Fire

Just got back from Japan, and I'd like to really get everything down here, lest I forget.

Because I never want to forget it. Because it was amazing, and wonderful, and so so very incredible. Every single moment of it. And I'll be honest, that before the trip I wasn't as excited as the rest. It felt more like an excuse, rather than a genuine want. Sorta like a "why not?". Work was getting a bit on my nerves the past few days, and the results from both Pumpfest and Boulderactive were nothing to cheer myself up with. Couple that with some long standing issues, and it was easy to fall into the trap of "yolo-ing" it. But after the first few bits when we started to get into the groove of things, everything seemed to really look up for that few days.

The first highlight was probably the trek from the bottom of Mt Takao all the way to Mt Jimba, totaling around 22km altogether. I've always loved trekking and hiking, mountaineering stuff. It all gets a lot more enjoyable without a field pack, ILBV and rifle sitting on your shoulders. Glad I wore proper shoes too, as the trail was kinda slippery from the day before. Mt Takao itself was pretty easy, seeing that it's a tourist spot. The trek from there to Mt Jimba though, was way way harder. It seemed like we were the only crazy ones who decided to make the trek there that late into the day. We started off around 1pm and took 4h20m to reach the peak of Mt Jimba, which was pretty good all things considered. Especially so since this was the girls' first time trekking a trail like that. Felt really great to finally complete the thing, and we managed to get off the trail before sunset, luckily for us. Talking a lot of crap during the trail really helped to keep all of us in good spirits, and was probably the first time I began to feel a real happiness about being with them in Japan.

The next big thing was definitely Disneyland. This was another part which I felt, initially to me, that I was doing it "for the girls' to enjoy themselves". No shame in admitting that I was wrong, and I'm happy that I was. I guess I just had a bad impression because of the last time I was there, which I can barely remember except for the fact that I hardly did anything besides watching my sister take the rides. Here again, I began to feel a lot of peace actually, not just about being able to be myself, but because of the happiness I found in being less self-conscious. In the past, whenever I was enjoying myself I tended to have a sudden moment of sobriety in which my mood swung the complete opposite way. I'd feel like shit and wonder if I was doing all that just to run away from my own issues. I still do have that sometimes, but thankfully it didn't occur that day, not for the entire 13 hours we spent there. And to me, that was special. I was really really happy and at ease for the first time in a very long while. I can't really explain it well in words. Taking all those boomerang shots especially :P I learnt to be a lot less judgmental, and that I didn't need to always follow a mental model of what I was "supposed to be like". Happiness was doing what I wanted without fear of reprisal.

Lastly, the best part for me wasn't just these two things I mentioned. It was the talks at night. The giggles and the roaring laughter. The whispers filled with gossip. Collectively stalking other people's Instagram. Looking through the day's photos and making fun of Crystal anyway. The combined bitching that almost came close to Ernest's solo rants. Watching 22 Jump Street while huddled under the sheets cos GODDAMN it was cold at night. And so much more.

I do feel a little sad. I'm scared that maybe this might be a one-off thing. I hope not. I hope that what happened over those 6 days was something that I'd still cherish when I meet with them. That to me, I can still be happy. That the pent up frustration with myself stays a little further away now. That for once, I've learned how to be myself. And that when it comes down to it,

I'd go back in a heartbeat.

Good Night

Just like magic

I'll be flying free