Berserk

I still couldn't do it.

I know this feeling
Know what?
That you're jealous
Yeah, I know too. It's funny, cos it's over something I can't change
Then what's the point
There isn't one. I wish I could do something about it but I can't, and it eats me away seeing it.
Some people just naturally get more than others
Yeah, luck of the natural lottery isn't it

I was hoping that some time during that period I'd done what I planned to do and speak out about it. But I couldn't because I realised that there was no inherent point to it, or at least, the reason was disingenuous. I knew that, all it was supposed to accomplish was to draw attention to myself, to make it seem like I was important. What a joke. Even if I haven't completely made my peace with it, I don't think talking about it would have changed anything.

Which brings me to the next thing. I'm not exactly sure at which point it changed from something I viewed as my future to something I see as my past now. What I do know is that it took many forms over the last few years, morphing mostly into something I never wanted to deal with. A mixture of stupidity, regret and waning care. Trying to force something constant, and at this point I do think I'm past a certain point. Right now it just feels as something wasted. Not what I initially was aiming for, but at least something I would've definitely been happy with.

I don't want to have hope for the coming months, because what goes up must ultimately come down. So I guess ambivalence seems to be the right stance right now. No expectation, just the focus to do right by myself.

Good Night

But in the end I learned 

It rains in Hell and angels could be bad