Headstrong

Apologies, haven't posted in a while.

Heh, writing this over the course of a few days in school. People still think I'm writing an essay or something. Writing it down on paper feels so much more therapeutic than typing it down. Feels just that bit more. Human. Kinda important to hold on to something before you become dead inside.

Last Friday, wasn't climbing so went back to training with Ze Bin. Ian was already there :P Speaking of climbing, I've been suspended from our "weekly recreational climbs" lol. By the time we reached sch already they had finished PT and shit already so we just derped around,and Zhi Ming came later. Sad to see the decline in the state of the unit. Standards going down, discipline like cui, protocol not followed. Sheesh. One cadet even "Okay can"-ed me while I was pumping him. Got damn irritated by the Part As cos some of them ponned, and gave freaking stupid excuses. "Got test on Monday need study" (Seriously who studies 3 days in advance in Sec 1), "Got project to do over the weekend" (Sec 1 what bullshit project man). Like honestly, even if they weren't lying, it's still a stupid-ass excuse. You're expected to be able to juggle your responsibilities like seriously sec 1 how hard can it get. It's not even streaming year. 4hrs less studying on a Friday really won't make much diff. The worst part is that, we can't do anything cos of the goddamn parents. I was willing to give a chance to them even though everyone keeps saying what "Strawberry generation". But when I hear from the NCOs what was going on its really damn irritating. WE can't do anything without them complaining to their parents. Like wtf man. After that we met Lucas and went to the prata place at Thomson to eat dinner. Xiang Bin freaking ran from Bishan to there lol. Had a good time chatting and went to Udders after that hahaha :D Lucas ordered this Earl Grey/Green Tea double-scoop, which tasted kind of weird. Yeah, talked a lot (especially about The Conjuring which Lucas watched the other day). Good way to end a crappy week:)

Aish, the things I should have said that time on the way back. Maybe another time.

Last saturday was phase 2 of mod specs. Was the PC again, for Bravo , and Nabil was my APC lol. Nothing much, pretty normal I guess. Chionged finish the tests like the previous phase. Though at one point Nabil got damn pissed off at one guy cos he started before the timing and kept denying it. Then Nabil was like "He probably hates me now... GOOD". LOLOLOL. So we finish up the tests and then talked cock to our own platoons for a bit. I asked Ze Bin if we could switch platoons for awhile so I just like entertained them for a bit. Then one of them asked me if ZB had a girlfriend so I replied "No but he's a pimp" HAHAHAHA and she looked damn confused cos she didn't know what it meant and I was super amused. Apparently my platoon said I was damn talkative (I just didn't want them to get bored). The funny part of the day was marking all the papers and seeing one stupid answer after another LOL. But after a while it got pretty irritating cos I realised no one cared and setting the goddamn paper was a waste of time. Dinnered at KFC after that and went home.

Sigh... Need to talk to a lot of people but I don't know how to approach them. Whether they'll take me seriously/suddenly view me differently. Haish, it's intimidating. But for one, it has to be done. Not sure if they'd do the same for me, but it's my own belief that certain people have the right to know. And realising I'm pretty hypocritical. I keep talking about personal responsibility yet in this case I keep pushing away the blame. And I get super irritated over something that is my own fault. Time to grow some goddamn balls and realise that if you want to do something you can't always expect someone else to start it for you. Lol after all these stupid posts I think people are starting to get an inkling. But for now, I'll just be in the dark as well.

Good Night

Keep your head up

Keep your heart strong

Pretending

Some things you just don't sleep off

So Boulderactive was kinda retarded lol. Thinking about it, the routes were relatively easy. But I blanked out a lot at the start, so wasted a lot of time/attempts. But all in all, it was really quite fun :D The experience was pretty nice too, though we didn't do well. Just for fun anyways, hopefully can learn more from this and plan better for Gravical. The only thing I didn't like was the flash format they used cos there really wasn't a lot of time. Oh and and and I saw Ma'am Angela there!!! It was so cool haven't seen her in AGES plus she's leaving ohgosh I'm gonna miss her :( Damn respect for her cos she also went for Hair For Hope even though she like damn zilian HAHAHAHA but its k its the inside that counts. All the best ma'am! :D

