonging somewhere. All along I've kinda drifted here and there. I've tried to maintain relations with so many things that I can't handle it. Maybe I need to accept that sacrifices and prioritisation have to be made sometimes.

I'm starting to enjoy book ins simply because it lets me forget. I think I've finally found my solution. The solution was never mine to begin with. Sometimes the solution comes when you realise someone has to lose for someone else to gain. And that sometimes that's all the meaning and purpose you need. There were never any experiences. There was never any mythical golden apple you hoped existed. Just little memories and myths that might hopefully bring a hint of a smile. That following an idea can be just as good as the idea itself. I still mean it though. I know goodness.

Time to nut up or shut up

Good Night

A gift from a friend 



Okay I can see now it's all the same thing

Just different wrapping around it