Musings

So...

Where do I begin 

It's been almost exactly a month and a week since I went in. And God knows how long since my last post. I think there's really too many things that have happened, so maybe I'll just go over the important bits. Been meaning to write something up but book outs have been... scarce. 

It's very easy to start feeling an overwhelming sense of depression or loneliness when you go in. I don't know, maybe it's something about the island. Or about what we do. It's not the people, no. The people are what allows you to keep a level head. It just dwells under the surface but you don't realise it because most of the day you're either going left right left or shouting out FIVE COUNTS OF FOUR. And then while it's admin time and you're sitting on your bunk, or you're just standing in line with  countless shaved heads waiting for your lunch, it hits you like a fucking truck. The overwhelming feeling of sian-ness. Of "why the fuck am I even here". And physically too. You stop talking all of a sudden, you sit down or lie down and shut the fuck up for a moment because right then and there you question everything. Because the only thing left in your possession is your ability to think for yourself. Nothing else belongs to you. Your bed, your friends, your seniors, your goddamn toilet paper. Your TIME. Everything goes back to, or comes from the Big Daddy sitting in his office at CMPB. 

Aiyo aiyo ai ai yo ah 

But then you start to remember, that just because you can't choose whether you want to do it or not, it doesn't mean you can't try your goddamn hardest. That even if they take everything away, you won't let them get the satisfaction of taking your fucking spirit as well. That you just fucking try, because as long as you're happy with yourself, then what the fuck right. That even when you think you have nothing left in the tank you can still keep the wheels turning. That when you can't feel your legs you still make that last 50m sprint. And that after this, you come out stronger. You grow. 

You fucking take that next step forward even if the goddamn floor is lava. 

I think next time I'll talk about the people. Keep things short and simple.

Somber reminder of mortality over the last week. First heard about the Sabah Quake while in camp and watching the news. To be somewhere so full of life and yet to experience something so fucked up is just.. you just can't really express it. And to be reminded that you were there just 6 months ago. Climbing the exact same mountain. In the same outhouse. It makes me infinitely more grateful to be where I am now. I just can't really say much about this. It's just a feeling of I guess, fear?

If you can miss nothing, then you never truly missed anything in the first place.

Good Night

Oh don't you dare look back 

Just keep your eyes on me