If this was a movie you'd be here by now

Wandered off again that day even though I told myself I wouldn't. So tired. So tired of it all. Even though I dread it I sort of hope that day comes faster. And then when everything is settled I hope I feel better about it. For some reason I find it damn amusing that I'm preparing myself so much for it even though it probably doesn't make any difference anyway. Maybe years down I'll look back at the me now and ask "Was it all worth it? To drain yourself. To spend the night awake and thinking. And finally realising that it won't happen?" And I guess my answer to future me would be "Yes". Because I don't want to spend my life regretting. Because if God forbid something happened I would never forgive myself for not doing what I could have done. And in this I also realise how similar both of you are. Someone mentioned something about testing your limits. And though this isn't fully accurate I guess its true in both cases to a certain extent. Maybe all anyone searches for is just a sense of reassurance that's all. But is it worth to split yourself up so much just for that? Jack of all trades but master of none. I rmb saying something about having a supersoldier instead of an army of incompetence and that still holds true. Why try so hard for so many people, you're just gonna wear yourself out? I guess I'm speaking to both of you, even one makes more of a difference anyway. If you can't prioritise then just tell me I'll effing take it. I'm trying more than once. I understand okay, I get it. At least say you can't be bothered. Not angry, just disappointed, which I hoped never to be. A punching bag nevermind, even after all those and some simple listening back isn't enough? But sokay that's the whole meaning of unconditional isn't it? Been a tissue paper before, can be one again. Just know the alienation of not concentrating.

At least this is a short week, maybe can relax AND go LAN possibly. Finally Silver 5 after my 4th promo series.

Good Night

Walk the tightrope

To hold on to you

Parachutes

Wrote this down in my foolscap on Thursday but posting it now :P

You know how sometimes you feel like you mean something. It reminds me of this Reddit thread I read once. One of the comments was that "No matter how special you think you are, in the end you are no more different from the billions of people out there. That you are not, in fact, unique, just another person hoping for the best. And that after you die, nobody will remember you in a few years, and nobody will care." It was in reply to a thread on the hard truths that most people don't realise. I'm paraphrasing, but that was the general idea. How insignificant we all are, a speck of nothingness on the cosmic scale. To cease to exist one day and the change in the universe is no more different than an extra grain of sand washed off the beach into the ocean. Sounds pretty depressing/pessimistic but that's not the point I think. I guess all that I'm trying to say is that it sorta applies to a lot of things now, the important things at least. One tends to believe that you matter so much when in fact all you're doing is just joining the queue sometimes. Maybe it's just back to square one. I was kind of jokingly suggesting that instance, but I also knew it was gonna happen anyway. I'm more disappointed that the question was avoided, like you believed I can't handle it? And also maybe its too much to hope to consider myself for it too.

Boulderactive is (technically) and I'm definitely not prepared for it. The team I'm going with is Joey and Cheng Hong. Right now I'm the weakest out of all of us. My endurance now is really quite cui. The comp starts at 7.15 at freaking Suntec City ugh. Have to wake up damn early on a Sunday morning T.T Oh well, just going for the experience anyways, but I hope I don't let them down. After this, time to concentrate on promos. Even Nigel is getting his shit together lol :P

Went to watch Wolverine today with David, Jian Hui, Manfred and Ke Shang. Went all the way to NP just to meet them first lol. Stoned at the track and Elena came over hehe :D I guess Wolverine was okay. Like, the plot itself wasn't too bad, but in the overall scheme of things it was pretty random. The fight scenes were pretty cool though :P

Aish

Tomorrow, tomorrow you close your eyes. You pretend nothing is going on even though it'll be glaringly obvious. I once made myself a promise to never wish for the misfortune of others. So tomorrow, you keep quiet. You be happy because others are happy. Because you're too much of an idiot to say what you think, to the point nobody cares about it anyway. And though every single thing I've said so far is true, it doesn't change the fact that I hope the reason why is not because of anything or anyone else.

Good Night

Remembering this song again:)

She fell in love with someone else and thatShe fell in love with someone and that's all that I know for sure

Paintings

Well last Friday was awards night or something. Chionged back home to bathe first after training then went to school. There was supposed to be a rehearsal before the actual thing but I guess they just scrapped it :P Found SavingPrivateZhiMing and we were just more or less derping around and eating the food (we finished one basket of chips lol). Just talked and met up with other peeps like Daniel and Edwin. Saw Amanda Yap and wanted to go over to say hi but she left after I went around to find other people :( Oh well... So yeah, just talk cock for damn long before the actual thing started. The ceremony itself wasn't that interesting to be honest. Mr Lee was rambling on about Singapore's economy for like 15mins lol. Didn't get the relevance. Ze Bin was even sleeping LOL. Pretty uneventful overall. I think I prefer our service award though cos it was a plaque which was quite nice :D Felt a bit weird though. Receiving service award but everyone else in the hall were overachievers LOL. What top in English lah, 10A1s lah, English and HCL both A1 there... :P But, I'm still happy to be recognised, you don't get that everyday :) Collected photos plus went around taking a few before we left for home to get our stuff to book in. So yay, was a happy day in a sense, got to catch up (love it) with some bros and enjoy myself for a bit.

