Help

You told me that I have to find my own happiness. And for those few days I did feel better. I think I still do feel better. But it does come creeping back sometimes. The other part of me which tries to constantly inject this intense sense of worthless-ness. I try to drown it out but at the end of the day when I'm alone on my bed trying to sleep, or going home with the earpieces in, it's there. Because one is the part that ones to fit in, and the other one is the part that's ashamed for it.

"Why?"
"I don't know"
"Why continue to do this when you're scared"
"Because I can't do anything for myself"
"And so? How does that help?"
"It doesn't"
"And that's because you'll just make things worse for yourself"
"I guess. Not just myself anyways"

Haha and then it goes back to thinking something could work for me in this respect. Eventually. Because the thing is that as much I can tell myself certain stuff, it helps a bit. But in the long run you still feel this sense of not inferiority, but more of just sitting back. And when nothing happens, that's when the wanting sets in. I want to say I can't help it. But I can.

Looking around though, everyone has their own problems. And it's true. We can help each other, but we're all so averse to it. We feel awkward. We feel intrusive. We feel apart. But then again, there are also other things. And I think that some people just don't need that help.

Thank God for this blog

Good Night

No it's not a good look

gain some self control

Team

A day since we've officially left VJRC. I don't know, I feel this really deep sense of sadness. Because I know that I've been part of something special. These people have literally changed my life. And they mean so much to me, in a different way that NCC has. And these 2 groups of people are the ones that have made me who I am today. And maybe that's why I feel so emotional about them. And it makes me regret so much more that we only have these 2 years together. It sucks because just when you figure out who you are, you only have 2 years to enjoy it with people who can be genuine about themselves. During farewell there was some things I wanted to say but Ms Ang started talking so I couldn't really say it. It's a bit late now haha so I think I'll put it here. The thing is that everyone kept wondering how and why we got so bonded and so close and I think the reason is what I mentioned earlier. We were so comfortable with each other we just didn't care about the judgement of the others. So we went crazy. We wore party hats during Christmas, we laughed at the fucked up rope burns we got, we threw people into fountains at Vivo (I keep bringing this up lol), we cursed and swore at each other. It's what made NCC so great and it made this great too. Because we became a band of brothers. Haha maybe it's cos every non-IP guy except for Haziq (ironically) was from a guy's school. Bring that mentality over and this is what you get lol. They're more than family to me. And I think part of the reason why I was so unhappy last year was because I never truly appreciated them. I regret that so much. But I take some happiness in how much I have, this year. When I let go of the past and embraced the present, that's when I found happiness. I found it in climbing with them. I found it in suffering with them. The hard work paid off not just in results but how much it brought us together. I don't have some long speech to say to them. It's different from the last time I graduated from a family because right now I can't even express it. I'm not a leader, or different from any of them, like last time. I'm just another one. Shit now I forgot what I wanted to say. Ok now I do. I think I'll end this part off by saying that I'm just really grateful that all of us found each other. And that I'm a really lucky person to have been part of NCC but now climbing as well. It feels like it's almost fated haha. I don't really believe in this destiny kind of thing, but hey

What are the chances?

Good Night :)

To the best people :)

Long live all the mountains we moved

I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you

Evaluation

It seems like I can't even really talk much about anything now. Either nothing happens, or things just repeat itself lol. Kind of ironic how I'm just repeating so much shit when I post. Spent another Saturday doing absolutely nothing again. Revving up my studying again I think. Kind of. Was talking to Jia Zhi about how it feels so long in between climbing, even though it's only a week. Endurance really quite bad now so gotta work on that. I miss leading with the team so much :( I miss the days when Haziq, Jia Zhi and I would spam that yellow route on the speed wall until we were so elated at finishing that shit in one go after 6 months. I miss bouldering until I couldn't feel my forearms anymore. I miss getting flappers (Ok maybe I don't). I miss all the near rope burns from overhang falls. I miss the feeling of clipping in the anchor. I miss last year. I miss being happy.

Sigh. It's just 14 more weeks, starting tomorrow. It's gonna feel like an eternity. But after that maybe I can look forward to the next day again.

CT2 has been pretty brutal and completely lopsided. Have gotten back everything except for Lit now (that's probably gonna be next week). As it stands it's a BES_/B. Almost got my first A of my JC life with GP. Stuck up at 68 cos my compre was a bit disappointing. Well on the bright side, it's one less subject to worry about. Actually the ONLY subject I don't really worry about. Econs was really really disappointing though. Put a lot of effort into it but I guess my essay writing for econs just... sucks. Lol. Decided to practise essays and pass them to Mr Lum every week to work on that. Hope I do well for Lit. A C would be pretty nice to improve on CT1 overall.

Realising I'm just enticed by the idea of it rather than it itself now aren't I. Time to admit certain things.

Good Night

I miss the taste of sweet life

Caves

It's been tiring to be honest. I feel like I've really lost all motivation after CTs. Which is this weird kind of stasis where I feel like mugging really hard but not doing anything at all lol. I blame this on the fact that there isn't really homework per se now. So now after school there isn't really the pressure to do work :P I just laze around mostly and wish I went climbing instead. I think it's a bit of that too hah. I feel like climbing more for some reason. Maybe to get the stress off a bit. The last few sessions climbing have been pretty fun actually. It's nice to just climb without a structured training schedule. Planning our own routes is nice too. That, and the fact that I can feel myself climbing better has totally replaced my motivation to study lol. It's like it shifted from studying to climbing, which is stupid because I need to sacrifice all worldly pleasures for the next 16 weeks.

Cmon man. 

It's been pretty mundane I think. And the fear's coming back. The fear that everyone's just gonna leave now that we're done. And after all we've been through so far. Sheesh. That's why it sucks being so attached to people after a while. I know that it may not happen, and it probably won't. But irrational fear is still irrational, and it's still there. Also, the fact that I still dwell on lots of stupid things isn't helping. If it was just that I think it'd be okay. But it's not. It's the FUCKED up thoughts that pass through your mind. The intrusive ones. The ones you want out of your fucking mind but you somehow think of that shit again. And again. And everywhere you look you make yourself sad because holy shit there's nothing to be sad about. That what the fuck it's completely okay to and yet why do you PINE for that? Now it's only telling yourself

Things could be worse after all, so move forward. 

Good Night

 At the end of the day

Some you win some you don't 

Brink

I don't like Saturdays, in a way. They're spent whiling the day away at home on my computer. Well I could do something about it but now, what's there to do? It's the quietness speaking again. The thoughts in your head. Then again, was sick the whole of today. Ah well. My tailbone still hurts from yesterday after falling from the first clip before clipping in. That, and my whole body feels so lethargic. I haven't felt this tired and weak in while. Maybe it's a sign.

I wish I could talk to someone about this who could understand the whole situation. Well I think some people do, just that I'm scared of just opening up. I think that since I can't really say it now it feels a bit worse. Because as much as I want to, it'd just be selfish wouldn't it? It doesn't benefit you or anyone else. Just myself. And it'd just screw things up. This has been one of the weirder things that's happened so far. It's good though, one of the things that's kept me kinda content. Then again, maybe I just didn't see it last time? On purpose? Was just kinda scared of something going wrong, and that I was gonna just land up as how I usually end up. Those were good opportunities too. But now that I think of it again, maybe I was just overthinking at the time. That in fact nothing existed at all. Hmmm... haha well I'll never know now will I?

It feels weird now. Everything feels weird and surreal. I feel like I've surrendered to the nothingness but then sometimes I feel so

Hopeful?

A weird and confusing coupla days indeed

Good Night

Some things will never be different