I remember when I was still in secondary school and taking tuition. I had a really good Chinese tuition teacher called Mr John Chew (The coincidence). And he was good not because he taught the subject really well, but because he taught me a lot about life. At a time when I was so entrenched in my own life I was taught to think of others from their perspective. I learnt to reconcile my own religious beliefs with my social beliefs. I learnt that there's a lot in life that we take for granted in the chase for the next best thing. I never realised it, but I've been applying what he taught me even now. After As ended I told myself that I would not want to take a job where I was cooped up in an office. Actually for that matter, that has been my own view for a while now. And that's when I decided to take up freelancing for LDR to do heritage trails. I saw it as an opportunity to not only get some working experience, but also to learn about things I never really paid attention to during school times. It allowed me to get out of the house and explore areas like Clarke Quay and the Singapore River not from someone wearing a long-sleeved shirt but as a person teaching others about the place itself. I was actually invested in the place I was at, that was my whole purpose of being there. Instead of taking a lift up in the morning to spend 9 hours with the air conditioner, I walked along the River, up the stairs to Fort Canning, explaining the past of the place to the present who were there. And I found it WORTHWHILE. And yet people still tell me "get a proper job". Even if half-jokingly, I know what they mean. Yet is it out of their own envy that they tell me that? Because I'm doing the exact opposite of what they do and I enjoy it? Or is it just that, a joke? If you ask me now, I will say I've had no regrets. That I spent the last 5 months doing exactly what I wanted to do. The only time I've been free of obligations, and I didn't force myself into months of monotonous routine. And that I will never ever get this chance again. Hell yeah it's worth it.
Then again, I still feel that overwhelming sense of. I have no idea how to describe it. Is it loneliness, melancholy, resignation, apathy...? Walking to the MRT. Or waiting for the movie to start. Or just going to sleep. I've never really talked about this directly. Remember all my old posts vaguely talking about a "you". I think what scares me now is that even after I've never really changed the way I am, I've never really encountered the same thing in the year and a half since that period of my life. It's a rare thing, to be so sure about someone and something, but how sure you are doesn't mean you're going to get it right. I find it funny how only now I can talk about this and yet I've never brought it up with others. I'm sitting behind a motherfucking screen sharing my heart out. The irony of the situation is hilarious. It was never about being "too late" or what other bullshit. The only things now is that I haven't met someone who's made me feel in such a manner. At that point in my life - and to some extent I believe currently - I honestly felt that you were somebody I could give the rest of my life to. Nothing had actually happened but there I was sitting in my own dream bubble imagining what the rest of my life would be like if that were the case. Oh to be that age again. Haha I'm beginning to sound like a wistful old man. And it's pretty stupid, don't you think? I haven't even hit my 20s and yet here I am worrying about being alone in my old age. But I admit no shame in feeling such a way. There's nothing wrong with feeling what a person can feel. It'd be nice to be priority for somebody for once. And maybe I'll listen to my own advice as well.
Why worry about what your present self can do in the future which you know nothing of?
Good Night
Everybody
Put your hands up
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