Booked in for modular Specs the next day. I was suddenly feeling extra nice for some reason (no idea why), felt kinda sorry for the NSFs doing weekend guard duty so I offered them my gobstoppers :D But they didn't want any :( They looked at me like I was a bit siao, so I turned to zebin and said "They think i siao one!" in front of them LOL. Which PROBABLY made them question my sanity even further. OH WELL. Zebin wanted to fly that night but we were all pretty tired so didn't in the end. Spent a bit stapling all the test papers together, and afterwards I folded a few paper origami owls before going to sleep :P Wanted to sleep in the admin room but the electricity kept going out so...

Mod Specs was quite hiong cos we were rushing to finish everything earlier and within the day too. Morning just normal in-processing and shit. Got told off for Iqbal for my hair. To be fair though, its not THAT long its just hella thick. Didn't really have the chance to go cut too since I was sick the previous 2/3 days. Nothing much for Specs since we were just running around so nothing that eventful happened. Nabil won the OIC election. To be honest I was supporting Zhan Jiang, but I guess in a lot of cases other factors come into play :( GGWP. Was freaking shagged after Specs. Went to Naked Fish with ZB, ZM and GAR WEI after that for dinner. After that had tauhuay out before going home:)

Felt kinda shitty the past few days. Really disappointed in a lot of people. Thought I was having some mental breakdown or shit. Definitely felt pretty weird at that point in time, but I've come to terms with it I guess. Everyone hides their own demons. But the thing I took away from all that, strangely, was to make me realise how I grateful and thankful I am to know those that actually matter to me :)

Good Night.

Maybe he won't find out but I will

You were the last good thing about this part of town

Fairytales

Ok enough whining you son of a bitch.

So last Saturday was NCCDP. Feels kinda serene to be blogging about it this year when I remember blogging about it 2 years ago too. OMG YA. Shit it's been 2 years already since the good old days T.T I really miss Sec 3 life. SIGH. And yeah, had to report in the morning around 8-ish? Felt very meh about it but oh well. The whole day wasn't really anything much lah actually. Come to HQ already just set up most of the stuff and just fly lor... Mostly did the flypast and shits and spent the rest of the time either fixing up the kites/simulator retardedness/charging batteries. So yeah, pretty boring day actually. Up until the actual thing we were mostly just chilling around even with practice. THEN damn retarded. The actual flypast was kinda crappy cos we couldn't group up together properly after the launch. But then again, most people didn't really see past that point cos of the tentage so I guess SOMEHOW it worked out LOL. The landing after that was ok also too. But I think, the fan out would still have been nicer to execute though :P Oh well. My kite circuit got disconnected cos Nich accidentally pulled out a wire to disengage the battery so we all went back to the aero centre and waited while I fixed it up. What I didn't expect was for the parade to end EARLY. So there I am rushing everyone off to the MOC and DANIAL IS JUST CHILLING THERE LOL. The Parade IC CLT was calling me on my phone alr and I'm screaming at Danial to get his ass over to the MOC LOLOLOL. Too stressed already, my heart cannot take this chiong-ing if it happened every other day. Danial if you read this: _|_ Hahaha the finale went pretty good cos we attached the streamers and stuff! Really cool to fly with it. Though on the downside it wasn't that dark so the streamers weren't really used to full effect. But good performance overall. I find it kind of ironic that we put in the most hours for training but were given the least air time. Like, we didn't even get mentioned in the MC script LOL. But it's k, at least we flew well. OH and I went full derp mode AGAIN LOL. For some reason the GOH really likes to talk to the air knights (Cos we're the coolest of course). I rmb some toa pai in the previous NCCDP also walked by to talk to us but I thought we were in the way so I faster siam. SAME THING HAPPENED THIS YEAR LOL. The GOH came over to talk and I thought "Eh fuck my streamer still on the floor" and faster walk away to pull it off his path. Then he thought I was running away from him and had to call me back OMG SO FUCKING PAISEH UGH. After the parade flew for a bit more and took photos :D Packed up, said goodbye to the aerocentre (Like after affirm LOL) and left for dinner with Arif, Dean, Bodiloke and Danial.

Went out with Francine and Edwin yesterday evening. Haven't seen them for so long, felt nice to catch up again. We were supposed to watch movie but ended up dinner-ing for so long at Skinny Pizza (OH YEAH) so we decided to just go to Starbucks and lepak. Ended up chatting about a lot of stuff and getting some life lessons from the guru herself. Was really good to listen to another objective opinion and also to pour out a lot of it person to person. On the train back also, just decided to let all my shit out and. I don't know, it just felt so LIBERATING. After letting it eat away for so long and finally you just have someone listening and advising. And the fact that no one that actually affects the outcome KNOWS. Feels free. And also learning that yes, not everything goes ideally. Yes, there might always be a fuck up. But the worst thing of all is to wonder to yourself "What if I had done something differently". Right there and then, knowing that it was time to stop this self-inflicted irriation and learning to deal with the situation at hand. Made me remember the important things to me too, and I guess I'd just wanna say thanks for that.

I know what to do now:)

Good Night

I,

I will remember you