Forge

One of the fewer times I'm posting while outside now. Sitting here at NLB and my half-done notes are lying there on the table and I can't get any motivation to continue anymore

Which kinda extends to the everything else now.

It's June and half the year is gone and CTs is in 1.5 weeks and all I can think about is what happens after which should be continuing to study but everything just boils down to nothing now (hooray run-on sentences). I just want to climb and get better but even now climbing serves no longer as an inspiration but a distraction. I want to climb for the wrong reasons and everything I want to do now is for the wrong reasons. I know it's stress I'm feeling now and oh my God help me. There is no longer any sense of achievement and I constantly wonder why I'm doing all this. At least in sec 4 after getting my stuff dome I'd feel happy about accomplishing something. Now it's just a sense of "yeah I'm done, so fucking what?". Why can't I just retire from being a student. Why can't I be like the fisherman from this story.

And to top it off I still haven't dealt with this shit. Fuck lah seriously. I don't even know what I know anymore. Was talking to Haziq about self-awareness the other day and he said he'd rather be self-aware. Tbh I'd rather too, but it just drives you deeper into the own stuff you think of, and then you land up hating yourself so so much. And no amount of company drives out this intense self-loathing because you yourself can't change anything about it. And right now I just wish I never knew anyone like that because Edge of Tomorrow showed it so clearly. That the more you know someone the harder it is to make yourself happy because that becomes the lowest priority. Everyone else takes precedence and then when the point comes where we're forced to be selfish we can't because now everyone doesn't care about everyone else and themselves as well. There is no more care left and all there is remaining is the empty shell of everyone. And we all need help and ask for it but everyone just curls up into a fucking porcupine don't they. Maybe at the end of the year I'll do something. Maybe I'll get the same result. Maybe it'll have died down by then. 

I don't know what to do.

Back to studying

Good Night

And the backs of my eyes blur with things I've never done